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12 Most Ridiculous Similes in Music History

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For those of us who were asleep and/or drunk all through grammar school, a simile is a comparison of two things using "like" or "as," such as "Our public education was as pointless as an edible bicycle seat."

CRACKED offers the following lesson in similes-and how not to use them-as a community service, because we wish to make up for these shameful failures of our education system, and because "community service" is the part of our plea bargain that keeps us out of jail.

#12.
Goo Goo Dolls - "Iris"

Offending Lyric:
"When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"

We're not really sure what sort of movies the Goo Goo Dolls watch in their spare time. The movies we watch are full of good-looking people getting in gun fights with one another. If everything felt like the movies, we'd be jumping off of the top of buildings with firehoses wrapped around our waist. We're pretty sure that would do just fine as far as letting us know we're alive.

Maybe the Goo Goo Dolls confused the words "the movies" with "freshman and sophomore years of high school?"

#11.
Def Leppard - "Pour Some Sugar On Me"

Offending Lyric:
"Livin' like a lover with a radar phone"

How exactly does a lover with a radar phone live? Well, probably poorly if they're fucking someone who thinks a radar phone sounds like a cool piece of technology. You have to feel bad for Def Leppard's girlfriends, who presumably all got radar phones for Christmas back in 1987, when this song was released.

Even for the late '80s, "radar phone" doesn't sound like such a hot piece of technology. Here, Warrant's girlfriends were probably all getting car phones, along with new Trans Ams in which to install them. To make matters worse, when Def Leppard's girlfriends tried to phone their boyfriends to complain about their crappy gifts, instead of connecting the call, the radar phones would just measure how fast Warrant's girlfriends were driving in their new cars.

#10.
Culture Club - "Time"

Offending Lyric:
"Time is like a clock in my heart"

While this simile may not necessarily be inaccurate, it's not overly astute, either. What's that, Boy George? Time is like a clock? Why, land sakes, we never saw it that way! And, the clock is in your heart? Holy crap, George! Make an appointment with your cardiologist, and we mean today.

Other rejected lyrics from this song include "water is like a bucket in my knee," "bread is like a basket in my stomach," and "writing songs is like getting really high and playing a game of Operation."

#9.
Poison - "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Offending Lyric:
"Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song/Every rose has its thorn"

First of all, everyone knows (read: we just learned on Wikipedia) that roses don't even have thorns, they have prickles. But, Poison probably didn't have a dedicated botany research department so we'll let that one go.

The real problem is on the cowboy/sad song side of things. Forget "every" cowboy singing a sad song; we're having trouble thinking of one. Clint Eastwood? Anyone in Tombstone or Young Guns? There were probably no sad songs in any season of Deadwood simply because not many sad words rhyme with "cocksucker." So who's left? Michael Irvin?

Wait a second ... does the fact that roses don't have thorns and that cowboys don't sing sad songs suddenly make this work as a simile again? Friends, I believe we have just been outwitted by Poison.

#8.
Bob Seger - "Like A Rock"

Offending Lyric:
"Like a rock, chargin' out the gate"

In fairness, throughout most of this hit song, Bob Seger manages to find valid reasons to compare himself to a rock-he's stoic, unflappable and rigid-but toward the end of "Like A Rock" he somehow confuses the typical rocks he references throughout his song with much more proactive and much less rock-like stones that, evidently, sprint out of gates in certain circumstances.

Needless to say, anyone betting on Seger's boulder to win the Kentucky Derby probably wound up tearing up their tickets in frustration before being wheeled back to the asylum.

#7.
Ricky Martin - "She Bangs"

Offending Lyric:
"Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee/Like every girl in history"

Come on, Ricky Martin, you can't possibly mean every girl in history. Mother Teresa? The Statue of Liberty? The Bee Girl from the Blind Melon "No Rain" video, who looked like a bee, but was as harmless as a flower?

We've searched the rest of the song for some kind of clarification. The chrous offers, "She bangs, she bangs/when she moves, she moves." Does this woman go clanging around in a medieval suit of armor? Does this also apply to "every girl in history?" How could such a virile, obviously not-gay man know so little about the nature of females?


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31 Comments

the hell is with your name, mr macabre?

Posted on 8/12/2008 11:17:33 AM

Nelly Furtado is saying she's like a bird because she'll only fly away. When you try to get close to a bird it flies away....and that's what she's saying she'd do if you tried to get close. Duh. She's not saying anything about a bird caring where it's soul is. Those are two different ideas, not 1.

No comment on the whole missing soul and home thing...

Posted on 8/7/2008 2:28:05 PM

The Goo Goo Dolls werent specific enough. They meant movies about freshman and sophomore years of high school.

Posted on 7/4/2008 1:06:51 AM

What about in "I love you like a fat
kid love cake" from 21 Questions? That's a pretty craptastic one.

Posted on 6/27/2008 11:29:40 AM

Anyone there want to chat with me on music? Let's mingle here at ukinterracialmatch.com_______, where many black and white singles meet and seek fun&love together! U will not be disappointed!

Posted on 6/14/2008 12:45:39 AM

hey minty, what kind of music do you like? oh yeah (if you're old) you only believe in pink floyd and zepplin (if you're young) you only believe in hip-hop. fuck off you ignorant assholes know shit all about music. (i'm not talking about the site or it's members, i'm talking about people who fall into these catagories)

Posted on 5/2/2008 9:37:34 AM

A rock is steady. strong, at times unmovable. I grew up in the 602. Love me like a rock means his mothers love is always there; unconditional. Don't try to interpret a 60s songs when ya don't know what your talking about.

Posted on 4/7/2008 4:06:36 PM

MM

"Shake it like a Poloroid picture" isn't on here because it isn't a simile, it's an imperative statement. Simply because the worD "like " appears does not mean it is a simile. Nothing is being compared. Apparently attendance was an issue the day the was taught.

Posted on 3/6/2008 6:22:51 AM

Minty

Michael: Actually, "Shake it like a Polaroid picture" works pretty well as a simile, considering what the band was trying to get across. However, correctness doesn't excuse what is a stupid, horrible song.

Posted on 2/5/2008 10:35:05 AM

YES

You forgot sr71's simile from my world
"Now i wrap myself around you like a blanket full of doubt."
i don't know wether or not blankets usually are full of doubt, but this similie seems to imply they do... or just his blanket...

Posted on 1/28/2008 1:23:03 PM

themelsa

actually clint eastwood did sing kind of sad song (Paint Your Wagon, anyone?) about talking to the trees. the simile still sucks, and the article is still funny but factually, cowboys actually do sing sad songs somtimes.

Posted on 1/24/2008 4:28:34 PM

whocares

#8 was the best.

Posted on 1/18/2008 9:19:17 PM

michael

this is the funnyest thing I saw in a real real real real long time

Posted on 1/13/2008 8:57:51 PM

mike

there should be a moron filter utilizing a set of question designed so that people who pick up on irony can choose the right answers and consequently be allowed to comment

Posted on 1/12/2008 3:34:37 PM

Crotchfire

"She's like the wind" = "She blows"

Posted on 1/2/2008 10:10:24 PM

Aly

And clearly Gem doesn't know what a simile even is.

Posted on 12/25/2007 2:03:33 PM

Pedja

List is great, but #4 ( Paul Simon) made me laugh so hard I spilled most of my coffee.Thank you :)More, please.

Posted on 12/14/2007 10:43:37 PM

unknown

Maybe they are really ridiculous. But in some way, they can attract people. No matter you believe or not, I once saw a survey at pubspa.com, it is said that people enjoy ridiculous things. I can't understand.

Posted on 12/13/2007 9:19:01 PM

Michael

I'm suprised "Shake it Like a Poloroid picture" wasn't on here from Hey Ya! by Outkast

Posted on 12/11/2007 6:57:12 AM

DontBeClueless

"When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"


First, I will introduce myself. I am a LCSW who works specifically with teenage and young adult clients who require mental health services. I have a large amount of training in abuse-related disorders.

'When everything feels like the movies' relates to the psychiatric condition of dissociation. There are several degrees of depth when it comes to dissociating. People with dissociative experiences may blank out for hours at a time, having entire conversations they don't remember. Or, they may feel a disconnection with their body. Some describe this feeling as being fuzzy, walking in jello/quicksand, or feeling completely separate from their bodies.

'You bleed just to know you're alive' refers to the self-injury many people do while in these dissociative states. Of course, not all who self-injure are dissociative, nor are all who dissociate self-mutilative. However, there is a correlation. The act of cutting or burning one's skin often brings a person back to reality when s/he is in the process of dissociating.

Posted on 12/7/2007 10:19:49 PM

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