"I Want to Hold Your Hand" (India)
Pros: Who knew that between owning the Dallas Mavericks and being a billionaire software maven, Mark Cuban also found time to front an all-Indian Beatles cover band? Also, since he seems to be having a seizure throughout the video, why didn't anyone stop filming and get a doctor?
Cons: "These Beatles think they are so great, with their three guitars and drum set. Wait until they see our secret weapon!" "Surely, boss, you don't mean…" "Yes! A FOURTH guitar! Also, awkward choreography."
Highlight: About midway through, the band sings the incredibly romantic line: "We also create false promises," followed by fake-Cuban doing an amazing impression of Steve Martin's "Wild and Crazy Guys" schtick. Only, apparently he's trying to be seductive:
Conclusion: Say what you will about the spasmodic dancing and blatantly lifted guitar riffs, but it's hard to deny Bizarro Mark Cuban's angina-inducing enthusiasm.
" Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon" (China)
Pros: In his latest, thrilling, unauthorized Chinese adventure, Harry must use his centaur's keyhole-shaped genitalia to defeat the big, purple dragon from Disney's Sleeping Beauty! Or so we assume. Honestly, we'll just wait for the movie.
Cons: Reality is much more disappointing. According to Wikipedia, it turns out the book is mostly just a word-for-word copy of The Hobbit with the names changed. (Side note: We tried this trick with our college admissions essays and The Princess Diaries. Still nothing from Harvard.)
Highlight: No movie, so we'll probably have to choose Harry's hand gently caressing his centaur's hip:
Conclusion: Come on, China! Japan has been out-producing you in the whacked-out shit department since 1952. You finally have a chance to make good, and you fumble on the goal line. It's downright heartbreaking.