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So You're Being Attacked by C.H.U.D.

By Jay Pinkerton January 1, 2006 8,264 views

Chapter 39 in the Unlikely Attack Scenario Handbook

What are these things, and why are they attacking me?

C.H.U.D.—— short for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers -are homeless people who have been mutated by radioactive waste into flesh-eating maniacs. They were immortalized in the 1984 film C.H.U.D.

The C.H.U.D. are attacking you because you have fallen into an open New York City manhole, and they long for the taste of your still-living flesh. It is like chocolate covered almonds to them.

How do I stop a CHUD?

First of all, we recognize that you're under considerable attack-related stress right now, and grammar concerns are probably not foremost on your mind. However, the editors of this publication ask that you please try to punctuate the term C.H.U.D. It is an acronym.

Additionally, as the D in C.H.U.D. stands for 'dwellers', the term C.H.U.D. should be seen as the plural form.

What' the singular form?

The feature film is unclear on this point, but given that C.H.U.D. hunt in packs, it is plausible to assume there isn't one. You will be always be attacked and killed by multiple C.H.U.D. In the event that you wish to refer to one mutated zombie cannibal vagrant, the editors of this publication recommend keeping the plural form.

Examples
"¢ "One of the C.H.U.D. is leading the attack."
"¢ "Several of the C.H.U.D. are throwing a fun-sounding party."
"¢ "A member of the governing C.H.U.D. body has bitten through my hand."

How do I stop C.H.U.D.?

In the feature film C.H.U.D., a photo journalist, his girlfriend and their hilarious hobo sidekick created a natural gas explosion that proved very effective in destroying the C.H.U.D. If you are in possession of natural gas, book of matches, flame-retardant asbestos suit and hilarious vagrant sidekick, create a natural gas explosion immediately.

I don't have any of those things. Can I try reasoning with the C.H.U.D.?

No. Keep in mind that C.H.U.D. are zombie cannibal vagrants, not zombie cannibal people. Homeless men with gross mental instabilities who scream about Jesus on street corners and urinate in their own pants aren't the best candidates for a free exchange of ideas under normal circumstances. While it is possible that irradiating vagrants with toxic waste will mutate them into great conversationalists, it is more likely the toxic waste will endow them with cannibalistic traits over debating skills.

I keep seeing people' heads looking down at me through the open manhole, but no one' helping. Why?

The first mistake of any C.H.U.D. victim is in mistaking people' amused curiosity for genuine concern. It often helps to put yourself in someone else' shoes. What if you weren't being attacked in a sewer? What if you were merely bored?

Are these bats deadly or just a nuisance?

We're going to have to ask that you focus on your C.H.U.D. attack and forget about the bats for the moment. As we have mentioned elsewhere in this publication, keeping focus is the first step to resolving any problem (See Chapter 14: So You've Been Pushed Naked Out of a Plane).

To briefly answer your question, it' plausible that the bats are deadly. Luckily, however, sewer bats are scavengers. It is unlikely they will attack until the C.H.U.D. attack first.

The C.H.U.D. seem to be attacking.

The bats will most likely attack now as well, then.

OTHER CHAPTERS IN THE UNLIKELY ATTACK SCENARIO HANDBOOK

Chapter 14: So You've Been Pushed Naked Out of a Plane

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10 Comments

*Peers inside furtively* Hello? Did somebody call for a fat man and a comedic vagrant? I can substitute for both, as a moderately unfit man and vaguely entertaining ninja? (The anti-thesis of the common Pirate, which is a stones-throw from Swashbuckler, commonly thought to be vagrants.)

2/23/2009 10:43:01 PM

Aderas

This was great, but for some reason the link to chapter fourteen doesn't OH HOT HOLY DAMN THERE'S STILL ONE LEFT AND IT'S GOT MY GRANDMA TRAPPED IN THE ATTIC! SOMEONE GET ME A FAT MAN, BEANS, MATCHES, AND A COMEDIC VAGRANT SIDEKICK!!

9/26/2008 3:25:34 PM

Tartra

Haha, they got you guys, hey wait a minute I thought I closed that door, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, okay they havnt noticed me yet, I wonder.....*mutated scream*....my theorie is correct, they do have balls, OH s**t HE HAS FRIENDS ARGGGGGG THEY GOT MY SOCKS.... DIE DIE DIE, i think i killed them,

7/24/2008 4:08:50 AM

Duncan

7/24/2008 4:08:31 AM

Duncan

7/24/2008 4:08:17 AM

Duncan

Pretty cool article. I just wonder if - OH SWEET MOTHER OF f**k! WHY ARE THESE CORPSES... AAAGHHHGGH THEY'RE SUCKING OUT MY EYEBALLS!!! SOMEBODY HELP!

7/5/2008 2:58:09 AM

hempographer

Hey, heard screaming and... *throws up on three corpses* OH GOD! *sob* OH GOD WHAT KIND OF SICK *throws up again, repeatedly*

6/14/2008 11:18:32 PM

RazrWng

Hey, guys what's going on in this thre- OH SWEET JESUS f**k MY EYE CHRIST IT 'S EATING MY FACE WHY!? ARGHRGHAAHAGHRGHABLARBLE!

6/2/2008 9:29:46 PM

Nktalloth

I'll save you!!!!! Oh wait wait get away from me!.......ahhhhhhh! THEY GOT MY f*****g LEGS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

3/27/2008 6:22:41 PM

held094

Great, I really liked this. I've always feared the homeless.

Oh, wait, what's that noise- OH SWEET DEAR MONKEY CHRIST THEY'RE COMING FOR ME!

1/20/2008 1:26:52 AM

Nave_Ninja

So You're Being Attacked by C.H.U.D.

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