Before I start my day, there’s this little thing I like to do.

When I get up, I hit the shower, first thing. I curl up, naked, into a ball in the bathtub while the shower is running, all steamy hot and the like. I start to go: “dum-dum-dum-DUM-dum…dum-dum-dum-Dum-dum”…just like in Terminator. I slowly get up, and still naked, hold my junk and start quoting Ah-Nold, from the first Terminator movie: “12-gauge auto-loader. .45 long slide, with laser sighting. Uzi nine millimeter. Phased plasma rifle in the 40-watt range.” I then proceed to shadow-dance in the limited confines of my shower, you know, like Kevin Bacon, to an AWESOME imaginary 80s music montage. With that over, the rest of the shower is pretty standard stuff, lather, masturbate, rinse, repeat, you know, the usual.

After my shower, I have a cup of coffee and a nice toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese and I head ‘er out to work.

When I get to the office, people are polite and ask me: “Hey Simon, how’s things” and than I’m all like “Go stuff yourself dick-mouth.”

It’s pretty sweet.

Xbox Live Tag: LeupoldRifleman


You can friend me on Cracked or on FB if you like, but let me know it's because you love craptions and not just because you want to creep me out!

Forgot Password?