On My Arse

Real Name:
Member Since:
November 27, 2007

About Me

I'm 50 feet tall and wash cabbage for a living. I possess three testicles. I'm good with furniture, can write my name with a pen and have several warts that look like Abraham Lincoln. (Seriously, though, I only have two testicles. Usually.)

On occasion, I like to go to the fountains downtown and do a little interpretive dance for the onlookers. I've been cited twice for this, but both times it was actually my fault for not paying attention to recent news. Turns out the city was really cracking down on public decency laws at the time, and they were trying to make an example of me. Since then, I've learned that no matter what, if the police tell you to stop what you're doing and come over here (and put some damn clothes on)...DON'T DO IT! Run the other way! The police are not there to ask you for pointers or to compare moves, no matter how curious or limber they might seem. If they want you to come over there, then "there" is not where you want to be. So run like the wind! If you're like me, nobody will try and stop you, because nobody wants to touch a sweaty naked guy. Mostly. At least not one with cops chasing him. Mostly.

Anyhow, I was hoping Cracked would give me maybe a weekly video segment, and that the other readers might come to enjoy (dare I say love?) the image of my glowing face, smiling on the front of my head, while my body pulsed it's way rhythmically into the dark recesses of their minds. Like a bobblehead that bobbles eternally, that image of me would dance on as a vision unto them for all their days, and through all their bouts with insomnia, insanity, and yea, even unto death.

Paints a vivid picture, no? Unfortunately, the Powers That Be at Cracked.com do not share my vision, so I'm afraid you'll just have to wait until youtube lifts their stupid injunction. (I told them they weren't MY ducks, and that I thought their definition of "video evidence" was a bit shaky, and what the hell was their service for, anyway? But I digress.) Once the injunction lifts, you and I can meet virtually, and if you like, we can interpret things into movement. We can interpret them HARD, baby! We can interpret into movement until the wee hours of the morning, if you want. Then, maybe, just maybe, we can meet IRL for some freaky sex (ladies.) Or, maybe you could just "like" my video if, for instance, you're a dude, or if you're a chick who's just not into the whole "freaky sex with strangers" thing. Whatevs, I'm tolerant. Address posted here once "youtube justice" is served...

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