Hillery Alley
·
Every now and again, a company decides to seek marketing ideas from people who have apparently never talked to an actual female. That's the only explanation we can think of for bafflingly misguided pieces of "woman-friendly" advertising like ...
Hoover knew exactly what every woman's idea of fun is when they created an online ad in the form of an interactive game for their new iron. The object of the game? Ironing a dude's clothes before you go out on a date with him, of course. First, you're prompted to pick one of three distinct types of douchebag:
hoover-ironspeed.com
"Can I just use the iron on my skull?"
As your suitor waits patiently by an ironing board, you must help him correctly pick the setting to put the iron on, because you have a vagina so you must know this shit. You also control the iron for him, since he's too busy wagging his finger at you.
hoover-ironspeed.com
"This is also how we will have foreplay."
The shitshow continues until your date is down to his underwear, as music befitting a porno smoothly jangles in the background. If you fail to finish your task within three minutes, you're rewarded with an image of your date shrugging and giving you a "Whelp, now you have to fuck me" look.
hoover-ironspeed.com
In the DLC expansion pack, you have to show him how to fold his laundry.
NZCU Baywide, a New Zealand bank, created a program designed to give financial help to women who have been stuck in a time warp since the 1950s. Their "Loans for Ladies" website is decked out in a headache-inducing teal and bright pink, with cartoon ladies setting society back decades with phrases like, "Cinderella is proof a pair of shoes can change your life."
loansforladies.co.nz
Meanwhile, the other lady is thinking, "That bitch jacked my style."
They even encourage you to apply online by "taking your bra off" and "pouring a glass of pinot," because apparently the unemployed Sex and the City writers have been making ends meet writing bank ads. But nothing on the site, not even the transparently fake testimonials, is as insulting as the part where they expect women to pay a 13.95 percent interest rate for buying shoes and clothes.
loansforladies.co.nz
OK, except maybe this part.
In an internal ad for their new SSD, Samsung shows us how three different people use their computers: a businessman in an office, a savvy gamer dude, and a woman in a kitchen wearing fashion that would be considered modest in an Amish community.
Samsung
We're pretty sure that collar is cutting off her air supply.
The men say they use their computers for work or file-sharing, while the woman adorably adds that she only uses hers for uploading pictures of her family (and probably looking for great deals on credit loans). They are then presented with a screwdriver and told that they can replace the drive themselves, at which point the female seems completely mystified by the alien object in her hand:
Samsung
"Screw-driver? Oh, no, I'm not allowed into the front of the car."
The story has a fairy-tale ending as the woman is somehow able to replace the drive all on her own, a fact which seems to surprise her most of all:
Samsung
"I did it! I need to go lie down now, because my thinking parts are hurting."
She is also excited about how quickly her computer starts up now, so she doesn't have to leave it on while she does chores. Oh, Samsung. You're adorable.
To accompany the launch of the Xbox One and all the insanity that came along with it, Microsoft presented the "We Got Your Back" promotional gimmick -- a form letter intended for a male to give to his significant other, if he wanted her to hit him in the head with a Kinect. We start with whimsically insulting lines like, "I know, I know. You'd rather knit than watch me slay zombies, but hear me out on this."
Microsoft
"On the other hand, if she dumps you you'll have more time for gaming. Win-win."
Other parts of the letter mention you can "Skype with your favorite sister" and remind the recipient of how beautiful she is:
Microsoft
"When was the last time Sony called you pretty? That bastard takes you for granted."
When users pointed out that this was kind of sexist to assume that only males wanted the new console while their wives knitted in disdain, Microsoft replied that you could easily change the highlighted words to make the letter address a dude -- fair enough, so they wanted to insult everyone, we guess, not just women.
Hillery has a Twitter, which you can follow here.
