6 Insane Christmas Traditions From Around the World
As Americans, we pride ourselves in "doing Christmas up right." Tons of gifts, big holiday feasts, huge trees, the whole deal. USA! However, we sometimes forget that many non-American countries also celebrate Christmas, in their own adorable, misguided way. Is it wise for Americans to remain ignorant on the Christmas customs of our foreign neighbors? The answer, of course, is yes. And, here's why. #6. Belgium Belgium boasts not one, but two Santa Clauses, St. Nicholas and Pere Noel. St. Nicholas is the "bad cop" of the duo, and is all about reconnaissance. On Dec 4, he melts into the Belgian shadows to thoroughly investigate the backgrounds of unsuspecting children. While American Santa conducts his "naughty/nice" tallies up at the North Pole through magic, St. Nick's Belgian operation seems less about enchantment and more about unsavory late-night stakeouts and countless anxiously smoked cigarettes. His methods, while morally disquieting, are effective. By Dec 6, St. Nick has all the dirt, which he passes along to Pere Noel in time for Christmas. For the nice: presents; the naughty: twigs. Belgian Santa doesn't leave the naughty/nice debate open to interpretation. If you're bad, he takes the time to really rub your nose in it. Still, if he's tailed some poor Walloon kid around for the better part of a weekend, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that the little bastard deserved a handful of dirty sticks for Christmas. At least the stick-receiving child might be able to join forces stateside with our naughty children, who get coal in their stockings. Between the two of them, they could get a warm fire going, the greatest gift of all. #5. Brazil The Brazilian Santa Claus is Papai Noel, who travels to Brazil every Christmas in breathable silks, (hey, cut him a break it's summer down there) and lives in Greenland for the rest of the year. The deviation speaks volumes, really. American Santa lives in a magic house in the remotest part of the world. Brazil Santa lives in Greenland; a country that, while cold and remote, is still little more than a few stopover flights away. It's unclear whether the change was made in an effort to make Santa Claus' ridiculous mythology a little more plausible, or if Brazilian children are just too poor to afford plane tickets, and Greenland might as well be on the goddamn moon for all the good it would do them. Like America, Northern Brazil enjoys the tale of Jesus in a manger. In the Brazilian version, however, the shepherds are replaced by several shapely shepherdesses. Hoo damn, yes. Also, the manger animals talk, though they don't have a lot to say. Typical dialogue: "Christo nasceu (Christ is born)!" exclaims a rooster. "Onde (Where)?" asks a bull. Given that they're just animals, they can be forgiven for their clunky, expository dialogue, the purpose of which seems to be endlessly restating the obvious. In the most radical departure, a renegade gypsy actually kidnaps the Christ child, and the three wise men have to get him back. It gives us a badly needed high octane third act to the entire enterprise, and also rinses out the aftertaste of all that dull business with the talking animals ("Eu estou em um celeiro (I am in a barn !," says a sheep). We can only assume that the whole kidnapping ordeal ends in a fight between the wise men and the gypsy on the top of a speeding train. #4. Finland On Christmas Eve in Finland, the entire family puts on their coats and heads to the cemetery to pay respects to the dead with candles and singing, a tribute that doubles as both touching Christmas tradition and traumatizing nightmare for Finnish children. It's telling to think that a child's only wish on Christmas Eve might be to "not get lost in the graveyard at night like last year." Adding more fuel to the Santa Claus geography debate, the Finnish have their Santa (Joulupukki) living in the northern part of Finland, to the frustration of Greenland purists. According to fact site Virtual.Finland.fi (a boon for those of us who'd prefer to think of Finland in a non-physical, implied sense), Father Christmas "uses whatever means of transportation is best suited to the weather conditions." He has a sleigh drawn by team of reindeer, natch, but also a team of dogs, a car, an airplane, a snowmobile and even a helicopter. It sucks a bit of the magic out of Christmas to envision Santa living 20 miles up north, tooling around the woods on a snowmobile. Plus, without the magical aspect to the toy distribution, cracks appear in the myth pretty quickly: How does he keep the snowmobile topped up with gas? Why the need for an airplane and a helicopter, and how is he landing either of them in the backyards of Finnish children? What does "whatever means of transportation is best suited" imply? Does Father Christmas have access to, say, a submarine if the need arises? Who's funding this? #3. Estonia Estonia claims their Christmas (Joulud) has no connection with Christianity at all; nonetheless, their decorations and customs look suspiciously Jesus-like. One of the most important Estonian peasant traditions involves the bringing home of authentic "Christmas straw," which is supposed to symbolize the manger. Whose manger, Estonia? The children are encouraged to frolic around in this filthy horse food and, with no other options given to them, most likely do just that. Christmas Eve and Night are considered sacred, and Estonians use the two-day window for the exclusive purpose of fortune telling, predicting next year's weather and harvest. Ancestors' spirits are said to visit families' houses during this time. How they get along with the strange fortune tellers already mingling about the premises is not elaborated upon, though one suspects it's no more awkward than an American Christmas with ample amounts of egg nog and beer available. Another of the oldest holiday traditions in Estonia is the Christmas Eve sauna, which is exactly as unappealing as it sounds. After being required to see all of your immediate family sweaty and nude, one might welcome the opportunity for a heart-to-heart with a relative visiting from beyond the grave. #2. Latvia Latvian Santa Claus goes by the charming moniker of Ziemmassve'tku veci'tis, or "Big Zimmer" for short. Old Zimzy is required to bring presents on each of the 12 days of Christmas. They work their Santa like a mule, make no mistake. Latvia also apparently holds the honor of inventing the Christmas tree. The next time you want a peek into the thought processes of a Latvian, keep in mind that they were the first people to decide, apropos of nothing, to chop down a tree and cover it with sprinkles. Like Estonia, J.C. is nowhere to be found among the Christmas festivities. Instead, Latvians commemorate the rebirth of the Sun Maiden, a shifty-sounding girl who goes by the names Saule, Saul, Motule, Saules, Mate and many others. If you think it sounds a little suspicious to need this many names for the relatively simple business of pulling the sun around the sky on a golden-wheeled fire chariot, you're not alone. The best-known Latvian Christmas tradition is an odd custom called mumming. "Mummers" wear an assortment of masks, the most traditional bearing the likeness bears, horses, goats, haystacks, gypsies, and, delightfully, living corpses. A bear or a goat would be pretty easy to pull off, but you've got to hand it to any Latvian designer given the thankless task of coming up with a haystack costume. Getting instructions like "It has to look exactly like a haystack, but with arms and legs and eyes and a face" every year would dampen the spirit of someone who didn't live in Latvia. #1. Italy Italian parents, presumably concerned over the pagan nature of modern-day Santa Claus, outlawed the practice of telling children that Santa delivered them their presents. Instead, the Vatican, unable to prove the existence of Santa but, for some reason certain about the existence of witches, decided to tell kids that a kindly old witch, La Befana, delivers them. Rock solid, Vatican. According to legend, the Wise Men asked La Befana to accompany them to see the infant Jesus. She refused, saying she was too busy. Now there's a lady who doesn't want anyone to get the wrong impression about her. WISEMAN No. 1 BELFANA WISEMAN No. 2 BELFANA WISEMAN No. 3 BELFANA sprays pepper spray in the Wisemen's faces, slams door. After missing the wondrous sight of his birth, Belfana goes from house to house each year, leaving gifts and looking for the Christ child. Someone should tip her off that J.C. was last spotted in Brazil, being fought over like a fumbled football on top of a speeding train.
We're going to see the Baby Jesus be born this very eve.
I have a boyfriend.
That's just fantastic. Would you like to come see the birth of Jesus?
He's as big as 10 wagons.
That sounds nice. Would you like to watch the birth of God?
Spread some holiday cheer with this e-card from Cracked.com and IFC's Whitest Kids You Know.
Cracked, I am disappoint. Germany and the traditions hailing from it definitely should have been included on this list. Krampus and Knecht Ruprecht are far more insane than many of the things you mentioned.
Replyhow did krampuslauf not make this list!!! somebody sent me a video of it and i peed in my pants a little... you can find it on youtube
ReplyOh, this article is PREJUDICIAL! f**k U Jay Pinkerton AND YOUR AMERICAN ASS!
ReplyGoogle "Tio de Nadal", "Caganer" and "Krampus" for three more crazy Christmas traditions that should have made this list, but inexplicably didn't.
ReplyMany of the above customs seem more than understandable if you consider the Pagan origins of "Christmas" which is actually the customs from the Solstice and/or Yule traditions which are about the days getting longer again and the re/birth of the Sun. It was only when the church was trying to convert the Pagans so grafted onto the celebrations that they would not give up. Since it was all about the birth of the Sun they basically said "No, you guys are spelling ti wrong. It's SON not SUN meaning Christ."
ReplyExcept that "filius" and "sol" don't really sound that much alike ("hyios" and "helios" sound a bit closer, but the vowels are pretty distant in quality).
There's something about this article... something bad. Typically I am entertained and informed by Cracked. This, while being informative, is hardly entertaining. It's more informative about the author's xenophobia than anything else.
Reply"6 Insane Christmas Traditions From Around the World" Sure "insane", if you consider what "traditional American" Christmas is about =P I mean think about it, the story of Santa Claus is not really less strange than the stories above. Man lives on the North pole with elves and flying reindeer and somehow manages to give billions of people presents around the globe. Jep, not insane at all or anything =P But of course, Cracked loves a good portion of mocking other cultures, and I don't disagree, some traditions do sound a bit outlandish, if only because we're not used to them. To the inhabitants of that country, it's probably the most normal thing in the world.
ReplyI am missing the dutch celebration where Saint Nicholas of myra (turkey)who now lives in spain (we are not sure where exactly) comes to holland on a steamboat to celebrate his birthday (december 5th)
ReplyHe has a big book in which he keeps scores who has been naughty and who has been nice.
If you have been nice his negroid slaves (they have to be white people painted black though and we tell the children they are black because they are covered in soot nowadays) come around with a big sack filled with traditional candy and presents.
If you have been naughty they will beat you with sticks and put you in their bag to take you to spain (we do not know what happens to the children from that point but since Saint Nicholas was a catholic priest... well you do the math).
Oh and he has a big white horse on which he rides around on the rooftops surrounded by his helpers crawling around the rooftops looking for chimneys to enter.
There is alot more but i wanted to keep it short because of the attention span of people reading comments on the internet.
True, but this article is about -Christmas- traditions. In the Netherlands we still see Sinterklaas/Saint Nicholas seperate from Christmas...
yes but the whole santa clause (sinterklaas) idea was brought to america by dutch colonists so it is one of the most profound roots of the (american) christmas celebration, therefore i thought it was relevant.
Actually...
ReplyThe one from Belgium isn't quite true. I'm from Belgium and we don't have two different Santa Clauses, we just speak two languages. In Dutch, Santa Claus would be Sinterklaas and in French, it'd be Père Noel.
The part about the twigs is true, but isn't told to children anymore. (We're not that cruel.)
Wait, so Saint Effing Nicholas is not good to the Vatican, but a Christmas Witch is perfectly fine? Wow.
ReplyNo one said the Vatican were sane.
Us Central Europeans feel somewhat left out. I went to a Christmas market in...Jesus I don't even remember. I think it was Salzburg (Or Innsbruck.), but it was rather insane. There were a few drunk Germans (And Americans...and Italians...and Frenchmen...etc.etc...). Hilarity ensued.
Replylol we can't prove santa but we can prove witches right?
ReplyA pagan is going to kill you.
*virtual black salt*
Good job, Cracked, but La Befana doesn't arrive on Christmas Eve. You know how the twelve days of Christmas actually start on Christmas Day? Yeah, it's something like that. The story is like this:
ReplyThe three kings had already visited the Baby Jesus and warned Mary of King Herod's intent to kill the Baby. Mary, Joseph, and the Baby ventured around Bethlehem looking for a place to hide. Mary knocked on several doors and got no response. One woman, La Befana, opened her door; and Mary begged her to hide the Baby in a basket of lupini beans (more on that later). La Befana flat out refused, because she thought Mary was some begger-woman. The Holy Family left and moved on to find a hiding place. Days later, La Befana had heard talk of a baby being born onto a young woman and that he was the Son of God. She then realized that it was Baby Jesus she had turned away. So thereafter, she would travel around the world on the anniversary of the day she turned them away, to find the Baby, apologize, and offer Him presents. She goes to every house that has a child, in hopes that the child that lives there might by the baby she turned away. She does this on the eve of the Feast of the Three Kings, so that on January 6th, children open up all their presents. Christmas itself is more of a religious experience for the Italians, and the actual *bigger* gift exchange is on La Befana (the official name for the day). And Babbo Natale (Father Christmas) brings you chocolate/candy on Christmas Eve (that's pretty much the extent of the presents on Christmas).
The thing with the lupini beans:
If you've ever had a lupini bean, this will be an interesting story. According to lore, when Mary was turned away by La Befana, she placed a curse on the lupini beans. Her curse was so that you could eat and eat and eat lupini and never feel that your hunger is satisfied. It's interesting, becuase you could probably eat a pound/half-kilo of them and you'd never get full (which is very strange for a legume).
Thank you!
I have carried on my grandmother's tradition of making lupini beans for Christmas without ever learning this story.
Are they easier to find in Italy? I have to order them online from Italian shops.
Gosh you Americans failed so badly, again. Let's tell about Finnish Christmas. Sure, yeah, we go to the graveyard. Not all families, but many. Only sad thing about it is that often its so cold! -20 degrees Celsius, even more sometimes. No children gets nightmares, there's just bunch of grave stones. Why don't children want to do it? Because its cold and boring, but it's also nice to just remember all the loved ones who passed away. Personally, i think it's beautiful there, with all the candles.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesSecondly, lets make this clear: Santa definitely lives in Finland, it's a fact. What would reindeers eat on north pole? Just think about it. No, reindeers don't eat hay, so bringing that from somewhere wouldn't help. They're not horses. They eat mostly this thing called lichen, plus sometimes some other stuff. Its kind of like moss. Bringing loads of that to north pole? Hard. It's easier to let them get it for themselves.
Most of the time, Santa comes to homes by reindeers, though they are usually somewhere where they can't be seen. Is some rare occasions he might use other vehicles in case the place is hard to reach with sleigh. And the fact that Santa lives quite close doesn't make the holiday any less magical. Kids don't really understand what is far do they? To a kid, 100 miles is far, but the time you are older, 100 miles is actually quite near.
And you missed one, in Finland, Santa comes in Christmas Eve evening. He comes to homes, you can talk to him, he hands out the presents, it's so cool! We don't have to wait over the night, and we have the whole evening to play with toys, AND the whole next day! How cool is that?
And the Estonians and sauna... Sorry to say, but even though Estonians go to sauna, it's definitely a Finnish thing. Most houses here have a sauna. Many people go there weekly, but many families have a tradition of going to sauna in Christmas. Gosh it's osm! It's hot, ok, also sometimes unpleasant, but it really relaxes all your muscles, and the sweat pushes all the little dirt out of your skin. You feel so much better after it. It means you have to get naked in front of other people, but the whole thing is really flexible. You can go there with whole family, if everyone is comfortable that way. Sometimes men go first, then women, or other way. And, you can as well say that you want to go alone, whatever suits you best. No-one has to do anything they're uncomfortable with. But really, when you go there as family, there's nothing sexual in that situation. Being naked is normal in that situation, its kind of like putting a bikini on a beach.
And just wandering, how could Finnish Christmas be less awesome that the US one? We get the whole family together, go to sauna, play in the snow at the day, It whole lot of Christmas food, go remember loved ones on graveyards (they are beautiful, so much candles!) and wait for Santa to come. He comes to homes and hands out presents, and then we open them. It's christmas, it's awesome!
My greetings from the country of Santa, Nokia, Linux, Angry Birds, Sauna and Northern lights! Welcome you all to Finland, to see the Christmas traditions that are hundreds of years old.
suck my butt
sounds nice
Wait what Linux?
I was not aware of that.
Please stop embarrasing the rest of us. ._.
My god you are an obsessed freak. Everything you just said is too lovingly, insanely detailed to be just a joke. Just... wow.
God. You are a troll. *virtual black salt*
Cracked, you have failed indeed. Brazilian Christmas is so not like that! It is crazy, and if you had showed the real traditions, it would have been way funnier.
ReplyCracked, you have failed indeed. Brazilian Christmas is so not like that! It is crazy, and if you had showed the real traditions, it would have been way funnier.
ReplyCracked, you have failed. Whatever happened to the sadistic Dutch Santa and his six to eight black men who were former slaves?
ReplyBefore you go making comments like that, research the origins.
The left-hand Santa picture from #6 (the black and white one) reminds me bizarrely of Lady Gaga.
ReplyI'd expect everyone to know this by now, but I've got to stress that - seeing as I live in Estonia, I'm a reliable enough source to say this - no one ever does what is mentioned above. I don't know a single person who does that.
ReplyI bet it's the same Americanized Christmas in all of the above-mentioned countries, just like it is here. We watch Christmas movies, have a big get-together with our families and eat a titlot of food, and then open presents.
Those written above are what are known as "Christmas traditions", also known as "Something no one has done in the respective countries for hundreds of years, unless you're a hermit whose only gateway to any sort of civilization has been some ancient piece of cloth by your grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grandfather that told you about these silly, superstitious, out-dated Christmas traditions". Not that a person like that would ever celebrate Christmas, and have anyone to celebrate it with, but there you go.
Also, yeah, people go to a sauna here sometimes, and maybe even on Christmas, but that depends whether you live in a city, or in the countryside. Few people here in the city actually go "OH s**t IT'S CHRISTMAS LET'S ALL GO GET SWEATY AND HOT AND BOTHERED TOGETHER". f**k, I live here, and I haven't been to a sauna in years.
What about Dutch Santa and his 6 to 8 black guys?
Reply