To keep my routine fresh, I started writing skits and eventually full-blown storylines. One of my favorites that we did recently was on Valentine's Day, when I had Slappy propose to me. The entire wedding planning process and eventually the wedding itself will be done on camera. Yeah, I've actually picked up a wide range of theatrical skills in my never-ending quest for novelty, from stage special effects to sewing to building props.
Probably the most frustrating one was that damn blood-ejaculating dildo.
... And Then Get Even Weirder
If you didn't know such a thing existed, the ejaculating dildo is a camgirl staple. Everybody has one, but I realized it would be pretty silly for a dummy to ejaculate normal-looking semen (I mean, come on). At that point, I had already been mixing my own fake blood for a long time to use in our duets and skits (obviously), and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world for a murderous dummy to ejaculate fake blood.
The first time I tried it, though, it went so hilarious wrong. First of all, that dildo was a nightmare to attach in the first place -- I tried superglue, duct tape, everything I could think of, but I ended up in tears of frustration that I can't get this stupid dildo to stop falling off my dummy, so that's one problem that no one else has ever had ever. I ended up turning to the Internet to learn how to make a custom strap-on harness for my ventriloquist dummy, because this is just a wonderful time to be alive. Then I had to scramble to change the blood/ejaculate mixture when the dummy failed to orgasm on cue. (You might think that the same mixture will work just as well for a spray of arterial blood as it would for a big spurting load -- not so, my friends. It causes the mechanism to clog.)
"All these people watching ... Baby, I swear this never happens to me ..."
And the act just keeps getting more elaborate -- when it's the middle of the night, I've been drinking, I'm juggling the lighting, the poses, the camera angles, sometimes literally juggling, it gets pretty chaotic. I can't rent an apartment without hardwood floors -- between the makeup and the cum and all manner of goopy things that come splattering out of my act, I'd have to shampoo the carpet on an hourly basis.
And despite all of that, here's the part you're going to find weirdest of all:
As bizarre as it sounds, I've begun to think of Slappy as not only a real person, but my partner. I'm actually finding myself getting cold feet about our upcoming "wedding." One time, when he got lost after a live in-person performance, I was beyond distressed -- as upset as I would be if a loved one disappeared. When he turned up in a bar, I thought to myself, "Oh sure, just get drunk and wander off, that's just great."
Ultimately, though, my work is extremely liberating and cathartic. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit nuts -- you'd have to be, to do this kind of work. As a "straight" camgirl, I couldn't express that side of myself without fear of losing customers, but people expect the weird clown girl to be insane. I can have a crazy episode and people just think it's part of the act. Having this healthy outlet to channel my instability, and this oasis of acceptance that is my audience, has made a tremendous difference in my life. And for that, I am eternally grateful to this wonderful community of sick, sick fucks.
Veronica Chaos performs online every weekend, and you can follow her on Twitter. Amanda Mannen is a dick joke journalist, workshop moderator, and feature contributor here at Cracked, as well as an editor and Twitterer.
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