27 Ridiculous Headlines That Make Us Rue the Invention of the Printing Press

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27 Ridiculous Headlines That Make Us Rue the Invention of the Printing Press
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Let’s face it, the news ain’t what it used to be. The bias is real, and it gets harder and harder to know what’s real. But here at Cracked, you can trust that these ridiculous stories are 100 percent true. 

We vetted the holy heck out of them, but honestly, one look at them will make you realize that there’s just no way someone would actually make them up. Here are some of the strangest headlines from around the world…

Build-A-Bear’s Horny Teddy Bears

WEIRD WORLD Build-A-Bear now offers horny teddy bears, if you're into that sort of thing. UPPER LEVEL - - PLACE - DRKS OP PHOTO PORCE You can now get Build-A-Bear After Dark - after all, according to the Build-A-Bear website, Who said stuffed animals were just for the kids? Why should they get to have all the fun? CRACKED.COM

Human Beats Rabbit in Competitive Salad-Eating Contest

WEIRD WORLD A human defeated a giant rabbit in a competitive salad eating event. In fact, she beat not just one, but two giant rabbits - she ate more than three pounds of salad in ten minutes. CRACKED.COM

The Fake Identity That Had Active Warrants on It

WEIRD WORLD A guy tried to use a stolen identity to evade arrest, but the plan kind of backfired. It turned out, his fake identity had active warrants, so he got arrested (and just made his situation worse). CRACKED.COM

The Georgia Cop Dealing Weed on the Job

WEIRD WORLD A cop in Georgia was dealing marijuana while he was on the clock. And he was in uniform, just to make it extra bad - - SO he ended up in jail. CRACKED.COM

The Post Office Workers Eating Hash Brownies on the Job

WEIRD WORLD In the UK, postal staff were filmed eating hash brownies from a parcel. The parcel happened to be unclaimed, but that doesn't change too much - on the video, they were pretty clearly unable to do their jobs, and the Royal Mail is investigating. CRACKED.COM

The Murderer Who Was Caught Because He Wasn’t Wearing A Mask

WEIRD WORLD In Poland, they caught murderer because, uh, he wasn't wearing a mask. He'd been on the run for 20 years, and they finally nabbed him when he got stopped by police for not wearing a mask in a shop (which is mandatory in Poland). CRACKED.COM

The Nerf Guns That Started A Brawl

WEIRD WORLD In Boston, nerf guns led to some serious violence in a bus station. NER 8 Halldoisson 20 A bunch of teenage boys pointed the guns at bus passengers, and eventually shot an elderly man - and a fight broke out, and they were arrested. CRACKED.COM

The Robbers Who Held Up a Bank With a Vial of HIV

WEIRD WORLD In Minneapolis, robbers tried to hold up a bank with a vial of HIV. It's not really clear if there was HIV in the vial, and the FBI is investigating everything. CRACKED.COM

The British Mom Who Found Meth in Her Cereal

WEIRD WORLD One British mom found her morning cereal full of crystal meth. Just before she tried to give the cereal to her kids, she saw that there was a small plastic pouch with white crystals in the box - and it turned out to be, уер, meth. CRACKED.COM

The Lost Floppy Disks of Tokyo PD

WEIRD WORLD Tokyo police have announced that they've lost 2 floppy disks with sensitive data. The data are on 38 public housing applicants - but there's no word why Tokyo police is using an early '90s technology to transfer data. CRACKED.COM

The QAnon Singer Who Forgot the Words to the National Anthem

WEIRD WORLD A singer at a QAnon conference forgot the words to the National VWGIWGA WHERE Anthem. WE GO ONE WiNO ALL It was a conference at the Dealey Plaza in Dallas, Texas, that gathered hundreds of QAnon members, too. CRACKED.COM

The Excel World Championship

WEIRD WORLD The Excel world championship has taken place (sponsored by Microsoft, of course). It involves truly fierce spreadsheet warriors duking it out, and it's going to be broadcast on ESPN3 and YouTube. CRACKED.COM

The 48-Year-Old Woman Who Lived As Her 22-Year-Old Daughter

WEIRD WORLD A 48-year-old woman lived as her 22-year-old daughter, a university student. She did that for two years, and held a job at a library and had boyfriends who seriously thought she was 22 years old. CRACKED.COM

The Man Who Stopped in the Middle of the Road to Eat Chicken Wings

WEIRD WORLD A 67-year-old man stopped in the middle of traffic to eat some chicken wings. Specifically, he stopped in an intersection - and he was somehow unaware that he'd been involved in a collision earlier. CRACKED.COM

Squid Game

WEIRD WORLD South Dakota teachers played a ridiculous, Squid Game-type game. They had to scramble to grab dollar bills, which would go towards funding their classrooms. The game's sponsor apologized afterwards. CRACKED.COM

The MTA Superintendent With A Blow-Up Doll Fetish

WEIRD WORLD A superintendent of the New York's MTA drives around with a blow-up doll. Specifically, he keeps it in the front seat -he says it's just to keep him company, but apparently it's a way to get around a specific law. CRACKED.COM

The Guy Who Stole $23,500 From His Girlfriend Via Eyeball Deception

WEIRD WORLD A guy stole $23,500 from his girlfriend by pulling up her eyelid when she was asleep. Не did that to activate facial recognition on her phone, and it definitely worked - but he eventually got sentenced to 3.5 years in prison for it. CRACKED.COM

The Five-Year-Old Who Took A Car Out for a Joyride

WEIRD WORLD A five-year-old caught driving had the most adorable explanation for doing that. Не told cops that he was just out trying to buy a present for his sister, apparently. CRACKED.COM

Keanu Reeves’ Playboy Bunny Costume

WEIRD WORLD We found out that Keanu Reeves wore Dolly Parton's famous Playboy outfit. It had been designed by Keanu's mom Patricia Taylor - a costume designer - and, when Dolly was done with it, Keanu wore it as a Halloween costume. CRACKED.COM

Edible Hemp Tickets

WEIRD WORLD You can now get on public transport in Berlin with an edible hemp ticket. Well, maybe you can - the tickets are printed in a limited-edition run, and they contain no illegal substances, but the paper they're printed on is coated in hemp oil from the cannabis plant. CRACKED.COM

North Korea’s Ban on Laughter

WEIRD WORLD North Korea banned laughing for 11 days, as a way to mark Dear Leader's death. Specifically, they marked the tenth anniversary of Kim Jong-Il's death - and laughing was entirely off-limits during that time. CRACKED.COM

The Bank Robber Who Deposited the Money Into His Own Account

WEIRD WORLD A bank robber got caught when he tried to deposit the money into his account. - - STANLEY VELKOMMEN TIL I Nordea BOLIGLAN? AVTAL MOTE PA NORDEA.NO CONCR And not just in any way - he tried to do it using the ATM just outside the bank he'd robbed. CRACKED.COM

A Method-Acting Grinch

WEIRD WORLD One mom in the UK hired the Grinch to come and mess up her house, but it backfired. The actor didn't just mess the kids' beds, have a pillow fight and put toilet roll around your Christmas tree, as advertised - he basically trashed her home. CRACKED.COM

Barge Chilling Beach in Vancouver

WEIRD WORLD The city of Vancouver renamed a beach in honor of a barge that's been stuck there. The barge in question had stayed for over a month, so the city put up sign saying Barge Chilling Beach. CRACKED.COM

The Quest to Recover Lost Bitcoin

WEIRD WORLD NASA experts have been hired to try and recover hundreds of millions in Bitcoin. @ R ВП F 20 METALS One Welshman threw away a hard drive that has Bitcoin that's now worth £340 million, so he got data experts from NASA to try and find it. CRACKED.COM

The Runaway Tortoise

WEIRD WORLD An African tortoise walking down a Pennsylvania road led to 911 calls. Apparently, people were afraid the large turtle moving right down the middle of the road could be a snapping turtle. CRACKED.COM

Reindeer Attacking One of Their Own

WEIRD WORLD Reindeer in British Columbia are fiercely attacking poor old Rudolph. Specifically, it's a decoration of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in Fort Nelson, BC - the young bucks nearby keep beating the crap out of it, over and over. CRACKED.COM

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