The 7 Most Terrifying Rejected TV Ads
Speculative ads are commercials which, like mogwai, are momentarily delightful but never intended for general release. Some specs are prepared by ad firms to convince clients their new life insurance mascot should be a woman slathering peanut butter on her knees. Others were forged by the gods to punish humanity for discovering fire. Most, however, are attempts by directors to showcase their talent. All of them are wildly unsafe for most workplaces, because they don't have to please the eleven people at the Parents Television Council bravely taking offense for the rest of us. Put on your waders and lock down your psychosexual neuroses -- we're about to get weird with seven such sexy specs. I'll be reviewing each ad's quality, effectiveness, and eroticism, and in this court only the last one counts for anything. The name's Sex. JUDGE Sex.
I WILL PUT THE LAW INSIDE YOU
Yep, she's a keeper
I'm thinking of the children being all that they could be
Pornography was offended by the commercialism
What would it take to make you not sexy, Alison Brie?
We shall never forget their names, nor stop reminding them it happened
You know something tastes bad when Germans won't swallow it during sex
What ... what does this have to do with technology? Or humanity?
Anyone who tells you they understand Fellini is either a liar or Italian
If I wanted to see a mash of garish colors and off-putting nudity, I'd have sex with Lady Gaga. This ad shatters Rule 34. I can feel the blind spider eggs it laid in my mind hatching. No one who gazes upon its darkness can ever experience arousal again, except for those women who find themselves sprouting thorny erections while their feet turn into crow's talons and their belly buttons recite The Book of Restless Dead backwards.
The Burning Wheel rolls backward through time, sucking all that ever was into its many-tentacled maw. But at least it will erase The Jersey Shore
Lorem ipsum ovo lactum
I was gingerly picking bits of shattered monitor out of my lap after trying to jump in on this sweet action, but the audio kept playing, so now I'm grinding them in deeper. It hurts, but anything to get closer to that hot little number entering at 0:14, ready to go and begging for deep--Woah! Oh God. That egg is a dude. Now it's not erotic at all.But it is still cute and funny, and the least disturbing of the ads we're going to see here today. Use this time to recover, relax, and escape to Brockway's column while you still can.
Guinness: For Strength and Elasticity
Hypnotic. Sex on a table is hot, so sex with a table must be at least 1.14 times as fulfilling as sex with a regular ol' non-tabular woman. If you're converting to metric, that's an astonishing 20 kilo-buckets of sex! No wonder they need a Guinness!
Young people move so fast today. Why can't they enjoy the old traditions like dying in clouds of mustard gas?
Instructive. The gentleman bastard has coaxed forth the nascent bloom of sexuality from many a sylph. It must be done with the purest silver of tongues or by simply attending a UCLA mixer. However, spending money helps. I'm glad this ad acknowledges that pouring a bottle of wine into a woman obliges her to go down on you, because I feel some bros were afraid that was sleazy, which of course it isn't. I'm kidding! Bros don't worry about that at all.
Despite what's on the table (or woman, if you prefer), this intense negotiation has the erotic power of soy bean futures. If you have to beg this much for it, you're not going to enjoy what you get. These kids are college-age. It's a time for experimentation. I say they all stop pretending to laugh and put on some
Fragrant foul
Our hits go up 10,000 views every time we show a picture of Don Draper
Picture that covered in petroleum jelly
In fairness, her new lover is delicious