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The 10 Most Awesome Movies Hollywood Ever Killed

By David Wong August 14, 2007 235,665 views
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Hollywood is a slaughterhouse where cool movie ideas go to die. Here are ten films that were tragically cut down before their time, simply because they were just too friggin' awesome.

#10. Peter Jackson's Halo

Fans of the popular video game wept tears of joy when a Halo film was announced in 2005. Other bodily fluids escaped when it was announced that the Lord of the Rings guy (Peter Jackson) was on board to produce and Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy) was in talks to direct. But suddenly, in the fall of 2006, both of the studios financing the film bailed out.

Why it didn't get made: The rumored budget offered about 200 million reasons, with a dollar sign in front. To break even, every single person who bought the last Halo game would have to go see the film version seven times. Also, Microsoft's deal included demands that Gates & Co. have creative control over the project. If you don't see why that would be a problem, then you've apparently never heard of Microsoft.

Sure, somebody will make a Halo movie some day (Twentieth Century Fox re-acquired the rights in June of 2007), but it won't be the beautiful love child of Lord of the Rings and Aliens that fanboys dreamed of the moment the heard "Halo" and "Peter Jackson" in the same sentence. It's more likely come back as a bargain basement $60 million production, most likely with a wrestler in the lead. And no matter how bad it is, the geek crowd will give them a big opening weekend and the studio will make a tidy little profit. Direct-to-DVD sequels will surely follow.

And while we're on the subject: We won't be seeing Peter Jackson's The Hobbit any time soon, either. New Line booted him from the project, their revenge for a lawsuit he brought over some disputed Lord of the Rings profits. Let us grieve for all the great movies that would get made if Hollywood wasn't full of greedy douchebags.

 

#9. Unbreakable 2

Whether or not you think Unbreakable was a great movie, you almost have to agree it was a great idea for a movie. It's a grown-up superhero film, without the silly costumes or CGI monsters or preposterous plans to take over the world -- Just a taut battle of wills between extraordinary men, both of the roles played by charismatic superstars. But right as the story reaches its crucial apex, where the hero tracks down the evil genius and realizes he must Stop Him at All Costs, the film abruptly ends. Credits.

That there was supposed to be a sequel (in fact, a trilogy, according to Willis) is obvious. What is not obvious is what in the holy hell M. Night Shyamalan was thinking.

Everyone knows the reason superhero sequels are usually better than the original (think X-Men 2, Superman 2, and Spider-Man 2) is because they don't have to devote half their running time to the tedious origin story. The origin story is always boring, with the pre-superhero protagonist stumbling around like an everyday dumbass for an hour. Shyamalan, for reasons science may never unravel, decided to make Unbreakable nothing but the origin story, stretching that part across the entire running time and saving the actual awesome Good vs. Evil super-battle for the next film.

Why it didn't get made: Not enough people went to see the origin story part. Not after the first weekend, anyway, when crowds of moviegoers sat blinking as the lights came up, thinking someone had stolen the last reel. The Sixth Sense-esque word-of-mouth producers had been banking on turned out to be literally one word: "Ass."

And while we're on the subject: Did you know Shyamalan was in talks to direct the first Harry Potter movie back in 2001? Even those of you who don't like the director have to admit that he probably could have made a more interesting first film than Chris Columbus crapped out. Plus, at the end, maybe we would have found out Harry was actually DEAD THE ENTIRE TIME.

 

#8. Ghostbusters 3: Ghostbusters in Hell

Dan Aykroyd has been desperately pushing for a Ghostbusters sequel for over a decade (yes, we're refusing to acknowledge that Ghostbusters 2 exists). He wrote a script years ago called Ghostbusters: Hellbent (later changed to the more descriptive Ghostbusters in Hell when co-conspirator Harold Ramis got involved) where the ghostbusting crew wind up in a version of New York that exists only in Hell. As the original actors aged and the film continued to not get made, the script was changed to accommodate new, younger group of comedy all-stars to play newly-hired ghostbusters-which, for better or worse, was going to include Ben Stiller.

Why it didn't get made: Because "Billy" didn't want to get within ten feet of the thing, according to Aykroyd. "Billy" is Bill Murray, who didn't like how the second movie turned out (what second movie?) and has since dedicated his life to making more serious films. To be fair, special effects are fun to watch but not so much fun to act in. Murray, now in his late 50s, probably didn't want to spend half a year in front of green screens, covered in slime and getting thrashed around by hydraulic monsters, with Aykroyd and Ramis calling him "Billy" and giving him big thumbs-up signs the whole time

And while we're on the subject: Before the original Ghostbusters came around, Ivan Reitman, Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd were in talks to make Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was scrapped when Aykroyd came up with the idea for Ghostbusters.

 

#7. Kevin Smith's Fletch Won, starring Chris Rock

If at the mention of "Fletch" you groan and say, "That '80s Chevy Chase movie?" then we're very, very ashamed of you. Long before that film came along, the Fletch character appeared in a dozen very smart, funny novels by author Gregory McDonald. You should read them. No, not right now.

In 2000 Kevin Smith and Miramax got the rights to Fletch Won, a McDonald novel about a young Fletch that takes place before the Chevy Chase movies. It seemed like a perfect fit: It saved Smith from the burden of coming up with a story, and it let him focus on writing the crude, rapid-fire dialogue that is his one unique talent.

Pretty much every young male actor in Hollywood was mentioned in connection with the role (Matthew Perry, Brad Pitt, Adam Sandler, Jimmy Fallon, many more) but we'd have rolled the dice with Chris Rock, who apparently wanted the part very badly. The difference in race from the original Fletch shouldn't have been an issue. At worst, they could have just digitally added Chevy Chase's face and had Chris Rock dub the dialogue.

Why it didn't get made: Smith said he wouldn't direct the movie unless his best friend for life Jason Lee got the part. Shortly thereafter, Miramax announced that Smith wouldn't be directing the movie. Once again, Smith's career was evidently set back by his insistence that he only work with actors he's had at least one drunken pillow fight with. Since this limits his choices to Lee and Ben Affleck (and we're thinking the latter would not only have ruined the franchise, but would have incited fans to pile up all the copies of the novel and hold a Nazi-style book burning) the studio is wisely developing Fletch with another writer and director.

So everything's back on track! On the other hand, apparently the lead in talks to play Fletch is now-brace yourself-Zach Braff.

And while we're on the subject: Maybe Kevin Smith shouldn't take over other people's franchises after all; his Superman Lives script (widely available online) had the potential to be one of the worst movies ever made.

 

#6. David Fincher's Rendezvous with Rama

Sci-Fi fans seem doomed to choose between silly action movies (like Transformers or Independence Day) and slow, existential lower-budget fare (like Solaris). What we want is more films like The Matrix, goddamnit, where they can delve into metaphysical ideas and still get a solid hour of zero-gravity kung fu. (Seriously, Hollywood, why is that so hard?) Fans saw a ray of light a few years ago with word that none other than Fight Club's David Fincher was on board to direct a big-budget adaptation of Rendezvous with Rama, an Arthur C. Clarke classic about a mysterious 30 mile-long cylinder that comes humming toward Earth like Gaia's lost vibrator.

Why it didn't get made: Money. If you want to make a Rama film you'll need nine digits just to get a seat at the table (remember, Fincher is the guy who needed a $90 million budget to make a movie about two guys fighting in their basement).

Merchandising on Rama wouldn't exactly be a gold mine, either. Little Timmy isn't going to spend hours with his 100 foot-long plastic Rama mothership, contemplating how it symbolizes man's eternal struggle against the cosmic unknown. While the producers hunted in vain for funding, Fincher's schedule filled up with other, less interesting projects (Panic Room, Zodiac).

And while we're on the subject: Fincher was supposed to direct Mission Impossible III as well. If he had taken the job, he could have simultaneously saved both that franchise and the TV show Lost, which languished without JJ Abrams (who had to basically abandon it in order to direct MI:III).

I have to say that in the end, the death of Peter Jackson's Halo was the best thing that has happened to cinema in a decade. When it died, Jackson took his director for the project, Neill Blomkamp, and made District 9 instead. Considering that every video game movie ever has been either s**t or mediocre pandering, and District 9 is one of the best sci-fi movies ever made, I feel no sense of loss for Peter Jackson's Halo. But hey, it probably would have been the best video game movie ever. That's just not saying much.

11/8/2009 6:06:39 PM
tread

What curse? The deaths they listed were of three fat guys, one who died of a heart attack and two who overdosed. The only strange thing is that they lived as long as they did.

10/21/2009 6:41:51 PM
Larsonius

Maybe the Confederacy of Dunces project curse had something to do with the fact that the author killed himself when the book got constantly rejected. And then his mother championed it so mercilessly that it got published. And then became famous.

Really, if the author dies before the book gets published, what are your chances of surviving as just an actor.

10/19/2009 5:46:44 PM
TheNerdyNinja

Arthur C. Clarke and David Fincher? Holy christ. I think I just cried a little.

9/23/2009 8:03:42 PM
DoctorMonster

blame jon peters for the utter horror that is the superman lives script

4/30/2009 1:00:48 AM
Baloun

I'd have excised anything that Howard Stern even thought hard about. But aside from that, solid list.

3/20/2009 11:03:46 PM
auslander

Maybe if Shyamalan had done the first HP movie, some people above 11 would have shown interest.

On second tought, he is one s****y director.

2/9/2009 2:05:58 PM
nova_NIN

I'd have to agree with OopsWrongPage. Anyone old enough to remember the project when it was in production knows damn well that Kevin Smith wrote a brilliant script and the studio's trained monkey wanted him to cut out the best scenes because it was meant to be more of an action figure commercial than a movie proper.
And the giant spider was definitely NOT Smith's idea.

1/21/2009 11:54:45 PM
MythicFox

I signed up just to verbally b***h slap PalinIsNotAMILF for shoddy research. The reason Smith WALKED OUT on the Superman project was because he had to share creative control with the jackass that put the giant spider into Wild Wild West. He also wanted to remove all scenes of Supes flying and wanted to pretty much have him look like Clark Kent the whole movie.
This idiot was forced on Smith by the studio after they put him in charge of a new script because he read the one they had at the time and royally fucked it off to the studio bosses.
I'll admit Smith has somewhat failed to live up to his early promise but do a bit of research before you slag him off for other people's idiocy.

1/19/2009 8:57:28 PM
OopsWrongPage

You had interest in the series?

...why?

1/7/2009 5:59:06 PM
TehJoker

Let me just say that Shyamalan is by far the shittiest director on the planet and since Unbreakable is the only movie he's ever made that worth watching, it's probably best we didn't give him a chance to f**k it up. Also, I don't care how lame Chris Columbus's movie was, if Shyamalan had directed the first HP I would have wept, and then probably lost all interest in the series.

12/20/2008 11:14:29 PM
QueenSativa

Smith may have the comic geek credentials, but his Superman would've sucked & blown at the same time:
Superman (Ben Affleck) is killed by Brainiac's (Jason Lee) giant mechanical spider (later recycled in Wild Wild West) and is immediately reincarnated in Lois Lane's (Linda Fiorentino) womb
on the plus side, Jack Nicholson was going to play Lex Luthor, though Jason Mewes was set to play Jimmy Olsen

after Tim Burton was signed to direct, he made some changes to better reflect the Death of Superman arc:
Superman (Nicolas Cage) is killed by Doomsday, who is simply a monster created by Brainiac (Tim Allen) and returns as he did in the comics to defeat the alliance of Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey in a role he eventually played in Superman Returns)
Courtney Cox was Lois Lane, Chris Rock was Jimmy Olsen, and Michael Keaton was going to have a cameo as Batman at Superman's funeral

12/6/2008 1:23:21 PM
PalinIsNotAMILF

i think a natural born killers 2 might be interesting if whoever does it doesnt totally f**k it up.

9/23/2008 2:55:37 PM
likeviolence311

Yeah. . . hell, Peter O'Toole himself committed suicide, poor bastard, God rest his soul. It was left to Walker Percy to get the book published. Catholic author. I'm just saying.

9/14/2008 7:35:55 PM
ardmore

jason lee might have been a good fletch (affleck not so much) but i'm not sitting through another hour and a half of chris rock bitching about white people.

9/12/2008 7:15:27 PM
baronzemo

The Hobbit is getting made. Peter Jackson doing basically the same job George Lucas did on "Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi" and those are the two greatest films of the saga. With Guillermo Del Toro directing. A man whose creature creation makes you look in awe and wet yourself in terror simultaneously.

And yes we all know that M. Night would have done a solid with the first Harry Potter setting the tone to dark and Less whimsical much earlier than the third film (set by Alfonso Cuaron. Gracias.) But since the first book in a series is much like the first movie in a superhero saga, and Harry Potter is just this side to being "SuperBoyWizard," (which would make his nude portrayal on Broadway as a horse beater [Equus] even more disturbing) A Saga-spawning Shyamalan-helmed movie might turn into his slowest film yet (the boy even sees ghosts....of course everyone else does too.) Or it could be his perfect medium. No seeing hypotheticals.

9/2/2008 5:03:58 PM
JakeCamAction

halo is a hard thing to do without f*****g it up. and. by the way, the hobbit not getting made. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT

shyamalan i think would have made a kick-ass harry potter, with all the forest stuff and the final scene, he should have made it.

ghostbusters in hell. im not sure whether or not that would be horribly crappy or pretty good.

schwarzeneggers crusade sounds kick-ass. but he would make a REALLY s****y dock ock.

8/28/2008 11:37:49 AM
willyhassertt

CHRIST, look at all these fucks advertising c**k pills, and thank f*****g god that south park has a libertarian stance, what the hell else would a satire cartoon be?

8/19/2008 10:21:36 PM
Proppyganja

Speaking of A Confederacy of Dunces: About 10 years ago, I was writing a letter to a friend of mine. We are both huge fans of the book, so I was trying to sound like Ignatius in my letter. It was getting late, so I decided to finish the letter the next day. I left it on the table--big mistake. The next morning, my mother found the letter, read it, and immediately scheduled me for a psych evaluation!

7/28/2008 6:23:41 PM
jbuzz

Ghostbusters In Hell would've been the greatest thing ever done.

7/13/2008 4:44:48 PM
beatcamel
Cracked stuff on