Given a choice between "seeing a bad comedy" and "being punched in the throat by Michael Chikliss" most people would probably choose the former. And given their natural fear of pain and their even more natural revulsion to Michael Chiklis, this may at first blush seem a wise coarse. But is it? (Hint: No.)
Say TV's Vic Mackey did smack you in the Adam's apple (and I wouldn't put it past him), what's the worst that could happen? That's right, he could crush your windpipe and you'd die. And wouldn't any right thinking person choose death over having to sit through some film in which, say, Adam Sandler plays a man who must infiltrate a crooked daycare center by masquerading as an overgrown toddler? Before you answer, please understand that there would be at minimum four scenes of grown ups trying to change Sandler's diaper who end up getting more than they bargained for! Adam Sandler, diapers, poop jokes Ã¢â‚¬" five minutes in you'd be forcing the brass knuckles onto Chiklis' meaty fist and begging for him to collapse your windpipe.
I guess what I'm saying is that bad comedies are worse than anything else ever in the whole of human history. And, hey, here are the five worst!
5Chairman of the Board
What happens when the stuffy, button down world of the corporate boardroom meets the nutty, high-energy mayhem of prop comedian Carrot Top? Well, I would tell you, but the results are so dark, so punishingly and relentlessly execrable that I fear it would break your mind. But here's a little glimpse:
A wealthy corporate type, played by Jack Warden, has car trouble and is rescued by an eccentric inventor named Edison, played with depth and intelligence by British actor Clive Owen (kidding -- it's Carrot, of course). Instead of doing the sensible thing, which is to scream and start swinging madly with a tire iron, Warden goes home and changes his will, leaving everything to Mr. C. Top. (I'm assuming the rest of his estate was divided evenly between Emo Phillips, Howie Mandell, and Gallagher.) Like most people who encounter Carrot Top for any length of time, Warden dies soon after, putting Carrot in charge.
It goes without saying that he runs afoul of all manner of authority figures, including Larry Miller and Raquel Welch, who is now comprised of 68 percent post consumer recycled parts. One of the things that is so frustrating about the film is that at no time does a character ask the question that is surely on everyone's mind: that is, "In the name of all that is good and holy, Carrot Top, what happened to your face? No offense, my friend, but are you a secret government experiment that went horribly wrong? Are you, sir, a freakish monster created by fusing together discarded clown parts? I know -- you fell out of a 750 foot-tall ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, only to be dragged up to the top and dropped several more times, right? Please tell me, I'll go mad unless I know! What are you?!"
4It's Pat: The Movie
The title tells you all you need to know: Yep, it's Pat all right. Pat, as it turns out, is neither funny, interesting nor in any way entertaining, nevertheless Pat exists.
Pat, as you'll recall, is the Saturday Night Live character of indeterminate sex. (No, you're thinking of David Spade. Pat is the one with dark curly hair.) In early '94, after the first "It's Pat" sketch went over fairly well, the producers took the concept, rolled it into a stiff baton and used it to endlessly and mercilessly beat the American public. We balled up on the floor and covered our heads, but brutal "It's Pat" sketches continued raining down. It must have been while we lay whimpering, hot tears stinging our eyes, that they gave the green light to the feature film.
As for the film, imagine a six-minute "It's Pat" sketch without one single laugh. Stretch it to 78 minutes and add the rock band Ween. It's It's Pat!