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6 Questions The Last Harry Potter Book Had Better F#@king Answer

By Robotman July 17, 2007 741,386 views
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The final chapter of the Harry Potter saga, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, is set to be released on July 21st at the stroke of midnight. Desperate for clues about what will happen in the final book, fans have been scouring the Internet and rhythmically caressing their imitation Firebolts as they build themselves up to a fever pitch. Big questions about Harry's final year have yet to be answered: What electives will Harry take? Will he get a part time job, to try and save money for a wizard-car? Will he confide in Principal Belding with his concerns about Jesse's drug addiction?

All of those are good guesses, but here at Cracked, we suspect that the final book will probably be about the dozens of dangling plot threads left over from the previous six books. That, and sex. Lot's of clumsy, clutching, adolescent wizard sex. If these bold predictions arouse and astound you, and you're interested in finding out exactly which ball-shatteringly important questions need answering, continue reading...

Is Dumbledore really dead?

The first rule of thumb when reading a pulp mystery-which, if you hadn't noticed, is what the Harry Potter books are-is that a murder isn't a murder if you lose track of the body. When Snape "killed" Dumbledore, Dumbledore's corpse was conveniently propelled backwards off the castle walls and out of sight. You don't have to be Angela Lansbury to realize that's pretty fishy. Is it possible that Dumbledore negated the curse while in free fall, miraculously survived the 100 foot drop, regained his feet, fed Polyjuice potion to a carefully pre-positioned bear, killed the bear, then slunk into the shadows to let it take his place?

Yes, quite frankly, that could happen-and it wouldn't even be the stupidest thing to happen in the Harry Potter universe. That would be Quidditch.

Still, there are a lot of clues to suggest that poor old Dumbledore really has been flushed down the toilet of the Potter-verse. His phoenix Fawke singing that sad-sad song of sorrow was a pretty conclusive-looking sign. Also, there was the host of witnesses who saw Dumbledore's body up close. And there was Dumbledore's portrait suddenly appearing in the headmaster's office at school. And perhaps most definitively, J.K. Rowling has confirmed this herself in an interview, saying "Dumbledore is definitely dead," before obnoxiously adding, "but it's complex."

What does "complex" mean? Does it mean he'll live on in the hearts and minds of those who loved him? That he'll reappear in a vaguely shimmery way and advise Harry to seek further training on the planet Dagobah? That he's enlisted the aid of top Muggle scientists to transfer his consciousness into a talking car? Or will it be something stupid?

Our "100% Lock, Money-in-the-Bank" Prediction: Dumbledore's dead, but still around via the talking portrait. Harry will consult it for advice throughout the concluding novel, and at a critical juncture, remove it from the wall of the headmaster's office, using it to club Draco in the back of the head before dryly stating "The head-master's office hours are over, bitch."

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2995 Comments

Okay, I gotta say, it was funny. I haven't read the last book in ages (well since it got out) and now I know what I'll do with my day.
By the way, freakishly good predictions, you should do it for more sequels/end of story.

!!!

10/21/2009 11:55:51 AM
mataka16

"... and countless slashfic stories where Luke shows a bound and gagged Han Solo what "The Force" is all about."

So. Many. Bad. Images.

Anyways. Fantastic article, even if the last book has been released. ^^

10/20/2009 4:02:31 PM
lanaluff

I thought it sould have been a bit longer and a bit different, but what can you do??? she wrote 7 novels, you do that!

click my dragon egg so it will hatch!!!

7/16/2009 10:36:49 PM
callalily1

It's crazy how accurate a lot of these predictions were... O.o

7/15/2009 1:59:58 PM
redx190

The greatest tragedy was the naming of Harry's youngest son. Albus Severus? ALBUS f*****g SEVERUS?! That kid is going to suffer for the rest of his life because his dad is a whiny b***h who has to name everything after someone else. It's this that make me think Harry Potter and Twilight were in cahoots.
Harry Potter finale: everyone dies.
Twilight finale: no one dies.
Harry Potter Finale: kid called Albus goddamn Severus Potter.
Twilight finale: kid called Reneseme "Nessie" Carlie Cullen

7/14/2009 6:31:20 PM
ka_la_la_lira

TWO characters? More like 40. Jeez, EVERYONE died.

7/3/2009 9:34:32 PM
gogeex

1. Correct, but he does come back all shimmery and ghostly.
2. Correct, it was a set up from the start.
3. Incorrect, Harry was a horcrux, apparently wizards kill ridiculously rarely.
4. Correct, f*****g... I mean... Duuuuuh.
5. Correct, at least as far as the concept goes. It pretty much stuck with the kissin'
6. Eerily accurate. I'd swear to god Cracked new something we didn't.

6/26/2009 11:49:03 PM
ondonaflash

sorry people he is dead

6/26/2009 4:29:38 PM
potterfan1212

"Voldemort's also toast, and will likely meet his fate when Harry shoots him with his last bullet, fired from a wand taped to his back."

Don't you mean Snape?

6/18/2009 4:31:03 PM
Kevfent

The picture of Harry at the end of the sex section made me LOL.

6/18/2009 2:05:11 PM
dasher11

But in the end, only 8 characters die and only 7 of them should never have died. Thank you, Rowling, for sparing us the death of the main 3 characters by killing off most of the other characters that were much more interesting.

6/18/2009 1:49:57 PM
TotallyRad

4 out of 6 aint bad.

6/18/2009 11:58:26 AM
civver

It's funny how many of these predictions are right on target. I thought only 1 would be in-the-ballpark, but at least 2 were 100% right, and if you count the epilouge, then that's 2 1/2. (The fact that the main 3 have kids pretty much screams that they had sex.)

6/18/2009 11:11:53 AM
Windona

"but not in a gay way"

6/18/2009 8:53:46 AM
Micktrex

Mrlarry you tickle my funny bone.

6/18/2009 8:53:22 AM
Micktrex

It's real interesting reading this after knowing what does happen in the book.

Also, wizarding world sex ed: "Be sure to use a protection spell, you don't want your wand to get hogwarts"

6/18/2009 5:48:28 AM
mrlarry

lol i stopped reading the books at like book 5...i was reading this and was like holy f*ck all that happen? wow

3/1/2009 10:38:00 PM
katieh6661

Finally, Emma Watson turns 18 and to celebrate she shoots the Paparazzi a panty (crotch) shot AFTER she announces she wishes to do a nude. Now why couldn't they put THAT in the last movie ?

12/9/2008 6:25:17 PM
windowlicker

lol at
' is he evil or just greasy?'
excellent!!

10/10/2008 5:48:41 AM
shadyzladii

I love Harry Potter. **ninja**

9/5/2008 2:10:50 PM
SlickityMuffet

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