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Are you tormented by crushing loneliness? Then you need to find that special companion that will be waiting for you when you come home each night to provide you with hours of delightful pleasure. That’s right, you need to find your perfect board game. Locate your personality in the below guide to determine your board game soul mate.


I am a wealthy 1920s industrialist


Your perfect board game is

MONOPOLY

It is pretty odd that Monopoly is the one board game that everybody has played, including small children, even though it is based on fairly complicated economic concepts. For example, appreciation of real estate through property development (e.g., building hotels) is an economic idea way beyond the grasp of a small child, let alone something he will enjoy playing.

That is not to mention that most of the references are drawn out of the early 20th Century and haven't been applicable in decades. Buying railroads and waterworks? Putting hotels on Baltic Avenue? Why not just include a Chance card that says you've gone out of business because of the effects of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act? That said, it is pretty damn fun to be the thimble or the hat or the car. That iron fucking blows, though.

 

I am aroused by letters printed on wood tiles


Your perfect board game is 

SCRABBLE

Monopoly may be the game everyone owns, but Scrabble is the game people can get the most passionate about. What is it about placing wooden tiles to make words that gets some people so hyped up? "I get to show my verbal prowess! Whooo! Let's get psyched!"

The game can be fun for non-dorks too but not for the same reason. The pleasure is derived from getting to make up words and see if anyone catches you on it. One time, my brother made up the word "sevenfurs" and really tried to make it fly. I called his ass on it, but that's part of the fun, too. He then used the word "anus." My brother's pretty cool sometimes.

 

I like sticking things into human bodies


Your perfect board game is

OPERATION

The best thing about Operation is that anybody who has the use of at least one arm can play it. There are no complicated trivia questions or math problems or requirements of physical exertion. No, you just take some tweezers and get to jab violently at the human body. That's just fun.

Also, it very accurately depicts the realities of the world of hospital medicine. Forget that garbage you see on ER about needing CCs of things "stat," all doctors ever do is pull out people's bones with tweezers. And if they touch the side, the patient's nose lights up. And to think they get paid as much as they do. Fucking doctors.

 

I enjoy awkward physical contact


Your perfect board game is

TWISTER

Less a board game than an excuse to touch the pert asses of co-eds, Twister itself is pretty damn overrated. Yes, I know, you might get to touch some boob, and that's great, but as far as the actual playing of the game, I've never been involved in a session that didn't just end up in some awkward situation where people feel uncomfortable.

I mean, there's almost never a clear winner and more often than not the person you most want to get close to ends up with her face in some other dude's crotch and you just have to sit there, trying to act like it's all cool. Or, worse yet, your face ends up in that dude’s crotch which you discover smells terrible. Why not just get drunk and screw in the car instead? It's just easier that way.

 


I like hopping wooden chips


Your perfect board game is

CHECKERS

Now, this is a game. There's a definite strategy to it, but it's simple enough that a 7-year-old can play it. It's pretty damn perfect. And don't tell me that you don't just feel like a total badass when you tell your opponent to king you or when you get to jump eight checkers at once. It's just so damn satisfying. And, just in case you feel like you really need to feel refined, you can play Chessters, a game my friend invented, which is just Checkers with Chess pieces. It's great.

 

I am really, really stupid


Your perfect board game is

CHUTES AND LADDERS and CANDY LAND

Hey! Here's an idea for a game! You roll a die, and you move. If you move to the wrong place, you go down a whole bunch of spaces. If you go to the right place, you get to jump ahead. It's got all the mechanics of a real board game, but eliminates anything fun or challenging like trivia or strategy.

Or, better yet, why don't you make a game that's entirely up to chance—based on a card you draw rather than the roll of a die—and then gay it up a whole bunch? Seriously, this game created just about the entirety of Rosie O'Donnell's male fan base. Yeah, I played it. And you know what? I enjoy a frilly mixed drink every now and again. I don't think that's a coincidence.

 

I enjoy being bored


Your perfect board game is

CHESS

You know, chess would be great if people didn't take it so damn seriously. Taking 15 minutes between moves is just fucking ridiculous. I play games so I'm not bored, not so I can be bored while you sit there and try to figure out if you're going to castle up or some shit. Just move your pawn out there and be done with it. Get over yourselves, chess people. Computers are better than you anyway. Just have fun already.

 

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