6 Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed

Sometimes you just need strangers on an Internet comedy site to tell you when to throw in the towel on your unwatchable boondoggle.
6 Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed

There are a thousand things that can go wrong at any moment and torpedo an entire movie production. Sometimes the actor playing Jesus gets struck by lightning, or a nearly mummified Han Solo breaks his leg on an angry door that was surely possessed by the ghost of Greedo. And other times you need strangers on an Internet comedy site to tell you when to throw in the towel on your unwatchable boondoggle.

Jem and the Holograms Is a No-Budget Sausagefest

If you're not familiar with Jem and the Holograms, it's basically Hannah Montana, if Hannah Montana owned a supercomputer that could alter the laws of reality. As with 99 percent of the '80s, it was created by Hasbro as a Saturday morning cartoon.

Also as with 99 percent of the '80s, it was executive produced by cocaine.

The show's protagonist was Jerrica Benton, a woman with the whitest female name since Victoria Serfslapper. Jerrica moonlights as a singer under the eponymous alter ego Jem and is backed by her band the Holograms, none of whom are Tupac, sadly. Together, the Holograms battle their rival band the Misfits, because it's fucking impossible for Glenn Danzig to get along with anyone.

Despite only being on for a few short seasons in the mid-1980s, somebody decided that the cartoon still had a pulse, so Hasbro signed on to make a Jem movie for 2016. The nigh unprecedented move of greenlighting a quasi-superhero-themed movie featuring female protagonists was quickly followed by the completely precedented move of making the production staff entirely male.

Universal Studios

Truly, truly, truly predictable.

On top of being directed and produced by Jon Chu (Step Up 2, G.I. Joe: Retaliation), dong-wielding producers Jason Blum (Paranormal Activity) and pop Svengali Scooter Braun have signed on to inject some much-needed testosterone into the film, and perhaps some found footage of Justin Bieber terrorizing an unusually dense suburban family. But hey, at least they had the courtesy to give Jem's creator, Christy Marx, a ring and politely inform her that they wanted none of her input.

Are we being too cynical? At least they're giving a female-driven movie a legitimate shot, right? That's why Jem will be portrayed by an actress whose most prominent role to date is ... fourth billing in Sharknado? Well, at least they gave the movie a whopping budget of holy shit $5 million, that's it? And filming wrapped in May, after they announced the movie in March? Way to jump in with both feet, Hasbro.

Raging Bull II: Wait, It's Called Bronx Bull

Have you guys heard about the upcoming movies Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud's Revenge and Back With the Wind? No, of course not, because Citizen Kane and Gone With the Wind are cinematic masterpieces, and any crude, money-grubbing attempt to capitalize on them with an unplanned sequel would be an insult to all the hard work that went into making the originals so great. With that, we give you Raging Bull II, aka The Bronx Bull.

Sunset Pictures

You'll always be number two to us.

The original Raging Bull was based on boxer Jake LaMotta's autobiography and followed the rise and fall of his fight career. Since Raging Bull went on to be considered one of the greatest films of all time, LaMotta penned a sequel to his biography, detailing his life post-Raging Bull, which he optioned into a movie. MGM, the owner of the rights to Raging Bull, filed a lawsuit against Sunset Pictures for infringement. Sunset Pictures decided to change the title from Raging Bull II to The Bronx Bull, which seemed to be enough for MGM, who let this crazy train proceed unfettered.

And in case you're wondering, no, Scorsese is not attached to direct this movie based on a book based on a movie based on a book based on LaMotta. That happy honor goes to the director of National Lampoon's Cattle Call.

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Lionsgate Films

"*Ahem* ... that's director and writer."

The New Point Break Lost Its Only Star ... a Month Before Shooting

Despite lacking the all-important throat-ripping-out scene, Point Break still manages to be classic Swayze while at the same time capturing the je ne sais quoi of Keanu Reeves' wood plank method of acting. And although Swayze has since shuffled off this mortal coil, someone at Warner Bros. is evidently convinced that the surfer heist movie genre is coming back in a big way and greenlit a Point Break remake to be released next summer.

Universal Studios

No, we'll get to that franchise later.

The original was released almost entirely on the star power of Swayze (Reeves was still a rookie, fresh off Bill and Ted 2, and Gary Busey was Gary Busey). True to form, the remake is set to be carried on the rippling shoulders of Gerard Butler, who will take up Swayze's mantle, or at least it would have, if Butler hadn't dropped off the project due to "creative differences" (i.e., he actually bothered to read the script).

Focus Features, Columbia Pictures

Keep in mind, he was fine with these creatively.

He's been replaced by Edgar Ramirez, whom you might recognize from that one bit part he had in The Bourne Ultimatum. Shouldering Reeves' character, the estimable Johnny Utah, is Luke Bracey, who most famously spent G.I Joe: Retaliation emoting under Cobra Commander's mask.

Paddington Bear Loses His Voice ... in Post-Production

When it came time to cast the voice of Paddington Bear, the cherished children's character who taught kids it's OK to approach bears if they're dressed like people, Warner Bros. landed on Colin Firth. Or at least they did until the film was actually finished, at which point it was decided that, despite Geoffrey Rush's best attempts to berate him, Firth's voice just wasn't right for Paddington.

Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"So I shat outdoors, ate all that marmalade, and went to all those gay bars in preparation for nothing?"

This explains why, in the Paddington trailer, Paddington only grunts and glowers at the camera with dead eyes. We'd offer up a suggestion, but ever since Portal 2, it's hard to imagine a British animated character voiced by anyone other than Stephen Merchant.

Fast and Furious 7 Sounds Like the Saddest Set Ever

Movies frequently have to overcome obstacles during production; in fact, some of the best movies ever made were plagued with problems from start to finish. But while we commend and lionize those directors who battle through adversity, it seems like "the death of your franchise's lead actor" is a perfectly legitimate reason to call it a day.

To wit, you'd think Paul Walker's untimely death would mean the end of the seventh Fast and Furious installment, but not so. Director James Wan has sallied forth, undeterred, finishing Walker's unfilmed scenes using body doubles, CGI, and even Walker's own brothers.

6 Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed
Jason Kempin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

They should have gone full meta and hired this fellow to fill in.

While studios finishing movies despite the actors being not alive is nothing new, the film has hit a new roadblock: Vin Diesel is apparently hindering production by spending large amounts of time in his trailer. Whether it's merely the loss of his good friend, the shock of seeing Walker replaced like a grotesque, digital marionette, or both, it doesn't bode well for F&F 7: Abu Dhabi Drag.

Jupiter Ascending Is Pushed From July to February

While the trailer for Jupiter Ascending is utterly incomprehensible, it does certainly seem to have some promising elements: pretty visuals, Channing Tatum in eyeliner, and at least a full minute of Sean Bean on screen, alive. Couple that with direction by the Wachowski siblings and a plump $175 million budget, and who doesn't think this movie is going to make a tidy sum?

6 Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed
Warner Bros.

"... Shit."

Warner Bros., that's who. Originally slated for release this month at the height of blockbuster season, they decided -- a month before the film's release -- to push it back to next February. The stated reason is that the special effects shots are incomplete, but there are also rumors that an early screening of the film didn't go well, prompting the Warners -- who saw nine people and a dog buy tickets to their similarly $175 million sci-fi flick Edge of Tomorrow -- to reschedule it for late next winter, when the stiffest competition they can expect are Valentine's Day ensemble romcoms and seasonal affective disorder.

When he isn't digitally inserting himself into Swayze movies, Chris writes for his website, tweets, and hosts a podcast that the FCC described as "unfortunately out of our jurisdiction."

6 Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed

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