5 Bizarrely Specific Subgenres of Horror Movies
Horror is the only genre of film that produces unapologetically terrible movies that people willingly go to see. As long as the body count is high and entertaining, we will happily shell out ten bucks to sit through films whose reviews are rated on a scale of varying degrees of personal tragedy as opposed to the traditional one to five stars. However, filmmakers' pursuit of quirky, attention-getting "grabber" titles to make their films stand out amid the sea of bullshit on video store shelves has resulted in some utterly bizarre subgenres of horror that do their very best to defy explanation.
Santa Claus Kills People
For one reason or another, Santa Claus (or a masturbating lunatic dressed as Santa Claus) has decided to scuttle down our chimneys like a sleigh-riding murder goblin and stab us all to death this holiday season, instead of doing the whole "presents and whimsical obesity" thing we've gotten used to. Maybe it's a subtle indictment of the commercialization of Christmas. But probably it's because drunken fraternity sociopaths and/or irony-worshiping hipsters cannot resist renting DVDs that looks like these:
Evidently, a film about a murderous Santa generates so many puns that deciding on a title is like Sophie's Choice.
(Two different movies.)
Presumably horror producers were looking for a way to make a better connection with their audiences, and to be perfectly honest, microwaves, chairs and refrigerators play an infinitely larger role in our day-to-day lives than does any aspect of being a vampire-slaying space marine. So they dreamed up haunted appliances that betray our burrito-reheating trust and boil our faces off with unholy fury, and cursed furniture that tears our hearts out through our assholes while we're rewatching Futurama and/or Firefly for the millionth time on Netflix. Because nothing is more terrifying that having our immobile and antisocial lifestyles invaded by bloodthirsty demons.
The Refrigerator: Evil Never Thaws.
Ghost in the Machine: Two minutes for popcorn, three minutes for murder.
Getting rammed into cranberry jelly by a hellborn Peterbilt or temporarily inconvenienced by a spirit-bound Datsun Cherry seem like fears substantial enough to power a Twilight Zone episode, but maybe not enough to keep people riveted for two hours in a movie theater. After all, the average evil car holds maybe six hours of gas, and after that it turns into an evil raccoon nest/hobo rape cauldron. Still, this hasn't prevented Hollywood (including Steven Spielberg and Stephen King, two guys who genuinely know what they're doing at least 60 percent of the time) from throwing their hats into the "killer car" arena several times over the past 40 years.
Although to be clear, this is awesome.
Strippers Killing Monsters
To be fair, there is absolutely no mystery behind why this genre exists. The Internet is a subdivision of humanity that shares the majority of its Venn diagram space with horror fans, and Big Tits Zombie describes the entire Internet in three words. Throw jiggling strippers into situations where gore-splattering head shots are guaranteed and watch your rental profits skyrocket. Honestly, we're surprised Dead or Alive: Extreme Zombie Island Volleyball isn't a thing yet.
Childbirth is like a splatter movie in and of itself -- babies are bald, grub-footed quasi-humans brought to life in an explosion of blood and screaming. Just give the shrieking little Telly Savalas clones fangs and have them shamble around like naked spiders biting open the necks of sex-crazed teenagers and boom, you've got a horror franchise (and the strongest birth control advertisement in recorded history). Still, the question remains how a 13-inch humanoid with a brittle developing skeleton could overpower grown adults, but we suppose the mystery is part of the terror.