Are you tormented by crushing loneliness? Then you need to find that special companion that will be waiting for you when you come home each night to provide you with hours of delightful pleasure. That’s right, you need to find your perfect board game. Locate your personality in the below guide to determine your board game soul mate.
I am a wealthy 1920s industrialist
Your perfect board game is
MONOPOLY
It is pretty odd that Monopoly is the one board game that everybody has played, including small children, even though it is based on fairly complicated economic concepts. For example, appreciation of real estate through property development (e.g., building hotels) is an economic idea way beyond the grasp of a small child, let alone something he will enjoy playing.
That is not to mention that most of the references are drawn out of the early 20th Century and haven't been applicable in decades. Buying railroads and waterworks? Putting hotels on Baltic Avenue? Why not just include a Chance card that says you've gone out of business because of the effects of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act? That said, it is pretty damn fun to be the thimble or the hat or the car. That iron fucking blows, though.
I am aroused by letters printed on wood tiles
Your perfect board game is
SCRABBLE
Monopoly may be the game everyone owns, but Scrabble is the game people can get the most passionate about. What is it about placing wooden tiles to make words that gets some people so hyped up? "I get to show my verbal prowess! Whooo! Let's get psyched!"
The game can be fun for non-dorks too but not for the same reason. The pleasure is derived from getting to make up words and see if anyone catches you on it. One time, my brother made up the word "sevenfurs" and really tried to make it fly. I called his ass on it, but that's part of the fun, too. He then used the word "anus." My brother's pretty cool sometimes.
I like sticking things into human bodies
Your perfect board game is
OPERATION
The best thing about Operation is that anybody who has the use of at least one arm can play it. There are no complicated trivia questions or math problems or requirements of physical exertion. No, you just take some tweezers and get to jab violently at the human body. That's just fun.
Also, it very accurately depicts the realities of the world of hospital medicine. Forget that garbage you see on ER about needing CCs of things "stat," all doctors ever do is pull out people's bones with tweezers. And if they touch the side, the patient's nose lights up. And to think they get paid as much as they do. Fucking doctors.
I enjoy awkward physical contact
Your perfect board game is
TWISTER
Less a board game than an excuse to touch the pert asses of co-eds, Twister itself is pretty damn overrated. Yes, I know, you might get to touch some boob, and that's great, but as far as the actual playing of the game, I've never been involved in a session that didn't just end up in some awkward situation where people feel uncomfortable.
I mean, there's almost never a clear winner and more often than not the person you most want to get close to ends up with her face in some other dude's crotch and you just have to sit there, trying to act like it's all cool. Or, worse yet, your face ends up in that dude’s crotch which you discover smells terrible. Why not just get drunk and screw in the car instead? It's just easier that way.
I was once made to play chess on the grounds that my brother played chess, go figure, about 10 minutes into the game i started sacrificing pieces for i could just lose and move onto something less boring, like watching paint dry!
ReplyOne question about the Twister part:
ReplyWouldn't it be worse if the other dude's crotch smelled really, really good?
The last chess program I tried to play only ever played one game against me. It was supposed to be a learning program. Every time after that first match, the computer just forfeited after my first move.
ReplyAnd no one I know IRL even knows how to play the game. The only person I've played who actually knew the game actually gave me a good, fairly quick and enjoyable match. It ended with a stalemate.
The key is to toss out all of those esoteric moves like traps and castling and just play a vanilla chess game with it being clear that you want the game to go more rapidly.
You want to enjoy the thrill of a massive corporate takeover. Your perfect board game is Acquire.
ReplyWow, there was almost humor in this article. I'll make a similar one for video games. "If you enjoy chainsawing Locust in half, play Gears of War!" ...Still not funny? Huh, go figure.
ReplyIn the videogame vein: If you enjoy lots of dying because you aren't good at insanely fast button mashing, or because the random number generator decided not to give you enough health or ammo pickups: Resident Evil 4.
You mentioned chess, but not go...
ReplyWhat the hell is go?
It's a Japanese game where you put take turns putting down one piece at a time on a board and try to surround each other. People will tell you it's more complicated than that, but that's all you really need to know. Also, it's supposed to be the ultimate strategy greatest game ever, according to some people.
There's a certain game for junior detectives that nobody has acknolwedged. I played it with Colonel Mustard in the library with the candle stick. Also, @magickman, Mouse Trap's a b***h aint it?
ReplyI like to begin setting up an awkward and complicated trap system to catch a little silver ball only to find that at least one important piece is missing. Got a game for me?
ReplyWhat I can't stand are chess patzers that take forever and still make a gigantic blunder. Either get good and appreciate taking a while, or play normal amateur level chess under normal time conditions.
ReplyPlay vanilla chess under a 5 minute per round time limit. If the other person doesn't make a move, you automatically take one of their more important pieces. When the rook they had ready to put you into check with is taken away, they'll learn not to take so damn long to make a move.
Also, you haven't played fun chess until you play one of its many variants, such as paintball chess, where your opponent gets to pelt you close range with a loaded paintball gun whenever he takes one of your pieces, with the number of shots based on which piece it was... just so you know, checkmate means emptying the hopper
Reply(for those who don't know, the hopper is the big tub thing on top of the gun that holds the paintballs...)
Another variant is called "if you f**king take my queen I will kick your testicles so hard you will be puking pubes"
I'll let you guess what the rules of that one are...
Anyone who thinks this kind of stuff is fun needs to exit the genepool. Preferably by way of supersonic lead injection...
Or by taking somebody's queen
I read an article about Evony yesterday, and today Cracked is showing Evony ads...
ReplyJust proves that Evony has ninja ads.
They're always watching you...
What in the world is going on down here? vvv
ReplyI'm voting for "Spambot".
buy genetically modified hedgehog feet
Replybuy handfulls of overripe puddingberries
buy barak obama themed lint removers
buy cabbage scented glade plug-ins
Thank you, I will. Just one question though. My local supermarket doesn't stock any genetically modified hedgehog feet. Do you have any suggestions where I might find some?
Hey, Twister is the only way some of us get any.
Reply*sob*