4 Packages Delivered to the Best Possible Wrong Address
Anybody who's ever dealt with a delivery has had at least one order go awry. Maybe you wanted pepperoni on your pizza and instead got anchovies, or maybe that Fleshlight you sent away for arrived with the fun part tragically sealed up. Mistakes happen, is what we're saying.
But some delivery boo-boos have consequences that can't be fixed by yelling at someone on the phone and getting a refund -- you know, stuff like traumatizing hundreds of kids or accidentally helping fund ISIS. The next time you get your neighbor's phone bill by mistake, be glad it was just that and not something like ...
Summer School Accidentally Sends 100 Porn DVDs to Children
Over the summer, hundreds of students took part in Edinburgh Playhouse's summer stage sessions, learning valuable lessons about stage premise, enunciation, and what the fuck Cats is actually about. In December, the school sent out DVDs that were supposed to contain pictures and video of the kids' experiences and performances there. What the children actually got, however, was less Kinky Boots and more kinky everything. As in, they fucking sent porn to kids -- directly to kids, since the DVDs were specifically addressed to them, not their parents.
"What was the name of the camp again?"
Through the sort of wacky misunderstanding that happens only in gross-out comedies, the production company employed by the playhouse made hundreds of DVD copies of an epic piece of hardcore smut called The Bondage Mistress. And then, because double-checking your work is for losers, they threw the DVDs into cases marked "Edinburgh Playhouse Megamix" and sent them. The staff at the playhouse claim they didn't know they had accidentally sent children a mistress for Christmas until one of their workers sat down to watch his copy of the DVD, two days later. Or at least he told people about it two days later.
He immediately requested some time off to deal with a devastating wrist affliction.
One furious dad called the film "disgusting filth" and "sexual exploitation-type stuff" and said that it was "not just amateur porn -- this is the proper thing. It's unbelievable." This was also the content of his Rotten Tomatoes review, presumably. The playhouse quickly apologized for the snafu, because how the fuck could they not, and have also recalled the DVDs in case any remain that haven't been smashed in a fit of rage or confined to the bedroom in a fit of marriage-building.
German Coffee Company Receives 73 Pounds of Cocaine
Caffeine is a drug, but sometimes, the other shit we put in our coffee can be even more hazardous to our health. Like artificial sweeteners, or mountains of pure uncut cocaine.
The latter damn near happened in Germany. A Berlin coffee company was ready to receive its morning delivery of delicious Brazilian beans, but when workers opened up the packages to begin the best part of waking up, they found an unexpected bonus: a completely unrequested duffel bag overstuffed with 73 pounds of cocaine worth $1.8 million, by the police's estimate. Add a couple of cans of Red Bull and that shipment could legally be classified as a WMD.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Colombia, someone is going, "What the shit did I just snort?"
Authorities don't yet know who slipped Coca-Cola's dirty little secret into the delivery, nor do they know where the offending product was meant to be delivered. They only know that the beans came from Brazil and that inspections at the nearby Bremerhaven port turned up nothing suspicious. So either somebody at the port is pulling a Tony Montana or that place employs the worst inspectors this side of Larry the Cable Guy. Alternatively, maybe the illegal drug industry was feeling generous (it was the season of giving, after all) and intentionally gave away those 73 pounds of love to a random stranger. We may never know the truth.
"It was a thank you gift. Can't make it through Monday cartel meetings without my morning cup."
Man Receives Over $5,000 in Accidental Christmas Deliveries From Amazon
Shipping over 600 million packages a year means that Amazon is naturally going to make a mistake every now and then -- you order one CD because you're old as balls and still buy CDs, and they send you two. Little things like that. Or, you could buy absolutely nothing and they send you thousands of dollars' worth of random shit, like they did for Robert Quinn of South London.
"Uuuugh, now I have to review all this crap?"
And, no, this wasn't like that time you bought something dumb at 3 a.m. and completely forgot about it until it showed up at your door. Quinn hadn't ordered anything from Amazon for some time, but a computer glitch sent 51 returned packages to his home instead of the return depot. Some of the items in Santa's surprise drop-off included a tablet, a baby buggy, a big-screen TV, a PSP, another tablet, a bookcase, an ironing board, yet another goddamn tablet, and even a leaf blower. All in all, Quinn found himself with over $5,000 worth of high-end stuff he hadn't asked for -- all of which he got to keep for free, courtesy of a red-faced Amazon.
Presumably, he told them they needed 50 cents more to apply for free shipping, and they said, "Ehhh, fuck it."
So what's Quinn planning to do with all this stuff? As it turns out, he'll sell most of it right back to Amazon so he can finance his dream of patenting an "electrical cannabis grinder," which ... OK, sorry, but how is that not the headline here? Seriously, site after site after site jumped on this story and no one pursued an elaboration on that part? Screw the baby buggy -- ask this guy about his magical pot machine.
And if you don't, maybe we will. Robert Quinn, if you're reading this, hit us up -- we've been known to conduct an interview from time to time. We can chat pot. Leave your leaf blower at home.
Iraqi Army Pilots Accidentally Give ISIS Food and Ammo
Every time the U.S. wants to leave Iraq, something happens to pull them right back in, like Al Pacino in that movie (Frankie and Johnny). This time, it's the one-two punch of ISIS and the Iraqi military being so bad at fighting them, they're unintentionally helping them.
"Well, if we aim the boxes just right, we might wing a couple of them."
During a recent battle in the province of Anbar, the Iraqi Air Force set out to drop food, drink, and weaponry to its besieged ground troops. Unfortunately, the pilots, confused as fuck, flew to the side of the province controlled by the enemy and gave them fresh noms, throat-parching liquids, and enough ammo to keep them killing for weeks. The actual army got squat, but hey, considering the accuracy of the pilots over there, they should feel lucky they didn't get nukes for breakfast.
"Joke's on them -- the ketchup packets expired last week."
Rather than trying to spin this into something like, "We were trying to kill them ... with kindness," as we'd do in the U.S., Hakim Al-Zamili of the Iraqi parliament publicly threw motherfuckers under the bus by admitting that the poor planning and inexperienced pilots "helped ISIS fighters to kill our soldiers." Hear that, you overworked, stressed-out, scared shitless soldier ants? You suck at your job and are basically murderers. And now everybody knows it. If that isn't motivation to double-check your coordinates next time, we're not sure what is.
Jason keeps typing "cannabis grinder" as "cannibal grinder." Hit him up on Facebook and Twitter to discuss how disturbing (or delicious) that sounds to you.
While you're here, also check out 5 Bizarre Things Only Mailmen Know About Your Neighborhood and 5 Reasons Packages Get Destroyed (Learned Working at UPS).