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The 5 Most Kick-Ass Apocalyptic Prophecies

By Gavin Fyhrie September 19, 2007 954,410 views

#3.

The Return of Pahana

Source: The Hopi tribe of Native-Americans

What to watch for:
The arrival of white men in the lands of the Hopi Indians, taking land that isn't theirs and killing their enemies with hand-held thunder.

Wait a minute.

Uh oh.

What comes next:
It looks like we got to this prophecy a little late. The foretold snakes of iron, electronic spider webs and rivers of stone have already crossed the world and the seas are already polluted. Some people say the ninth and final sign, a "dwelling place in the stars falling to earth," happened in 1979 when Skylab crash-landed in Australia.

All that' left is the great wars between the White Man and his enemy in the deserts-

Goddammit.

Can you survive it?
The Hopi were polite enough to provide this part for us. According to prophecy, those who wish to avoid all the diseases and destruction should move to the lands of the Hopi. The bad news: "the lands of the Hopi" means Arizona. The good news: It' only temporary. Any day now, the Hopi are expecting the return of Pahana, or the "lost white brother" from the stars that left them thousands of years ago. When he descends, the survivors become wise and start making the world a better place.

Still, Arizona.

A heavy metal album cover for reference:
Iron Maiden - Brave New World

Rating:
What the Hopi' "great renewal" lacks in rivers of boiling blood and screaming demonic dragons, it makes up in deadly accuracy. Though it appears we're 98 percent of the way through this one, it' not really our fault: It was only revealed to the outside world in 1959. 6/10.

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125 Comments

did any one else notice the fact that the hopi prdiction was unknown to us until it had started to come true the only thing that hadn't started to or already happened was the space home thing ad the white dude from the stars one is based off of predictions from the budding american-russian space race and the other is just complete nonsense

8/20/2009 1:45:39 AM

meman93

Well dammit...even if they offer me the job in Utah, I can't move now that I know Arizona is the safe haven of the Hopi apocalypse.

Maybe it's 'safe' because we'll all be too busy getting drunk on the res to notice all the world-ending stuff happening around us.

4/28/2009 10:38:25 AM

ultra_violet

Fimbulwinter (the forerunner of Ragnarök-and-roll) isn't so much three seasons of winter, as it is three years of solid winter...

Otherwise, surprisingly accurate portrayal for a comedy piece! Duuude!

4/27/2009 5:38:45 AM

smparadox

Awesome, I can't wait!

4/9/2009 12:41:41 PM

Archprophet

HA! I knew Ragnarok would win. However, the gods don't fight each other, they fight the Jotnar (Giants).

3/31/2009 12:01:36 PM

Feltrain

anybody click on that "December 21, 2012" ad??

I stopped reading as soon as John Edwards name came up, which was the first sentence. lol

3/24/2009 2:29:30 PM

4thSurvivor

Yay for Arizona. We're not all going to die. Yay

3/21/2009 9:29:38 PM

mantaray95

WHOA!....yup...I need to change my shorts.....Excuse meH....

3/19/2009 8:37:57 AM

LosMuertos

3 seasons of winter? do they mean central new york?

3/19/2009 8:31:48 AM

all1mlos1ng1sme

i'm safe
i live in arizona

3/18/2009 8:02:09 PM

vadetatimus

Tyr is a great band and their covers are epic. It's a pity they don't get a lot of notice.

3/17/2009 3:24:02 PM

Janus

album cover for #1... hmm...

I'm surprised Ragnarok by Tyr wasn't on there...

2/25/2009 10:35:39 AM

grizzedram

My sword would bite deep.

2/17/2009 6:22:00 PM

cujo131

Ragnarok I could handle. If the world has to end, I can't think of a more fullfilling way to go than swinging an axe at an ice giant (possibly with Thor fighting right alongside me). Obviously, the afterlife would no longer be existant, so that rules out seeing any instant replays of my death afterwards, but still, anybody who happened to be present (again, possibly Thor) would be all like, "Woooooaaaah," and then they'd get angry and fight even harder. Best. Apocalypse. Ever.

2/13/2009 11:27:36 PM

davehead3

Ack, I meant #4. I'm not christian, I don't wanna get eaten by Satan. :[

2/10/2009 10:31:03 AM

Nikacho

#5 actually sounds cool. Kick-ass moment, nice ending! Woot!

2/10/2009 10:28:40 AM

Nikacho

Or, you know, Týr's album Ragnarok, seeing as it's about, well, Ragnarok. More accurately, the events that led up to it. Still a lot more applicable than Dragonforce though.

2/7/2009 8:33:28 PM