CRACKED FAQ: The World Cup
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Every four years, sports fans in parts of the world that you probably haven't heard of, and undoubtedly don't care about even if you have, get swept up in a little something known as World Cup mania. In spite of its global popularity, we as Americans are often nonplussed by the soccer tournament — or, as it' more commonly known stateside, "that bullshit that pre-empts real sports." Why is soccer so popular everywhere in the world but here? Is it because athletes in other countries are too poor to afford equipment for actual sports? Too drunk or stupid to know how to use said equipment? A combination of both? Never one to leave an investigative stone unturned, Cracked delves deeply into the matter, casting our investigative gaze on the phenomenon that is soccer. WHAT IS SOCCER? Soccer — also known as "the boring football" — consists of large groups of players kicking a ball, then chasing said ball back and forth on a field for extended periods of time.  The use of hands in the game is strictly forbidden, apart from the goalie. The goalie also spends much less time chasing the ball around the field than the other players, opting instead to stand around his net and await one of the four shots certain to come his way in this interminable â€" er, interminably thrilling — game. For a more North American parallel, imagine a cross between American football and ice hockey, but remove all the scoring, body contact, brisk pacing and everything else that makes watching sports enjoyable. The game' origins are unknown, though some suggest that it started in ancient Rome, where most children were born armless or with flippers or hands lacking opposable thumbs, making kicking things a necessity of life. WHAT IS THE WORLD CUP? For residents of such soccer powerhouses as Suriname, Trinidad, Tobago and Chad, the World Cup is the single most thrilling event in their atrocious lives. For residents of the United States, it' an educational tool whereby they can learn that countries such as Suriname, Trinidad, Tobago and Chad actually exist.  For an added educational kick, residents of the U.S. can learn that such countries can be considered "powerhouses" at something and lament the fact that even shitty countries can beat us at something. HOW IS SOCCER PLAYED? Mostly through kicking and chasing, but there are other valuable skills, such as faking injuries and diving. Expert divers have the uncanny ability to drop like a black-hatted extra in a spaghetti Western whenever anyone comes within three or four feet of them. When someone falls, the other team gets a penalty, which means that they are often left with fewer people to kick and chase the ball.  Matches last for two 45-minute halves, into which the two teams pack enough excitement to fill THREE 45-second thirds. After the full 90 endless minutes, the teams partake in an undisclosed amount of "injury time," which apparently lasts until the referees become too bored to continue and figure they've earned enough overtime pay. WHY IS SOCCER SO POPULAR OVERSEAS? Because they like watching kicking and chasing and grown men falling and crying? Because the fans there are drunk or retarded? The best reason I could find to watch was the players' names. The really good ones have only one name, such as "Ronaldinho," or really funny names like "Kaka." Seriously, what are the odds that a sport with a guy named Kaka could possibly be dull? (Hint: the odds are pretty good.)  I HAVE SOME MILD BRAIN DAMAGE, SO I'VE DECIDED TO WATCH SOCCER ANYWAY. WHAT DO I DO? First, pack into a crowded stadium with 100,000 other hooligans. Then start chanting the soccer song which is as follows: Ohhhh-layyyyy Ohhhh-layyyyy Now repeat that forever. Once the match ends, check to see if your team scored. As a simple rule, if they did, they won 1-0. If not, they lost 1-0. If your team loses, you can choose between setting the stadium on fire, starting a riot that will lead to dozens of trampling deaths or shooting one of the players on your team. If your team wins, it is generally frowned upon to shoot someone on your team but the other two are totally kosher.  SO WHO'S GOING TO WIN THE WORLD CUP? I don't know. Siam? Togo? Belize? Honestly, why are you still reading this? Are you actually a soccer fan? Shouldn't you be off pounding back a lager and screaming at your kids or something? Jesus Christ. |
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funny
Wow. I'm a huge Cracked fan, but this article fails on so many levels.
If the author meant to sound like he just emerged from a coma and watched a "Dukes of Hazzard" marathon while talking to John Madden, then you have succeeded.
If you meant to inform or actually impress that Spanish Girl you were talking about, then you have failed. Hard.
First of all, the USA has a pretty decent soccer team, and quite regularly beats those 3rd World Countries you continue to pretend are good at soccer.
Second, the rules of soccer may sound simple, but so do most American sports. Just look at Basketball, where freakishly tall players jump around in an attempt to put a ball through a hoop. Or Football, where teams of hundreds attempt to get a ball from one end of a field to the other. Also, there's tackling.
Heck, they don't even play for that long. Usually five minutes is the most the average American can watch before being bombarded with advertisement. Even then, we all know it's the cheerleaders that actually get us to tune in.
As for Baseball? That's just beer companies' attempt to bore us until we're willing to pay 5 dollars for a beer.
Anyways, rant over. I greatly enjoy Crack, but this needs a lot of work.
I can't believe that someone can be so ignorant, first:
Trinidad and Tobago play and act as ONE country.
Neither Suriname or Chad have ever been on the World Cup.
Those football powerhouses can barely play football, riots after football matches are rare the same with matches ending 1-0.
Now, I love this site, but take the ignorant hick who wrote this out of here and stop using such stupid stereotypes.
funny how most of the insuts against american football can also be used against rugby. the reason football is popular is this: we grew up on it. not in a brainwshing kida way, but for most boys (in the uk) its the first sport they play. why, because it isnt violent, so you are playing it from like 6, you only really need a ball, so you can just have a kick around in the park. how do you do that with american football? you cant quickly set up a game, cos you need really high posts, and i dont think 6 year olds like tackling eachother like that :D
This was funny even though I'm Scottish and a "soccer" fan, although your knowledge is terrible. None of the countries you mentioned are even vaguely good, in fact the USA team is better than all of them. And games are never 1-0 anymore.
He was just being the stereotypical American, that's why it was funny. Lighten up guys.
Wow this is probably the worst article I've ever read on Cracked. Although don't get me wrong I do love this site but this was just plain retarded. All the writer did was strengthen the image of the stereotypical American who truly knows nothing about sport. No wonder I haven't seen many more articles from this guy, he should be ashamed!!
The last comment being so old no one should respond... However for those who are critical simply because they are easily offended:WTF! grow up! quit crying! It is Cracked. Get it?
How dare you say we footballers have wierd names?
Isn't american football a game that has like 4 seconds play by over dressed guuys followed by a few minutes stoppage and you guys are gonna b***h about Soccer I sound retarded don't I speaking about a sport I never even really watched (MESSAGE!!!)? I loved this site but I have to say I'm pretty unimpressed by this, I don't mind your opinion but even when your being sarcastic you were at least informed, You let yourselves and pretty much anyone from outside of the states down.
I love how upset people get at comedic articles... I love football (soccer), its the greatest sport in the world, but this s**t was funny. Keep up the good work.
AshleyMore people watch the draws for the world cup final stage than your super bowl final man. Dont believe me? Google it up. And thats not even the World Cup. Funny how you American losers think that the real football sucks, when you guys pay tons of monehhh to bring players into your country and play that game. And guess what, these players become celebrities because your female population goes gaga over them. Yes, your wife too. :)
I like this site. but this is just dumb. not even an argument. bad choice Justin.
rnyIt's called 'Thailand' and not 'Siam'. Retard.
Chokdee"Boring football"... at least real football players -that's the name of the game american retards call soccer because they can't remind the little word american in front of football although they like to put in front of all other words- don't need a break every two f*****g seconds because some pansy in his sissy armor ruined some other pansy's s**t that is cladded in sissy armor too by tackling him too hard.
fuDude football is the best sport in US but soccer is the best sport ANYWERE so b4 u slam soccer think out this soccer is pretty much what started football. and in fact that u THINK you know any thing about soccer come back to the world YOU DONT. kk
urgirlof2121Yeah, good dig on the diving that goes on now. America has been good at building up professional sports industries, but even "soccer clubs" in Europe can pay similar salaries and build high-tech stadiums. How much did they pay a washed-up David Beckham to come to America again? At least it's not as boring as watching baseball or waiting for huddles and 7-second running plays. Why do you think they use a shot clock and 3-point line in BBall now? You claim soccer falls short due to lack of body contact, but forget to mention the many cheap shots these days. Football (soccer) is non-stop action, even if slow at times, and indoor soccer is nothing short of human pinball. But honestly, euro club soccer is more interesting than the world cup now.
mojoThis was halarious to read! I'm not saying I hate soccer but I don't like playing it either...yet I'm going to help a friend coach it...interesting **sarcasm** lol
DaddysLilGurl89Yes its all very well and good to mock it....but its a lot more fun than big sweaty men on steroids throwing each other into mud, whilst trying to run from one end of a field to another with a rugby ball.
Kieran, Football (soccer) fanFootball rocks! There have been WARS fought because of football, hows that!
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So what does the USA have to offer? Baseball? Seriously? That's supposed to be entertaining?