It all started in the fall of 1986 when I was born to a humble couple living in a single room under a single tree on a single acre lot in a single-stoplight town. To two people who would later become single-parents. Five years passed. Then I went to kindergardten and some other stuff happened. I was friends with a kid who had a really big head and thick, thick glasses. We read National Geographics during reading time. His name was Ben and his Grandpa was a blind magician. Several more years passed and I became the age someone is when they enter the sixth grade. I had recently moved to West Jordan with my no longer single mother, her new husband and my sister and baby brother. I entered a curiously multi-ethnic classroom with a teacher who pronounced salsa, "saalza." There I met people who i didn't much like at the time, but who would later become my best friends. Then a couple more years passed. Middle. School. Was. Pretty. Awful. Then I went to high school, where I met pretty much everyone I know now.
So lots of stuff happened, I dated some girl for a while. Her dad was HUGE. She turned out to be not very nice and told me if I didn't kill a bunch of puppies she'd kill my family or something...I wasn't paying that close attention. But anyway, we broke up. After attending my family's funerals I was ready to move on. I met this other girl who was WAY better looking than the first one, but she got all bent out of shape because I DID kill puppies. Girls are so confusing. Anyway, she turned out to be a vampire...I mean a vegan. And she didn't like me any more. Then I graduated, got a job at an answering service and now I live in Draper where I eat a lot of burritos.

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