13 Celebrated Historical Figures Who Would Be Useless In Bed

A big brain doesn't mean you hang brain.
13 Celebrated Historical Figures Who Would Be Useless In Bed

Nobody’s good at everything. There are many, many geniuses who can barely catch a ball; exquisite dancers who can’t read for shit. History is laden with incredibly impressive figures who achieved colossal amounts but would be such, such bad lays. Some of them just found the whole idea icky, some felt like they operated on an intellectual level above such base needs and some just never got the chance to get any practice in. :( 

It’s always worth remembering that genius takes many forms. There are libraries, museums and galleries filled with the work of people whose talents manifested in tangibly artistic ways, but the names of plenty of people who never touched a paintbrush but banged like a shithouse door have been lost to history. Here are men whose names will live on forever, but who would deliver you an absolutely terrible experience if, say, you were sharing a tent with them in a storm and got all horny.

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Sir Isaac Newton Had Bigger Things on His Mind Than Banging

The father of modern physics didn't really get the appeal of sex - he was so busy working on optics and gravity (plus spending a weird amount of time feuding with dildo salesmen), that he's thought to have died a virgin. CRACKED

Source / Space 

Pop Art Legend Andy Warhol Liked to Keep His Distance

While Andy Warhol was extremely horny, he was more into voyeurism and pleasuring himself while watching other men than physically interacting with them sexually - he did so on occasion but preferred his encounters to be slightly more abstract and distant. CRACKED

Source / PBS 

Dom Pérignon Was Better at Making Wine Than Making People Moan

: GRANDS VIGNOB ELLERS PRIETE LA MAISON C NDO His name lives on as a byword for luxury and decadence, but as a Benedictine monk, Dom Pérignon led an entirely sexless existence and, if such a situation ever occurred, would nut in a heartbeat. CRACKED

Source / Wikipedia 

Hans Christian Andersen Would Rather Keep His Hands to Himself

The fairy tale A-lister was also a huge fan of jerking off, keeping track of his sessions in a diary. Не is thought to have remained chaste his whole life due to religious shame about unfollowed gay urges. CRACKED

source / Lit Hub 

Antoni Gaudí Was Focused on Concrete Erections

One of the most innovative, fascinating architects ever, responsible for the world-famous Sagrada Familia, Gaudí was never in any kind of sexual relationship after an unrequited crush, concentrating instead on his work and faith, never quite getting round to it. CRACKED

Source / Dosde 

Friedrich Nietzsche Declared God Dead. Also Dead? Nietzche’s Sex Life

Giant-mustached philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche was a complicated guy. Не never settled down with anyone - some think because he was struggling with closet gayness, while others think it was because he was fairly unpleasant and nobody wanted to bang him. CRACKED

Source / PFC 

Jorge Luis Borges Created Magic Realism While Banging Nobody

The Argentinian literary great's oeuvre is almost all male. His first marriage is thought to have happened exclusively to please his dying mother, and his second was a legal convenience when death was imminent. Great writer, just not horny. CRACKED

Source / Wikipedia  

George Bernard Shaw’s Marriage Didn’t Have a Lot of Sex

The author of Pygmalion was no stranger to getting down - after a fling that began with losing his virginity on his 29th birthday, his later marriage featured one careful sexual experience. Phwoar. CRACKED

Source / Karsh  

Ludwig Van Beethoven’s Buds Needed to Take Him Aside and Have a Chat

Mr. Classical Music was troubled. His hearing went at the height of his career, and he endlessly chased unattainable women - he constantly pursued people, but there's no evidence he ever had sex. Не was also, by middle age, notoriously smelly. CRACKED

Source / Classic FM 

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