5 Upcoming Celebrity Biopics That Look Completely Insane
As the network Lifetime has insisted on learning over and over again during the last few years: Just because you can make a biopic of a beloved celebrity's life, doesn't mean you should. Especially when everyone in the world is begging you not to bother.
Michael Bay Is Doing a Movie About Benghazi
Quick recap: on Sept. 11, 2012, a group of Islamic militants attacked the American embassy in Benghazi, Libya, killing four Americans stationed there. Since then, there has been controversy surrounding the government's handling of the aftermath, whether or not the Obama administration could have done more to prevent it, and, naturally, a whole slew of nuttier-than-squirrel-shit conspiracy theories.
"Benghazi ... Ben ... Uncle Ben ... the White House controls us with rice!"
In spite of whatever Reddit threads or your drunk uncle say about secret backdoor gun dealing, there are legitimate discussions to be had about the incident, and it may be years before we know what did and should have happened. Or you could just watch Michael Bay's next movie.
Long known for his subtle and nuanced filmmaking, Bay is helming a project that will detail the attack from the point of view of a security team tasked with protecting the people in the embassy. Considering that one of the main conspiracies surrounds exactly what orders the security team was given, we can only imagine that Fox News will dedicate another 1,000 segments to the movie and wacky conspiracy theories.
"Actually, it's about ethics in explodey action film journalism."
But hey, Bay's last movie about an American tragedy wasn't terrible, right?
An AC/DC Cover Band Is Making an AC/DC Biopic (Despite AC/DC Begging Them to Stop)
AC/DC's storied history is a mixed bag of terrible hardship and remarkable luck. In 1980, tragedy struck the band when lead singer Bon Scott died after a night of partying. That same year, the band was blessed with finding replacement singer Brian Johnson. What are the odds of two people on Earth being able to sing like that while rocking your mom's '80s perm?
Back in Fab
Scott's "live fast, die young" story seems like an obvious choice for a movie adaptation, which is why Rob Liotti, a singer for an American AC/DC cover band, is set to do just that in spite of tremendous adversity -- namely, the fact that Scott's family and all the actual members of AC/DC want nothing to do with it.
Liotti was inspired by the unauthorized Jimi Hendrix biopic that was released in 2013 without the permission of the Hendrix estate. As a result, they couldn't use any of Hendrix's music (pfft, who needs that?) and went on to make egregious factual errors, such as Hendrix violently beating his girlfriend, despite the fact that his girlfriend says no such incident ever took place.
Nonetheless, Liotti has sallied forth with this Jackie Jormp-Jomp disaster, despite minor roadblocks such as restraining orders forbidding Liotti from contacting pretty much anyone who ever had anything to do with AC/DC. We do have to admire Liotti's persistence, though, considering the drummer of AC/DC was recently charged with hiring a hitman to kill someone who pissed him off, and we look forward to hearing Liotti's rendition of "Limited-Access Road to Hades."
"No yield signs, tonnage limits! Nothing's gonna impede our forward velocity!"
Nick Cannon Is Making a Richard Pryor Movie Out of Spite
Richard Pryor is best known for being one of the greatest and most influential stand-up comics of all time; Nick Cannon is best known for marrying Mariah Carey and as the guy who introduces magicians and dog acts on America's Got Talent. With such striking similarities between them, Cannon naturally thinks he should play Pryor in an upcoming movie.
Yeah, we made the same face.
There are those who disagree, however, such as the upcoming film's director, Lee Daniels, and producer-demigoddess, Oprah Winfrey, who instead went with comedian Mike Epps (who is not to be confused with Omar Epps, who is not to be confused with Mike Tomlin). Mike Epps' filmography is not much more impressive, sporting a pair of Friday sequels and the role of Black Doug in a couple Hangover movies, but the filmmakers have spoken.
Not to be denied, Cannon is proceeding with his own made-for-TV special based on Pryor's life, reportedly trying to sell NBC on the idea by reminding them that he is the host of America's Got Talent, so, you know, he's got a lot of pull around here. But, seriously, if we start letting reality show hosts do things like this, how long until Ryan Seacrest bullies Fox into letting him star in a Robin Williams biopic because oh god he would totally do that.
O.J. Simpson Is Being Played by Cuba Gooding Jr.
O.J. Simpson was a hall-of-fame football player, a successful film actor, and even had a TV pilot in the works starring him as a Navy SEAL, and he could have kept it all if only he would have kicked his habit of murdering people. That is, if he did it, of course. But now we're left with one of the most bizarre court cases in history, replete with a cast of wacky characters and memorable quotes about glove sizes.
Actual court footage.
If you're thinking that seems like a perfect formula for a movie, FX agrees with you. But they have decided to play it straight, producing a dramatic miniseries about the trial instead of parlaying it into My Cousin Vinny 2: And Justice for Yous Guys. Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr., once perpetually relegated to play supporting characters who are more interesting than the leads, is slated to play Juice himself, which makes sense since Gooding has played a football player and a murderer.
Rounding out the cast are American Horror Story star Sarah Paulson, playing prosecutor Marcia Clark, and David Schwimmer portraying defense attorney Robert Kardashian Sr. (that's where you know that name from). Nobody has been confirmed for the role of Johnnie Cochran yet, but the producers are reportedly in talks to get Samuel L. Jackson to play the famous attorney. Yes.
"If the glove don't fucking fit, you fucking acquit, motherfuckers!"
Someone's Making a Romantic Drama About the Obamas
It seems only natural that the first black president of the United States would have a movie made about him. It's a little less obvious that that movie would be released before Obama actually left office. It's downright bizarre that the movie would not be about Obama's life, rise through politics, or election to the presidency but, rather, about his first date with his wife.
"OBAMAS GO ON DATE MERE TWO DECADES BEFORE BENGHAZI" -Fox News
If you didn't know, because why the hell would you, here's the story: the Obamas met while working together at a law firm in Chicago, and their first date that someone has decided to stretch into a whole goddamn movie consisted of visiting the Art Institute of Chicago (which hopefully involved them gawking at paintings at an ever-increasing scale), taking a long walk, seeing Do the Right Thing, getting ice cream, and then kissing on a street corner. All in all, a cute first date that might take up five or six minutes in a normal movie (or two minutes if you're Ted Mosby) -- so is it really worth making a whole feature film about?
Evidently, though, the filmmakers aren't the only ones with the weirdo, borderline fanfic obsession with the Obamas' personal life; a nearby shopping mall actually commissioned a 1.5 ton granite monument commemorating their first kiss, because that's not off-putting and kind of creepy at all.
Rumors that a nearby Hilton is bronzing the sheets the Obamas first had sex on have been neither confirmed nor denied.
When he's not writing Benghazi-Obama erotica, Chris writes for his website and tweets.
Be sure to also check out 12 People of Today as Remembered in Future Biopics.