The 7 Most Hilariously Badass Magazine Covers Ever
Beginning in the '30s and running all the way up until the 1970s, stag magazines were outlets for the frustrated masculinity of men returning from wartime only to find that their new foes were squeaky hinges and their most thrilling conquest was crabgrass. They needed excitement so badly that they didn't care if it was vicarious or insane. And thus entered the stag mags: Their modus operandi was to commission an eye-catching painting first, and then hire a writer to pen a "true story" that synced up with the tantalizing image. But regardless of the veracity of their accounts, one thing was inarguable: There has always been a very fine line between insane badass and aggressive homosexuality; stag magazine covers stood up and said: "Fuck that line."
WEASELS RIPPED MY FLESH
GIVE ME BACK MY ARMThe title of this story says it all. It reads: "GIVE ME BACK MY ARM"All capitals, no punctuation. That statement does not suggest a cry of fear, an exclamation of surprise or a plaintive plea. No, it is a direct, loud, firm command; as one would order a dog to drop errant table-scraps, so is this man ordering a savage river predator to release his limbs or suffer the consequences.And oh, poor thing, it looks to be firmly mid-suffer. But, hey -- don't feel too sorry for the beast, it's like the old saying goes "sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you ... and then your only option is to uppercut your way out from
VAMPIRES RIPPED MY FLESHQ: What time is it? A: Time to
COXSWAIN HARDY AND HIS 20 MAROONED GEISHASPerhaps the most astounding detail of this piece is not the inexplicably dry blouse of the woman in red (dude, it's like, super-hard to draw wet clothes!) nor even the fighter planes in the background bombing the shit out of a completely deserted island, thus implying that they're purposefully targeting those naked Asian clones. No, the most amazing detail of this painting is that not one -- not one -- of those girls is doing any kind of overarm stroke. They're all dog paddling,
THE NUDE TRIBE CAPEREditor: All right, Jimmy, you're up to paint the next cover. I think Kevin and Morris overdosed on that Chinese Testosterone I've been slipping into their coffee. When I came in this morning, I asked what the score was in the Sox game last night and they both choked each other to death on the spot. Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, son: I was up all night drinking motor oil and gin. I'm almost positive I'm going to die, and I am absolutely
GENTLE SLAUGHTER OF THE VIRGIN BRIDE
CANNIBAL CRABS CRAWL TO KILLThere are myriad reasons for a man to be seen beating crabs to death with a piece of driftwood, and they're all as valid as they are awesome: Maybe you're relaxing on the beach when nature responds jealously to your natural musk. Or else you're bored, you have a stick and there's a line at the volleyball courts. Or hell, maybe some shit just went down at a Sizzler. Don't scoff, it happens:Jim: Thanks for taking me out to dinner, Don. Too bad your wife couldn't make it.Don: Ha! The day they allow women in a seafood restaurant is the day I start
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For more from Robert, check out The 8 G.I. Joes Most Frequently Left In the Box and If The Characters from 'Street Fighter 2' Got Hammered.