Kamikaze Phoenix


Go check out my new thing, Wild Thingdom...

I'm working every day to get Damaged Goods going, and the pieces are coming together. It won't be too much longer before we are online. If you like comedy outside the norm, you will want to check it out when we go online.

If you're wondering about my topics, just be patient and don't worry. I am doing a lot of things at once right now, and every single one of these half finished pages will end up being as elaborate as my first few topics. Now, back to my regularly scheduled profile...


I dislike most of humanity, but I like to stay positive, so I try to keep in mind that war, disease, natural disasters, wild animals, and random accidents tend to kill people off all the time. In addition, sometimes really stupid people find ways to kill themselves off, and not only is that hilarious, but it's the greatest gift of all.

Having more or less been a hermit for many years, I tend to pursue any crazy idea I have (even the ones that take years). I spend most of my time working on various art and writing projects, talking to cats, and chainsmoking. I also talk to guinea pigs and raccoons, though most of the time they only want to talk about food.

I am from the New England area, but I moved to Florida a couple of years ago, when I realized that it was never going to stop snowing in my home state, and I closely compared this information with the fact that I really don't like snow at all. Now I live in a place where it never gets cold, it rains about 8 hours every day, and I like it much better. Instead of tiny roaches who try to get into your house, there are mega-roaches (sometimes as big as your big toe) that just stay the fuck outside. While I'm not afraid of bugs, I am relieved that they WANT to stay outside, or else I would have a serious "Creepshow" situation on my hands, and I don't need that shit.

There are also tiny lizards running all over my house, and after confirming their existence with multiple sources, I am forced to admit that they are not hallucinations.

I used to have more important things to do, but I threw rocks at them until they went away. I might start some other writing projects again soon too, but it kind of depends on how much I have already bitten off, and how much I have chewed. I tried to do way too much stuff this year, but goddamn if it wasn't awesome. And I did most of it, and that was awesome too. Most days, I can hardly even believe I'm 40. Yep, I'm old enough to be your dad. You know what? I probably am your dad. I don't even know why you kids are still awake and reading this. Go the fuck to bed, you brats.

I know how you people are. You don't want to know the truth, you want to know what is made up. In accordance with your interests, here's the really important things about me:

I am a fallen god, doomed to mortality after playing too many tricks on the other gods and goddesses. I used to stand right in Odin's blind spot for hours and scare him by suddenly talking; I would play "got your nose" with Osiris (boy did he hate that), and one time I gave Kali a set of seven gloves for a birthday present. I also tricked Dionysus into having sex with a goat when he was extremely drunk (and Pan beat my ass, because it was his girlfriend). When Jesus was being crucified, I came by with an ostrich feather, and tickled him until he peed (his disciples almost kicked the shit out of me in revenge, but I walked to the bazaar, bought a new loincloth, and changed him, so they let me go with a warning, and I never did it again).

Now I exist in the land of PWoT, stealing fire from firemen (they aren't even using it, they're just pouring water on it like a bunch of idiots), and bringing jokes to the internet dwellers. Every day, the gods send disgruntled janitors and confused stalkers to peck at my liver, but my doctor said it is growing back a little bit. He even said I might not die. Sometimes the friendly mods sneak me a little food to help keep my strength up.

It is the same as many tales told before, and many that will be told again. I am just a speck lost in the pages of history. I will only be remembered as the lowly man who made the last good Soviet Union joke there was..."In Soviet Fight Club, things you own end up owning YOU." After that, humans never will never make another good soviet joke like that. Maybe one day we will be visited by martians who tell us new jokes like "Back on Mars, wiggly mush on dining platter eats you!", and we will totally get them and laugh. Who knows?

Sometimes I write a lot.

...Also, when I registered, I didn't check that box saying I was awesome. Did I need to do that? I honestly wasn't sure if I was awesome. However, I will submit myself to whatever test of awesomeness your people judge by. Do I get to hit people with a hammer?

(Some people don't think I'm awesome, but later when they really think things through, they are just going to feel foolish.)

Did you read this far?

Either you are stalking me, in which case I recommend you send me coffee and cigarettes to flatter me and win me over; or else you are amused by the continuous stream of malfunctions my brain is capable of producing, and you admire my ability to express the end results of this process so well.

If that's the case, then you probably want to know that I'm starting a comedy site soon. Besides a lot of my own family-friendly mainstream work (murder, drug, and abortion jokes are totally in this category, right?), you'll also find a diverse offering of known and unknown comedic talents there.

If you also write comedy, make cartoons, do funny videos, (or other stuff) and want to contribute something, let me know. You can PM me here, or write to me at " BanzaiSurprise@gmail.com ".

If you have anything good, I'll publish it. You'll get exposure, and if enough people like it, you'll also get paid a little money. (Not much, but hey, it's real money).

Also, until the site is up, I have made a random Pu-Pu Platter of chewy comedy nuggets for you. At first I thought about just taking a regular dump, but then I realized it really wouldn't send the right message, or give the world an especially accurate idea of my abilities.

So, it's just a bunch of writing instead, with some pictures. Here... You have some. You like.


Employees even wash hands. Very classy.

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