Why It Sucks to Be Ant-Man: The Forgotten Avenger
[The scientist HANK PYM, also known as ANT-MAN, the superhero with the ability to shrink to tiny sizes and also communicate with ants, sits beside his phone in his studio apartment.]
They'll call. They HAVE to call. I just need to make sure I'm here, by the phone, and then they'll call, because they need me. They need my skills. They'll call. They called Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and the Hulk. I'm sure I'm next. I'm a founding member of the Avengers, for Christ's sake.
"Hey, Janet? Honey? Nick Fury didn't call while I was in the bathroom earlier, right? Like maybe he called while I was in the bathroom because he wanted me to join the Avengers and save the day but you forgot to tell me? No? OK ... OK."
That's OK, Hank. Know why? Because they'll call. Aliens have been attacking the city all day. It's only a matter of time before they call, I can feel it. I can feel it. Just be patient.
I wonder if the phone's even working.
[Sound of functioning dial tone.]
Nope. Phone works. I guess it must- OH SHIT!
"Janet? Honey? Do we have call waiting? I'm just asking because I picked up the phone to see if it was working, and I'm worried that when I picked it up, maybe Tony Stark was calling at that exact moment, and maybe if he got a busy signal he was like 'Oh, well I guess Ant-Man is busy and doesn't want to help us save the world' so maybe he hung up. Because he got a busy signal. So I'm thinking if we don't have call waiting, then I should probably just call him, right? I should just call Tony Stark and ask if he needs me and ... Oh. We do have call waiting. OK ... OK."
I should really call him anyway. I mean, why wouldn't they need me? I know we're fighting aliens, but surely they could use someone who can get just, like, SUPER fucking tiny, right? And I control all of the ants in the WORLD. When is that NOT useful? Maybe I should just send an army of ants to go mess up Captain America's shit. He wasn't even a founding member, but HE got the call. Bullshit. Maybe some ANTS will ruin his day. How about a hundred ants in your American flag BOOTS, Captain America? How about that? Haha. Yeah. You'd hate that. I wonder if- Oh, shit, a text!
"Janet, babe, stay by the main phone, I'm getting a text on my cell, this is probably it. This is almost DEFINITELY going to be a call from Thor or Captain America asking me to join the Avengers and-"
They'll call. I mean, they probably won't call SAM, the Falcon, but they'll call me. I'm Hank Effing Pym. Co-founder of the Avengers. The Scientist. The Shrinking Man. The Ant-Conversatio- The ... The Guy Who Talks to Ants. Hank Pym! Ant-Man! They could just, like, I could shrink down and they could just stick me on one of Hawkeye's arrows and just totally just shoot me at dudes. We've done that.
I mean, they could do that IF Hawkeye were around. But I don't think they'll use him for this mission. Not really his speed.
I could walk right into Loki's brain and like move shit around or whatever, really rewire his whole brain. Probably. I don't actually know if I can do that.
But I could probably do that.
It's just messed up that they didn't even TELL me the Avengers were assembling. I had to hear about it on the NEWS. And every time a new story broke, whether it's Iron Man fighting Whiplash, or Thor fighting Loki, or Hulk smashing stuff, or that time-traveling Captain Ass-merica jerk, I kept thinking, 'Any minute now they're gonna call on ole Hank. They're gonna want to get Ant-Man in on this action, yessiree.' I know I'm probably not as exciting as some of these other heroes, but I can still, like ... do stuff.
"Hey, Janet, sweetheart, we didn't get any ... any mail, right? Any letters from ... the Hulk? About imminent danger? I mean, I know there's danger, there are alien robots literally everywhere right now, but we didn't get any letters specifically about it, did we? From the Hulk? No? OK. Oooookay."
That was a stupid idea anyway.
Just take your mind off it, Hank. A watched pot never boils. Just put on the TV.
HAWKEYE?! He can't even shrink a little bit! I know he's a founder and everything, but COME ON. Arrows? How did he get the call before me?
I absolutely did NOT type "hero." I definitely fooled the Falcon, though.
I mean, Hawkeye's my boy and everything, but he doesn't even have sleeves. I've seen those aliens take down Iron Man and he's an Iron MAN. Hawkeye's not even wearing a helmet. No sleeves! Ant-Man wears sleeves. Ant-Man wears sleeves ALL DAY. I'm already more protected than Hawkeye. Maybe Hawkeye will die and then they'll call me.
Jesus, that's a dark thought. Push it outta your head, Hank. Push it riiiight outta your head.
"Janet, baby-doll, do we know if Hawkeye has any allergies? Like is he allergic to anything? Poison?"
That's the opposite of pushing it out, Hank! Also, who ISN'T allergic to poison?? Jesus, man, pull yourself together. It's not that bad. Hawkeye's at least KIND of superpowered.
You have got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME.
"Hey, Janet, honeydew, is Black Widow allergic to poison?"
I can't believe they've got Black Widow in there. It's a six-person team and they've got a 120-pound chick whose special power is 'does karate.' At least Hawkeye has powers and was a founding member. And, look, I get it if Fury wants to have a small, elite team, but she is surrounded by giant monsters and a living God and she is LITERALLY HOLDING A TINY PISTOL. That gun can only hold, at most, six bullets. There's a team of superheroes, and she's just a person with a gun, but not the best gun we have.
"Hey, Janet, sweetness, is Black Widow allergic to me walking around inside her brain and just wrecking shit up?"
Ant-Man's gonna tear it up. That's what Ant-Man's gonna do.
For more of Dan's fantasies, check out So You're Locked In a Room With Your Clone: Fight or F#@k? and 5 Great Book Ideas 'The Man' Is Too Scared to Publish.