Unhinged Retro Ads That Could Never Sell Today

Was marketing a thing then?
Unhinged Retro Ads That Could Never Sell Today
Add Cracked to Google

The art of advertising is not for everyone, because many things can go wrong for a number of reasons. You might not know your audience very well, or you might not have all the information you need to promote a specific product. That would drive you to make an ad you'll regret almost instantly, like it happened for so many people over the decades.

A good ad can convince you to buy a product, and a great ad can create a new need for you out of thin air. Bad advertisement has the opposite effect, and it can be devastating for a brand if it can't identify what exactly went wrong. And this happened a lot back in the day.

They say there's no such thing as bad publicity, right? Well, there are definitely ads that didn't age very well, and we're here to take a look at them and laugh out loud.

 

Virtual On

GETIT ON! TAKE CONTROL OF MULTI-DIMENSIONAL, THE THE VIRTUARDID, HIGH-SPEED ROBOT OF DESTRUCTION SEGA Sega Enterprises, Inc. (USA) 255 Shoreline Drive, Suite 400 Redwood City, CA 94065 * (415) 802-3100 . Fax (415) 802-3120

Mixing live-action with CGI sounded great back then, but it wasn't quite there.

Tab

Stay Bild in his mind TaB TaB When you can't be with him, be in his mind. Have a shape he can't forget. Tab can help. It's sugar-free and it tastes Seam better than any diet cola because The Coca-Cola Company wouldn't have it FDB any other way. Enjoy Tab, and be a Mindsticker. be a Mindsticker

O…kay?

Teryton 100's

Us Tareyton smokers would rather fight than switch! Tareyton 100s Tareyton Tareyton is better/Charcoal is why 100's school % Empoy Tareyton's activated charcoal delivers a better taste. Tareyton 100's 1 - - A taste no plain white filter can match. CHICA - - 200 Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined Join the unswitchables. That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. King Size 20 mg tar 13 mg nicotine, 100 mm: 19 mg tar 14 mg nicotine, av per cigarette, FTC Report Oct. 74

Somehow worse than the pictures in cigarette packs today.

UmJammer Lammy

ROCK THERE'S IN TOWN A STAR NEW G Um Jammer 1000 LAMMY GODE PlayStation 20 1840 Where Lammy goes, mosh pits follow. She's the guitar-slinging megastar of Um Jammer Lammy, the new rock video game. Problem is, she's late for her big gig with Milk Can, her all-grrrl band. Save the day by jamming to rock, punk, pop and other killer riffs. It's brought to you by the makers of Parappa the Rapper.™ You can even take on another player. Heck, you might even score groupies out of this. EVERYONE E Um Jammer Lammy is a trademark of Sony Computer Entertainment America Inc © 1999

Yes, this is the best way to advertise a rhythm game for kids.

Jell-O

When I'm eating Jell-O I wish I were a rabbit ...because then I could enjoy my favorite vegetables in a glamorous Jell-0 Salad! A Jell-O Salad makes the meal! JELL-O BRAND GELATIN DESSERT LEMON FLAVOR JELL-0 18 A OF CORP Copyright 1964, General Foods Corp.

What an odd statement.

PlayStation 2

PlayStation.2 d DIGI

Sony was pushing the limits with these ones.

I'll Learn Yez SUBSTITUTE Said the Cook to the Clerk- Did n't I tell you never Kollogg's to send me anything but TOASTED Kellogg's when I order TOASTED CORN FLAKES CORN *WON ITS FAVOR THROUGH ITS FLAVOR-CRISP, DELICIOUS FLAKES THE PACKAGE OF THE GENUINE BEARS THIS SIGNATURE Kellog HINE The Kellog TOASTED W CORN K. FLAKE CO., Battle Creek, Mich. g TOASTED CORN FLAKE CO SATTLE CREEK.MICH Canadian Trade Supplied Exclusively by the BATTLE CREZK TOASTED CORN FLAKE CO.,Ltd.,London One Compright 1906 by Toasted Gern Flake Co. Battle Creak Migh

SEGA Sports Games

adidas FOOTBALL BASEBALL SPORT TALL : BAREBALL FOOTBALL JIESIO CLER بي حيم TUXING CLUTCH DE a EFID HITTER SERA BASKETBALL 1000 ROBINSON'S pre GAME GEAR I CYBERBALL - SUPER - VOLLEYBALL en - Butlew - - DE Tournament Golf - 1847 - SOCCER GAME GEAR CHAMPIONSHIP LIBRING ART THE MOMENTS GAVID ROBINSON'S PREM F TAKE HOME A SEGA SPORTS GAME. AND WE'LL SEND YOU A BUNCH OF SWEATY JOCKS. Our Championship Moments vidoo delivers Anything from Joe Montana II Sports Talk Foce- ball to Clutch Hiner,to our new David Robinson's some of the biggest names and most exciting moments in

Why would I want that?

Barkley Shut Up and Jam!

Quit crying about getting hacked, or how your shoes hurt, or how you can't shoot outdoors. Just shut up and jam. BARKLEY JAM! BARKLEY SPORT JAM! GENESIS - ACCOLADE SHUT UP AND JAM! The only basketball game endorsed by Charles Barkley. Get In The Coming soon for the Sega™ Genesis™ and Super Nintendo® Entertainment Systems. Game. Ancalada Inc. 5300 Stevens Creek Blvd. San lose CA 95129 Charles Baddy and an and enjoy Icense by Accotato kr. Stor Up and Lovel на stadework - Accolate Inc ©1993 Accolade, Inc. Licensed y Sega Enterprises, Sega - Genesis are trademarks of Sega Enterprises

Direct message.

Neo-Geo

IF YOU'RE STILL PLAYING SEGA, NEC,OR NINTENDO YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A WEENIE! IF YOU'RE PLAYING THE INCREDIBLY HIGH POWERED NEO-GEO® SYSTEM YOU'RE A REAL HOT DOG! ГИОМ 65% H Tough talk, but think it over. Why mess around with limp, underpowered 16 bit systems when NEO.GEO now offers the hottest, most advanced video entertainment system in the world! Fact. NEO.GEO simply out-muscles those guys with the big names. NEO.GEO features a huge 330 meg hardware setup that delivers robust 15-channel real voice stereo sound. Unmatched graphics with over 65,000 vivid colors of amazing detail! Not to mention effects with 4-dimensional

Are you a Weenie or a Hot Dog?

SEGA Channel

YOUR TOMBSTONE WILL READ GAME OVER. SMITM SEGA CHANNEL TM STOP JUST WATCHING TV

A bit harsh for little kids.

Lucky Tiger hair tonic

LOLA LINDA LOUISE Lucky Tiger gets the gals! (which one do you want)* Gals just naturally go for guys who use Lucky Tiger! The lovelies love you with that Lucky Ti-groomed look. It keeps your hair he-man handsome... naturally good looking, without pat- Lucky None ent leather shine. For greening Lucky Tiger covers your scalp and PREVENTS BRYNISS hair in only 9 seconds! Contains a new grooming agent which keeps your hair perfectly groomed but is not oily or Lucky greasy. Start using it now and look your best always! Tiger BUTCH HAIR WAX Created by Lucky Tiger for the

Yeah… no.

Blockbuster

BLOCKBOSTER VIDAN ROAST A FEW WEENIES TONIGHT. DYing to burn a few buddies on a next RENT ONE VIDEO GAME generation system, but can't decide on which GET ONE one? Before You blow a wa of cash, check FREE! 'em out at Blockbuster Video® first. Rent a Rent one video game, get a second video game rental of equal or lesser value free (excludes equipment rental). Limit one coupon per customer per visit. Free offer must be redeemed at Sony PlayStation TM or Sega Saturnsystem time of paid rental. Not valid with any other offers. All taxes are the responsibility

It was way too common to insult potential customers in video game-related ads.

Spring Mills

PROTECT YOUR ASSETS SPRINGMAID FABRICS قهوة the most interesting sets of One of from Congress. So fit this came questionnaires far. he said, he has been unable to warning to into any previously known cate- group his re- Не sounded a note of saying gory. person young females, however, that any such at least indicated wear searches bruises should girdles before ventur- subject to chest protector two thicknesses of Hifi. A on Capitol in a pinch, he ing also be valuable would -14 added. THE SPRINGS COTTON MILLS 14 ٠٠٠٠ From The Bawl Street Journal During the war, The Springs

This is actually the lightest of this series of ads.

Drano

I could feel his eyes accusing me! G Drano J.H.N.N.Y. He's a man who of Drãno, sprin- doesn't talk very kled down all the drains every much but I could feel his eyes accusing me week, keeps them always open and fast flowing. every time the bathroom drains slowed up. He'd look at me as You can get Drãno at almost much as to say, 'Your fault! any store, anywhere. The And it was. For now I Drackett Chemical Company, know that just a tablespoonful Cincinnati, Ohio. Dräno Drãno CLEANS AND OPENS DRAINS Cleans Draits في Open 12 ...KEEPS THEM

Not sure about the vibe here.

SEGA & JVC

WHERE MONA LISA MEETS THE KID The new X'EYE Multi Entertainment System from JVC plays Sega Genesis™ & Sega CD T,, Compton's Interactive Encyclopedia, Electronic Books, Karaoke CDs, CD+G Graphics, and Music CDs. Only JVC combines entertainment and education in a single machine and gives you Sega CD hit game PRIZE FIGHTER™ Compton's Encyclopedia and our Top Hit Karaoke CD, a $280 value, ABSOLUTELY FREE. The new JVC X'EYE X'EYE Multi Entertainment System plays the Includes world's most popular Sega games, Over $280 In Karaoke and music CDs for hours of family fun, Compton's (plus other Games and educational software to

Kids today would call this cringey AF.

Pizza Hut

THE ORACLE-April 23, 1969, U. of South Florida-7 AFTER THE DANCE. TAKE HER, MEET THE GANG..., OR JUST TAKE YOURSELF ENJOY WHAT'S HAPPENING AT THE PIZZA HUT 3405 E. HILLSBOROUGH PH. 238-1212 8426 N. FLORIDA PH. 935-0512

Not sure about the link between Pizza Hut and Death. Could you explain?

La Touraine Biscuits

BISCUIT BISCUIT Timin A university AU ARNORD P. VERCASSON aC CHOCOLAT 2 Rose and IMP. VERCASSON &C. 43 Rue de Lancry. PARIS LA TOURAINE

What?

SEGA 32x

Mommy, SEGA M Doom what are those two - 32X SEGA machines doing? arcade They're making dear. an ] [ Motocress Championship I L I . 1 A I 1 system, / 1 I - 1 1 ? ? . - ? . /16 15 - SEGA - 5 Virtai Racing I I / I I Got Magazine Present Connic Carrage 35 Great Holes Starting Fred Couples HM - a GENESIS 32X Attaches to your Sega Genesis to bring the 32-BIT GAMING EXPERIENCE home. 32-BIT POWER AND PERFORMANCE 32X - 40 times faster than 16-bit machines. ! Star Wars' Arcada

Rare footage of two gaming consoles doing it.

Campbell's Soup

.......... - SOUP BEEF BROTH CONDENSED Campbell's SOUP-ON-THE-ROCKS AFTER SPORTS New refreshing drink perks you up For Soup-on-the-Rocks helps to replenish the salt and liquid you've lost on the tennis court or golf course Just pour Campbell's Beef Broth straight from the can over ice. It's a nourishing drink, yet low in calories. A refreshing drink that tastes good, too When you come in from active sports, have this modern refresh- ment. You'll like it and feel better for it. Campbell's Beef Broth-M'm! M'm! Good!

Thanks, but no thanks.

Scroll down for the next article

Must Read

VIRAL ON CRACKED

A WEEKLY
NEWSLETTER OF
JOKES + TRIVIA

Forgot Password?