CRACKED FAQ: The World Cup
Why is soccer so popular everywhere in the world but here? Is it because athletes in other countries are too poor to afford equipment for actual sports? Too drunk or stupid to know how to use said equipment? A combination of both? Never one to leave an investigative stone unturned, Cracked delves deeply into the matter, casting our investigative gaze on the phenomenon that is soccer.
WHAT IS SOCCER?
Soccer — also known as "the boring football" — consists of large groups of players kicking a ball, then chasing said ball back and forth on a field for extended periods of time.
The use of hands in the game is strictly forbidden, apart from the goalie. The goalie also spends much less time chasing the ball around the field than the other players, opting instead to stand around his net and await one of the four shots certain to come his way in this interminable â€" er, interminably thrilling — game. For a more North American parallel, imagine a cross between American football and ice hockey, but remove all the scoring, body contact, brisk pacing and everything else that makes watching sports enjoyable.
The game' origins are unknown, though some suggest that it started in ancient Rome, where most children were born armless or with flippers or hands lacking opposable thumbs, making kicking things a necessity of life.
WHAT IS THE WORLD CUP?
For residents of such soccer powerhouses as Suriname, Trinidad, Tobago and Chad, the World Cup is the single most thrilling event in their atrocious lives. For residents of the United States, it' an educational tool whereby they can learn that countries such as Suriname, Trinidad, Tobago and Chad actually exist.
For an added educational kick, residents of the U.S. can learn that such countries can be considered "powerhouses" at something and lament the fact that even shitty countries can beat us at something.
HOW IS SOCCER PLAYED?
Mostly through kicking and chasing, but there are other valuable skills, such as faking injuries and diving. Expert divers have the uncanny ability to drop like a black-hatted extra in a spaghetti Western whenever anyone comes within three or four feet of them. When someone falls, the other team gets a penalty, which means that they are often left with fewer people to kick and chase the ball.
Matches last for two 45-minute halves, into which the two teams pack enough excitement to fill THREE 45-second thirds. After the full 90 endless minutes, the teams partake in an undisclosed amount of "injury time," which apparently lasts until the referees become too bored to continue and figure they've earned enough overtime pay.
WHY IS SOCCER SO POPULAR OVERSEAS?
Because they like watching kicking and chasing and grown men falling and crying? Because the fans there are drunk or retarded?
The best reason I could find to watch was the players' names. The really good ones have only one name, such as "Ronaldinho," or really funny names like "Kaka." Seriously, what are the odds that a sport with a guy named Kaka could possibly be dull? (Hint: the odds are pretty good.)
I HAVE SOME MILD BRAIN DAMAGE, SO I'VE DECIDED TO WATCH SOCCER ANYWAY. WHAT DO I DO?
First, pack into a crowded stadium with 100,000 other hooligans. Then start chanting the soccer song which is as follows:
Ohhhh-layyyyy
Ohhhh-layyyyy
Now repeat that forever.
Once the match ends, check to see if your team scored. As a simple rule, if they did, they won 1-0. If not, they lost 1-0. If your team loses, you can choose between setting the stadium on fire, starting a riot that will lead to dozens of trampling deaths or shooting one of the players on your team. If your team wins, it is generally frowned upon to shoot someone on your team but the other two are totally kosher.
SO WHO'S GOING TO WIN THE WORLD CUP?
I don't know. Siam? Togo? Belize? Honestly, why are you still reading this? Are you actually a soccer fan? Shouldn't you be off pounding back a lager and screaming at your kids or something? Jesus Christ.
EPIC FAIL
ReplyI didn't understand that this was a satirical article, so I'm butthurt.
ReplyMerrrr.
"soccer powerhouses as Suriname, Trinidad, Tobago and Chad"
ReplySeriously? I know you don't care for soccer but still, the smallest bit of research would show that these countries are nowhere near "powerhouse" status
lol, hilarious article.
Reply@ R0cketM0nkey
ReplyAmerican Football is a very physically demanding sport so they have to wear 20 pounds of padding? I guess you've never watched Australian footy then. They can take on sissy's like your football players WITHOUT the padding. That is NRL my friend...
And about the soccer? You people can just keep on complainig that the game is really dull but you can't change the fact that South America is finally better then you at something [Mind you that something is the most popular sport in the world]
Suck on that :)
Gotta love all the people complaining about the sophmoric nature of this "article". In case you all haven't noticed, this IS NOT AN ARTICLE. IT IS A FAQ(Frequently Asked Questions) so us civilized Americans can better understand that crap of a sport you call soccer.
ReplyPlease, it was an opinionated piece of s**t, written by someone who doesn't understand the game in the slightest.
Okay really? This is why the rest of the world thinks that us Americans are stupid and ignorant. (And by the way, please stop generalizing about Americans concerning football. I can't blame you, what with people like this making articles like this, but still, that would be about as accurate as my saying a venus fly-trap hates eating flies. Please and thank you.) Yeah, I'm from the US and FOOTBALL is my FAVORITE sport. Football is the most popular sport in the world, and MUCH more interesting and complex than any of the popular sports in America. I mean really, have you ever even really actually watched a football game? There is plenty of tackling and injuries involved. Football players only have shinguards for protection agains incredibly painful cleats, while AMERICAN FOOTBALL players have what? Twenty POUNDS of padding on? So unless you actually want to take the time to really learn about football and realize that yes, there are plays, complicated passes, tricks, and some players that have more athletic ability in their right big toe than you do in their entire body, I'm sure that we would all appreciate you shutting up about something that you don't know ANYTHING about.
ReplyAnd also, cheeseypeas, I would really appreciate (as I'm sure that women all over the world do as well) if you will digress from insulting womens athletic ability. Women can play the sport just as amazingly as men can, if not better at times. And as I'm sure that roughly half of the football-playing/watching community around the world consists of women, you just insulted the sport that you are trying to defend. So yeah, thanks to both you and the writer of this ignorant, unintelligent article to shutting your mouths.
Who cares what the rest of the world thinks of us. They hate our culture, but they sure as hell don't mind coming over here for the subsidized housing, business loans, and free college tuition. As far as the amount of padding real football players wear, that's because of the combative nature of the sport. Football is very physical and it is hard to score and prevent the other team from scoring. Soccer is a bunch of grown men running around like chickens with their heads cut off until the clock runs out and the game is tied 0-0. Then they decide who the winner is by some boring ass shootout. Whoopty flippin Doo.
Bahaha, American ignorance toward this sport is ridiculous.
This is such an ignorant view, football its a very simple game, but it has evolved a lot, just look at the way Inter Milan beat Barcelona on Champions League.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAnd the World Cup kicks the s**t out off of the Super Bowl, 40 billion (yes billion) people watching the World Cup together, all nations, for 1 month... against 1 billion watching Super Bowl, who you think its right and who's wrong?...40 billion (the rest of the world) or 1 billion Americans?.
I find very stupid-funy that the Baseball, NFL, NHL or NBA champions are called "World Champions" as if the rest of the World cared on that s**t, but the fact we dont care about it, doesn't mean we are going to talk s**t about baseball
It's not ignorant. It's being funny (or trying to (and succeeding)). One common thread throughout most American mockery of soccer (football, whatever) that you may like to take notice of is a subtext of self-mockery. Believe it or not, *most* of us aren't genuinely proud of our general ignorance of the rest of the world.
Also, my personal opinion: The only thing more boring to watch than your Football is American Football.
...jorge, there aren't 40 billion people ALIVE. Theres 7billion.
Elegos you clearly haven't heard of the Intergalactic Cup
1 billion Americans? 40 billion *other* people???
Oh s**t I'm in an alternate reality!
actually, italy, Spain and, most of all brazil r soccer powerhouses...
ReplyI love you cracked but this article is a true insult
Reply1)I'm from Trinidad and Tobago. It is a republic ie one country come on Google could of to
2)umm America is in the 2010 (and was in the 2006) World Cup and they're pretty good ssooooo don't knock the sport so much u got a team in it
3) Football(only north americans say soccer) rules so much harder than any american sport :P
Yeah, Chad and Suriname aren't powerhouses of, um, anything as far as I know... but there are plenty of tiny far-off countries that actually COULD beat the shit out of the USA at soccer, like Senegal, Tunisia, or Slovenia.
ReplyI'd never bet on Chad to beat the USA (or anyone), that's for sure... but put USA up against Cameroon and things should be interesting
anyways, i like soccer, and like making fun of it too. don't take this shit too seriously guys.
So what does the USA have to offer? Baseball? Seriously? That's supposed to be entertaining?
Replyand american football, the sport that takes more time on breaks, commercials and crappy half time display then they do playing.
funny
ReplyWow. I'm a huge Cracked fan, but this article fails on so many levels.
ReplyIf the author meant to sound like he just emerged from a coma and watched a "Dukes of Hazzard" marathon while talking to John Madden, then you have succeeded.
If you meant to inform or actually impress that Spanish Girl you were talking about, then you have failed. Hard.
First of all, the USA has a pretty decent soccer team, and quite regularly beats those 3rd World Countries you continue to pretend are good at soccer.
Second, the rules of soccer may sound simple, but so do most American sports. Just look at Basketball, where freakishly tall players jump around in an attempt to put a ball through a hoop. Or Football, where teams of hundreds attempt to get a ball from one end of a field to the other. Also, there's tackling.
Heck, they don't even play for that long. Usually five minutes is the most the average American can watch before being bombarded with advertisement. Even then, we all know it's the chee
I can't believe that someone can be so ignorant, first:
ReplyTrinidad and Tobago play and act as ONE country.
Neither Suriname or Chad have ever been on the World Cup.
Those football powerhouses can barely play football, riots after football matches are rare the same with matches ending 1-0.
Now, I love this site, but take the ignorant hick who wrote this out of here and stop using such stupid stereotypes.
funny how most of the insuts against american football can also be used against rugby. the reason football is popular is this: we grew up on it. not in a brainwshing kida way, but for most boys (in the uk) its the first sport they play. why, because it isnt violent, so you are playing it from like 6, you only really need a ball, so you can just have a kick around in the park. how do you do that with american football? you cant quickly set up a game, cos you need really high posts, and i dont think 6 year olds like tackling eachother like that :D
ReplyThis was funny even though I'm Scottish and a "soccer" fan, although your knowledge is terrible. None of the countries you mentioned are even vaguely good, in fact the USA team is better than all of them. And games are never 1-0 anymore.
ReplyHe was just being the stereotypical American, that's why it was funny. Lighten up guys.
ReplyWow this is probably the worst article I've ever read on Cracked. Although don't get me wrong I do love this site but this was just plain retarded. All the writer did was strengthen the image of the stereotypical American who truly knows nothing about sport. No wonder I haven't seen many more articles from this guy, he should be ashamed!!
ReplyThe last comment being so old no one should respond... However for those who are critical simply because they are easily offended:WTF! grow up! quit crying! It is Cracked. Get it?
Reply