13 Celebrated Historical Figures Who Would Be Useless In Bed
![13 Celebrated Historical Figures Who Would Be Useless In Bed](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/9/9/905099_320x180.jpg)
Nobody’s good at everything. There are many, many geniuses who can barely catch a ball; exquisite dancers who can’t read for shit. History is laden with incredibly impressive figures who achieved colossal amounts but would be such, such bad lays. Some of them just found the whole idea icky, some felt like they operated on an intellectual level above such base needs and some just never got the chance to get any practice in. :(
It’s always worth remembering that genius takes many forms. There are libraries, museums and galleries filled with the work of people whose talents manifested in tangibly artistic ways, but the names of plenty of people who never touched a paintbrush but banged like a shithouse door have been lost to history. Here are men whose names will live on forever, but who would deliver you an absolutely terrible experience if, say, you were sharing a tent with them in a storm and got all horny.
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Sir Isaac Newton Had Bigger Things on His Mind Than Banging
![The father of modern physics didn't really get the appeal of sex - he was so busy working on optics and gravity (plus spending a weird amount of time feuding with dildo salesmen), that he's thought to have died a virgin. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/1/8/904918.jpg)
Lewis Carroll Would Have His Doors Kicked in These Days
![The author of Alice in Wonderland was an odd dude. Не was somewhere on a spectrum between inactive pedophile and naive asexual fascinated by innocence. Either way, he was far too into drawing very young girls naked. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/1/7/904917.jpg)
Pop Art Legend Andy Warhol Liked to Keep His Distance
![While Andy Warhol was extremely horny, he was more into voyeurism and pleasuring himself while watching other men than physically interacting with them sexually - he did so on occasion but preferred his encounters to be slightly more abstract and distant. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/1/6/904916.jpg)
Dom Pérignon Was Better at Making Wine Than Making People Moan
![: GRANDS VIGNOB ELLERS PRIETE LA MAISON C NDO His name lives on as a byword for luxury and decadence, but as a Benedictine monk, Dom Pérignon led an entirely sexless existence and, if such a situation ever occurred, would nut in a heartbeat. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/1/4/904914.jpg)
Immanuel Kant Was a Thinker, Not a Doer
![The world's most celebrated existentialist spent a long time thinking about sex, concluding that sex within marriage was the only type that didn't degrade humanity. Не never married, having perhaps over-thought things. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/1/3/904913.jpg)
Hans Christian Andersen Would Rather Keep His Hands to Himself
![The fairy tale A-lister was also a huge fan of jerking off, keeping track of his sessions in a diary. Не is thought to have remained chaste his whole life due to religious shame about unfollowed gay urges. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/1/0/904910.jpg)
Antoni Gaudí Was Focused on Concrete Erections
![One of the most innovative, fascinating architects ever, responsible for the world-famous Sagrada Familia, Gaudí was never in any kind of sexual relationship after an unrequited crush, concentrating instead on his work and faith, never quite getting round to it. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/8/904908.jpg)
Friedrich Nietzsche Declared God Dead. Also Dead? Nietzche’s Sex Life
![Giant-mustached philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche was a complicated guy. Не never settled down with anyone - some think because he was struggling with closet gayness, while others think it was because he was fairly unpleasant and nobody wanted to bang him. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/7/904907.jpg)
Jorge Luis Borges Created Magic Realism While Banging Nobody
![The Argentinian literary great's oeuvre is almost all male. His first marriage is thought to have happened exclusively to please his dying mother, and his second was a legal convenience when death was imminent. Great writer, just not horny. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/1/2/904912.jpg)
J.M. Barrie Created Neverland and Neverfucked
![The creator of Peter Pan was fascinated by the idea of eternal childhood, and seemed to never fully develop sexually. Не was described by a friend as having never experienced a stirring in the undergrowth (i.e., a throbbing hard-on). CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/6/904906.jpg)
George Bernard Shaw’s Marriage Didn’t Have a Lot of Sex
![The author of Pygmalion was no stranger to getting down - after a fling that began with losing his virginity on his 29th birthday, his later marriage featured one careful sexual experience. Phwoar. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/9/904909.jpg)
Henry James Wrote ‘The Turn of the Screw’ But Hardly Ever… You Get It
![After a thwarted early relationship with his cousin, the Gothic horror legend spent his later years making endless flirty, jokey, sexy remarks to young men (and sometimes women) while lamenting his celibacy, like a kind of Match Game contestant. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/1/1/904911.jpg)
Ludwig Van Beethoven’s Buds Needed to Take Him Aside and Have a Chat
![Mr. Classical Music was troubled. His hearing went at the height of his career, and he endlessly chased unattainable women - he constantly pursued people, but there's no evidence he ever had sex. Не was also, by middle age, notoriously smelly. CRACKED](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/1/5/904915.jpg)