The 5 Most Kick-Ass Apocalyptic Prophecies
There are a lot of apocalyptic scenarios looming out there, in various religious sects in the nooks and crannies of history. Though the scenarios are wildly different in method, you can rest assured that most will leave us all equally dead.
While we can't know which one is actually going to happen, here are the ones we're rooting for, along with the heavy metal album cover each most resembles.
#5.
Judgment Day
Source: Christian New Testament
What to watch for:
Four guys on a multicolored assortment of horses will charge across the world, spreading War, Famine, Pestilence and Death. In other words, things will look exactly like they do now, so you'll need to actually see the horses to know something is up.
What comes next:
Few denominations can agree on what happens, and when. The basic idea is that while we all play "Spot the Antichrist" amid tornadoes and earthquakes, pretty much every comet in the universe hits Earth, turning the rivers and seas to poison blood. Mankind fights a gargantuan war involving 200 million soldiers. Then, invincible scorpion locusts swarm across the land, stinging the crap out of everyone who hasn't been marked by God.
Satan walks the Earth. Then, after a period of time somewhere between seven to 1,000 years, Jesus returns with tears of love in his eyes, and gives everyone a pass to Heaven.
Ha, no, we were kidding. The Good Shepherd divides the survivors into "sheep" and "goats." Guess which group spends an eternity in everlasting fire.
Can you survive it?
The Christian apocalypse is tricky. Some sects say the believers will be sucked off Earth before any of the most terrible stuff happens, leaving the other 99 percent of humanity to suffer the millennium of unspeakable horrors. Others think the believers will be left to do battle with Satan' hordes along with the rest of the godless heathens.
Luckily, according to the Bible, all this can only come when no one is expecting it. So we're safe for now, thanks to this article.
A heavy metal album cover for reference:
Iron Maiden - The Number of the Beast
Rating:
Seven separate seals, trumpets, thunders and judgments, including war and disease and meteors and monsters ... at times the author seemed to be spinning the Wheel O' Disaster to see what kind of horror would strike the world next. It's all over the place and honestly, it just feels like piling on. We give it a 4/10.
To all the nitpickers in the comments: yes technically what we think of as 'Vikings' are A.D. But Norse and Scandinavian mythology, religion, and culture is B.C.
ReplyDayum, Hopi. You specific as fuck.
ReplyZoroastrianism was and is a true warrior's religion.
ReplyHow could you use Ragnarok and not bring up Amon Amarth...?
ReplyWas just about to write the same thing!!
Conquest, War, Famine and Death*
ReplyHoly shit. If f*****g RAGNAROK isn't enough for you, I don't want to see what a 10/10 would look like.
Reply10/10 would be giant dicks from another dimension come down and rape everyone in the ass (they have 15 inchers), conquer the world and feed people to a giant tooth , maggot filled vagina monster..
ava- that just sounds like Tuesday around here. You should see Thursdays, eesh.
Wohoo!! According to the aztecs, spain ended everyone!!!! Everyone always messing with spain, and always, but we will have the last laugh as those spiders from alien vs predator or the skeletons cut everyone to bits. Including us, but we will die laughing at every nation who ever dared to mess with spain
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesof course, you would f**k everything up, you live to f**k people up, but unlike you, i plan on surviving
the aztecs predicted that the spaniards were horrible monsters that stole from and killed all the innocent native americans.turns out that was true (via christopher columbus). congradulations
I dont know man the hopi indian were pretty f*****g accurate..
The Hopi were the most accurate.. hell more accurate than the bible
With the Hopi's reputation of accuracy on this topic, I am pretty pleased that I live in Arizona, rather than Spain, to be honest.
Spain is still a country? I thought France sold it to Greece last week. Or maybe it was a penguin. Ah, doesn't matter.
Zombie-robot apocalypse. Nanobots retain survival instincts as 10 or so % of the population is injected with them. If they die, they still "live" due to the bots. If you get a nanecros blood in an open wound or ingest them, you run the risk of becoming a nanecro if you die. THIS WILL HAPPEN. And please, by all means allow it.
ReplyAlso, don't steal my idea. I'm making a graphic novel about it.
You just described a Jason X & Chronicles of Riddick crossover. Maybe with a touch of Borg and MIchael Crichton. Good look on your "homage."
Just an aside, I realize most people are unfamiliar with Asatru, but it's incorrect to call it "Norse mythology." Well, at least no more correct than to call the Bible "Christian mythology."
ReplyThe Bible is Christian mythology?
Also as an aside, no one gives a shit.
I'd prefer it if humanity went out with a bang, rather than simply sputter out of existance due to our own stupidity.
ReplyAlso, BIG ASS 'SPOSIONS!
The five *most* kick-ass prophecies, and not one of them is a 10/10 - not cool, bro.
ReplyMaybe it has something to do with the fact that, in each one, we all f*****g die. That would trim a few points in my book.
End of the world prophets make millions in tax-free donations, enjoy thousands of sycophantic followers, all based on a 100% failure rate. Next stop... Wall Street.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOne day one of them will be right. And this post will make you sound awfully silly.
True, he'll be sitting there, face melting off from a lavasplosion while scorpiwolves eat his legs, thinking "Ohhh, if only I'd edited!"
Actually that Hopi was has been pretty darn accurate, but since they revealed it AFTER alot of it had come true, I kind of wonder if they padded it a bit.
Most experts agree the Hopi prophecy is total bullshit, and was basically wasn't created until 1959.
ReplyThat's what the article said, dummy.
But really, does that make it any less awesome?
Left out Amon Amarth, Twilight of the Thunder God. Come on, performed by f*****g Vikings!
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesthat CD wasn't out when this article was written.
Ya but everything by Tyr was
Pretty sure he said heavy metal album, not melodeath.
wasn't there something to the effect of #2 in Tintin: Prisoners of the Sun?
ReplyHopi legend revealed, really? Don't you mean concocted in 1959? You cheated by putting that one in.
ReplyThe heavy metal album cover for reference was a nice touch though. But why the babe at the end?
The babe needs no reason. She is welcome anywhere.
Hey? Whats wrong with Arizona?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesEverything except for open carry. It's hot as a mothersmurfer and smells like Jesse ventura and John McCain.
dont like us brown people in there xD
If it wasn't so damned hot and full of illegals, nothing. Your gun laws are awesome, you have Castle Doctrine, and you're not on Daylight Saving Time.
Yay, Viking apocalypse is number one, my ancestors literally had balls of steel
ReplyThey must have had difficulty walking past large magnets.
Not to mention the difficulty in producing offspring... They must have managed though, as we have oletheking as evidence
Hmm... I'm surprised there's been no real reference to how the christians stole the Norse mythology (of course many others are involved but this specific one is in the very beginning of the bible.) Not to mention that christians don't even read their own f*****g book well enough to know that the number 666 IS NOT the number of satan it is the number of man. As well, three sixes was considered just as noteworthy as one. They used three with ALL the numbers to provide emphasis and make sure people memorize what they mean (over the years it seems they have flopped.) What's even more hilarious is how many celebrations they took from the druids and turned into their own things with their own meanings (see: christmas. Jesus was born May 14th. And on the side, Santa Clause is based on a saint in Europe made and gave gifts to the children living in poverty during that time. He did it every year until he died, passing the story along so that others would hopefully be able to receive the same blessings he gave which is why people began to give gifts to one another.) Oh how I could go on but I do not see the need. Christianity is such a fallacy I am surprised the world isn't dead from the hypocrisy and thievery...
Reply Hide All See All 9 Repliescalm down dear
Yes, yes, raaaah Christianity. Most of us here are already past being 15 years old, so none of that was even remotely new, interesting, or insightful. Cool impotent pissiness, though.
Indeed, I would like to hear from you about how the Christians stole Norse mythology. Funny how Christianity has existed more than 11 centuries before the earliest records we do have of Norse mythology though.
Vikings were A.D. Christianity was started when Christ came, over 11 centuries before Vikings. So who stole what? Yeah. Shut the f**k up.
Sounds more like Christians stole from Zoroastrianism.
Basically all religions are all guilty of a bit of thievery. Nothing is very original anymore.
Include the Jews and the Muslims on the list of those who stole from Zoroastrianism
all the major religons ( judaism islam n christianity) are based on the acient pagan religions of the past such as the cult of marduk, aton ,zoroasterism and the ancient sumerian tales of the annunaki.. religions take inspiration from each other, but its funny how they turn n demonize each other lol.. hinduism is older than the three I mentioned above, check the ancient sand script texts, they describe the gods using machines.
Just a note: The Christians didn't "steal" Pagan celebrations to fold into their doctrine. They moved the celebration of Christ's birth to better facilitate the assimilation of Pagans into Roman Christian society. Also, Santa Clause has absolutely nothing to do with Christianity. People need to do a little independent reading and some serious critical thinking, including reflecting on ALL these "major" holy books and not just the one they are comfortable with, to better understand the various groups around the world. In my opinion (take it or leave it) I believe that since we ALL HAVE TO LIVE ON THE SAME WHIRLING SPACE ROCK we should just leave each other alone. Go ahead and spread your message, but don't just f*****g murder anyone who doesn't agree with you. Try to understand that not everyone is the same, and being a hard core murderous fanatic will only make the majority of the planet's population hate you. So, in short: Don't be a dick.
Well dang, looks like I gotta go and see where Yggdrasil is. Loving your writing style.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesThe suckish part of Norse Mythology is the ones armed and trained are only the ones chosen my Valkyries, I think. The rest of us has to deal with all the things Loki released. Blergh.
Valkyries take the ones who died with glory in battle to Valhalla, where they will fight, drink, and f**k until Ragnarok which is when they fight.
Everyone who does not die in battle goes to "Hel"(guess what derived from that) which is basicly a new life, or a freezing wasteland depending on who you believe
Vikings are A.D. So Who stole from who?
I just realised A LOT of lore from world of warcraft: wrath of the lich king is taken from norse mythology.
@JoshCalle: The Norse culture, and the religion, existed for thousands of years before Jesus. Just because you associated the Vikings with the 10th century doesn't mean their religion sprung up then, any more than saying that because Pat Robertson is around now that Christianity must be new.
Christians obviously. Even Christmas is a Pagan holiday lol.
Josh, you know that the story of Christianity and Hell along with was created hundreds, if not thousands of years after Jesus "lived" right? And Vikings are not A.D. They're B.C.