CRACKED FAQ:
The Chronicles of Narnia

What is it?

The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe is the first in a series of fantasy novels called The Chronicles of Narnia , by C.S. Lewis. In it, four children named Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy are transported through a magical closet to the magical world of Narnia, a land of talking animals ruled by a lion named Aslan. The children join forces with Aslan to defeat an evil White Witch.

Wow, that sounds awesome! Is it any good?

Ha, ha, ha! Of course not. The books are over 50 years old. If you haven't heard about it before now, there's a probably a good reason. It's not like Lord of the Rings flew under people's radar for 50 years -- it's one of the bestselling book series on the planet. The Chronicles of Narnia is essentially Lord of the Rings for kids with religious parents who won't let them read good books. It's only even being made into a movie because its producers are hoping every filmgoer who got hooked on watching a Rings movie over the last three years will squint hard at the screen and mistake the kids for hobbits.

Chronicles of Narnia is like Lord of the Rings methadone. Fuck Narnia.

Um. That seemed a little harsh.

Yeah, maybe. I don't know, I'm having some problems with my girlfriend right now and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I'm a complete wreck, I don't know how I'm going to make rent this month, and now I'm supposed to sit down and write some article outlining the plot of a goddamn kid's movie. Four kids jump through a closet to Talking Lion Land and eat some porridge, alright? They have archery contests and eat honey, It's a magical fucking paradise, take your kids.

Have you even seen the movie?

Would you get off my back? Why are you even asking me about all this? Is your backbone this tiny, you actually need to go online and read about a movie before you go see it? What is this, a NASA launch? Are you researching a second mortgage on your home? It's a two hour time investment to see a kid's film with its plot in the fucking title. Go or don't. Go drink a bag of paint for all I care.

It's just that I heard it was some kind of Christian allegory. Is Jesus in it or something?

No, Jesus isn't in The Chronicles of Narnia. Narnia is a fairy tale about four children who befriend a kindly lion and have exciting adventures. Then the kindly lion is revealed to be the King of Kings and the son of an omnipotent deity; is betrayed his disciples and someone called Jadis; and is publicly whipped and tortured in the street before resurrecting himself several days later.

Bottom line: Anyone looking for similarities between Narnia and Christianity is clearly unable to enjoy the simple pleasures of a lion being tortured without spoiling all the fun by reading something into it.

The lion is publicly tortured? That sounds pretty gruesome. Should I take my kids to see it?

The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe is a perfectly fine film to take your children to. Don't let the hard NC-17 rating or rumors of full frontal male nudity scare you off. In addition to witches and lions, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe also boasts wardrobes, which experts agree help promote learning and... you know, bone density in children.

The film also offers powerful, life-affirming lessons in sharing, teamwork and, as mentioned, the brutal, highly visualized thrashing to death of a main character, which is perfect if your child's a bit fruity and you're looking to toughen him up a little.

Lastly, remember that the mauling is presented in such a graphic manner that it leaves nothing to the imagination in terms of animal biology -- this could help convince your child to pursue a career as a veterinarian, which is pretty classy.

I heard that C.S. Lewis was a convicted sex offender. Is this true?

No, C.S. Lew-- wait, seriously? Where'd you hear that?

I think I read it online somewhere.

Wow. Not that I know of. Still, maybe, right?

Yeah, you never know. That guy from Ferris Bueller ended up being a pedophile, right?

Who, Matthew Broderick?

No, the principal.

Ohhhh, right. "BUUUUELLERRRR!"

Yeah! Yeah, that guy.

Holy shit. He's a pedophile?

Yeah, they caught him with all this child pornography.

That is so insane. That guy was in Amadeus.

I know, it's creepy.

Yeah. No, totally, that's -- wow. Anyway, where... what were w...?

Oh. Right. Yeah, don't go see Chronicles of Narnia.

You sure?

Yeah, nah, King Kong's out in a week, save your money.