Bill O'Reilly Teaches You How to Play Poker

The liberal media has been known to argue that Bill O'Reilly is not as "fair and balanced" as his network lets on. To avoid potential hate mail from pinko Ivy League elitists, CRACKED decided to scrap our scheduled column, "Bill O'Reilly Opines on Eugenics" and have him write about a topic as objective and apolitical as they come: the game of poker.

Seat Selection When One Of The Players At The Table Is A Homosexual
Seat selection is an important aspect of poker. Generally, it is preferable to sit to the immediate left of an aggressive player so that you can act after him. This would imply that you can sit to the right of effeminate, characteristically weak homosexuals. However, you don't want to catch what they've got, so just ask for a table change.

Check-Raising A Jew

The Jew' masterful use of deceptive stratagems makes him an excellent poker player. Whether overcharging for a bagel or weaving an insidious plot to conquer 1930s Europe in a Marxist-Zionist international banking conspiracy, The Jew has at his disposal a rich history of duplicitous esurience to aid him in his heretical quest for your chips. His consummate greed must be tempered by check-raises, so that when you check a draw to him, he, cowardly fearing a check-raise, rasps the felt behind you with his long, dirty fingernails.

Bluffing The Mentally Challenged
Artists would have you believe that The Idiot' bumbling visage is character foil for the misinformed arrogance of Proud Nordics such as yourself. Nonsense. Stuttering retards and senile old men make horrible poker players. Because their stupidity makes them unbluffable (as they will certainly call with any decent hand) you must wait for good hands with your divinely imparted European patience. Schizophrenics, however, can be bluffed when they confuse your whispers of "fold"¦fold..." with the voices in their head.

Important 4th Street Concepts Against Negroes
The Negro will often try pushing you off a hand by raising the turn. In fact, because it is in his nature, he will probably raise every street, and only fold when it is clear that his aggressive betting and intrinsic ability to inspire terror in more gentle peoples will not allow him to "steal" the pot. Of course, after the game breaks up, he will be waiting in an alley, brandishing some sort of primitive weapon in an effort to regain by force the money his feeble mind and lack of self-control cost him.

Note: Also, beware The Chinaman, who in an effort to compensate for his diminished physical stature, frequently assumes a poker style similar to that of The Reckless Negro.

Varying Your Bet Size Against The Mythical "Working Poor"
Obviously, there is no such thing as the "working poor." There are, however, people who through some fault of their own (teenage pregnancy, high school truancy, orphanhood) work two jobs at minimum wage and cannot afford both food and Tylenol. Since they are all irresponsible drug addicts, they cash their paychecks at the poker table. This is an exploitable character flaw, as a bluff that might require a $100 bet for non-degenerates can be reduced to $50, because to the social riff-raff known to meddling academics as "the working poor" the difference between $50 and $100 is simply fifty fewer scratch-and-wins at a predominantly Mexican convenience store.

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Bill O'Reilly Teaches You How to Play Poker

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