Despite his genius-level intelligence and impossible techno-wizardry, Batman shows a confusing lack of wisdom and restraint when recruiting allies.

Batman Kidnaps Two Different Robins

Jason Todd is a street kid who steals the tires off of the Batmobile, which historically is a car that has a jet engine and machine guns and can probably fucking fly, but in this particular iteration is a blue Ferrari with no discernible superpowers beyond attracting a lot of goddamn attention.

I HAVE 10 HANO IT TO 'EM-- IT TAKES STONES TO RIP OFF THE BATMANIGY BLIGGY--
DC Comics

Batman was really into his Miami Vice phase at this point.

Batman confronts the wee burgeoning criminal, only to have a tire iron smashed into his chiseled bat-abs.

YOU'RE ONG 1O BIVE WHAT ELSE e THEE ME RAC MV TieC TO ACON FOR wlo SAN5 I TAOK M THIS!
DC Comics

Followed by 36 panels of Batman bat-chucking up blood in a curled heap.

Originally, Batman has Jason placed into an orphanage (which turns out to be a secret training ground for criminals, because the "world's greatest detective" can only do so much investigating on a Saturday). But a recent reboot of the storyline has Alfred stumble into the Batcave to find Jason tied to a chair like a Saw victim:

RIOAROP eee MIOM
DC Comics

WO AR MO NAN HOUD USON 700C t CAUUSHE HM ANO DO TYING 1O STAL yoU NTND 14 000 OR KEEP MM 10RLE LAST NS
DC Comics

"I intend to teach him what it means to steal from the Batman."

No social services, no school for boys -- just the shadowy conscription of a terrified orphan, because Batman apparently learned the wrong lesson from all of those articles about Sierra Leone.

L LIT YOU NOAL N -6 MANTME- MANS UO 04 LANITEIL J YARY yLe INDER oeroNL AON AND ARE tont 10 MUE A Lnt TALK
DC Comics

"... about sandwiches. And justice."

Meanwhile, in All Star Batman and Robin, Dick Grayson is kidnapped by corrupt cops and is rescued by Batman. Unfortunately, Batman's definition of "rescuing" seems to consist of demonstrating to the police his superior proficiency at child abduction and vehicular homicide:

YAA AA Afo he aand NAA eY 4. Hes 0d aed NUIT4 you LANT TO 6: idaered N/T4. KO Thart's goed. Nep yo:a LE OUT oF hier YOu GHON YOU acad AIND VOURE NI/T4
DC Comics

He only hates his supervillains for thinking so small.

Batman then takes Dick back to the Batcave, traps him inside, and forces him to eat rats to stay alive. It's worth mentioning that Dick has only just recently witnessed the death of his parents at this point.

HEY AND YEESH. WHAT DO SAHERE AM T DO ABOUT GUPPOGED TO FO0DP1 4LBBP. AROUND SEALLY MUONSRY HEREP LIKE T 4A/D. BOY. IT'G A BIG CAVE THERE' PLENTY TO E
DC Comics

The Batman does not understand grief counseling.

Ostensibly Batman does all of this to keep Dick safe from the crooked police force, but he throws all that out the window by making him Robin shortly after kidnapping him, because apparently slapping a domino mask on a 12-year-old boy and sending him to fight the Joker was the best way to protect him.

3 Comic Book Moments That Prove Batman is Bad at Hiring
DC Comics

"Yeah, this is way safer than sitting in Wayne Manor making cookies with Alfred."

To be fair, it's not like Batman can just post a listing on Monster.com when he's looking for a new sidekick. But he maybe should consider expanding his hiring process beyond grabbing little kids by the throat and telling them they've just gotten a job they never even applied for.

YOUVE JUST BEEN DRAETED. INTO A WAR
DC Comics

In zero situations is the person saying this to a child not a monster.

Bruce Wayne Makes a Brainwashed Maniac Batman

Jean-Paul Valley is a member of a cult that has been psychologically programming him since childhood to become a world class vigilante murderer.

BASTARD! u. my. 444- NO.
DC Comics

You can't argue with success.

When Bane breaks Batman's back, Bruce Wayne decides that this blazing lunatic is the only person who could possibly fill in for him (and not Robin, who's been his trusted friend and ally for years).

ONYOTALR 81 114 - OUT ThERE BRCE REAL BAD YE4u AND V8 BEEN BLET Wl IT THINKINA WE CLEA N21 ND ROo DOESHE YOu'VE AUFEN THINIKCING SOMONP MO EI ANI Y A6
DC Comics

"Yeah, you're right, Bruce -- Jean-Paul's the only guy you can trust. Thanks for totally not asking me at all, though."

Unsurprisingly, Jean-Paul, the brainwashed slayer of criminals, quickly lets the whole "Batman" thing go completely to his head:

I THOS T mNE FAR THAT YoU RE OT NGTECOF HFO MINEWP MARE T F TTANOE A MONTSOWLL. AND T AOF GPPOSED SONEEP EVE O uTE BPLICE FETURNG yo NLON NOF YR ATTIT
DC Comics

When he's not banning Robin from the Batcave (and subsequently from Gotham itself), Jean-Paul gets into bawling arguments with his invisible mind ghosts and allows fellow human beings to plunge into immolating vats of boiling destruction, which seem to be all over the place in comic books.

LET HIN LIVE ANO HE WILL. ONIN KOILE AGAIN. THE LoO HE GPILA FOREVER 4TAINING YOUR MANDA O YOUR wORK A4SAIN SHOOT YOR BLADES- KOLL HIMY CAST YOUR LINE
DC Comics

you DECIDE H1S EAE AND LEAVE Me ALONE! NO
DC Comics

Why does he scream "Yeah"?

Bruce is completely aware of Jean-Paul's extreme psychological problems, and yet he still tosses him the keys to the Batcave. He might as well have asked Two-Face to be Batman.

Batman Asks Two-Face to Be Batman

Batman decides to take a vacation to rejuvenate his zest for crime fighting, and to take his place as Gotham's daffy overlord, he trains the recently reformed Harvey Dent, aka Two-Face, a brain-damaged mass murderer with the complexion of hamburger meat. Once again, he does this instead of asking Robin.

WELL IuEs THAT AES THE NEXT QUESTION.. WO WILL WATCH GOTHAMZ WELL I WA HOPING THE ANSWER WOULD AB you.
DC Comics

"Please drink alcohol while you consider this decision."

Harvey (with his newly repaired face) is attempting to live a life completely free from the horrible influence of crime, and Batman's response is to throw him directly back into the underworld.

YOUFRE VE O IHAT CLIRED MAKES YoU THIN EVERY TM CRAZ ENOLIGH THAT RELIAINE 16 TO JLIAAD BACK INTO FVEN IF OPNNON TE STEW oe EVL THI4 TME TM ABELIS THA
DC Comics

Batman is a member of the freaking Justice League -- he knows dozens of other superheroes who would've probably been happy to help patrol Gotham while he was away. Instead he asks one of his archenemies to fill in, and guess what happens when the pressure finally gets to Harvey:

PINE TLNNO NITRic ACID THOHEAD AD ATFA HAN OnNE
DC Comics

So which half is Billy Dee Williams and which is Tommy Lee Jones?



Drake Marsh actually thinks Robin is pretty cool. Mock his poor judgment and send him super writing team-up proposals here, or check out his old parody news articles at The Leaky Wiki.

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