The 7 Most Hilariously Badass Magazine Covers Ever
Beginning in the '30s and running all the way up until the 1970s, stag magazines were outlets for the frustrated masculinity of men returning from wartime only to find that their new foes were squeaky hinges and their most thrilling conquest was crabgrass. They needed excitement so badly that they didn't care if it was vicarious or insane. And thus entered the stag mags: Their modus operandi was to commission an eye-catching painting first, and then hire a writer to pen a "true story" that synced up with the tantalizing image. But regardless of the veracity of their accounts, one thing was inarguable: There has always been a very fine line between insane badass and aggressive homosexuality; stag magazine covers stood up and said: "Fuck that line."
WEASELS RIPPED MY FLESHOstensibly, the viewer is supposed to take one look at this painting and think, "Jesus, can you imagine being caught in that awful situation? However will that man survive?" That's the intent, anyway. But really look at that picture: What that man is displaying is not fear. That man is not displaying concern, or anxiety, or a will to survive. What he is displaying, very proudly and enthusiastically, is a club made out of the very same animals that are attacking him. The berserker rage has overtaken him so completely that he is actually beating them with their own kind.Now, look at the direction of the water -- there, in the lower right hand corner. See it? The water looks like it's flowing over something doesn't it? What's going on there? A reasonable man might assume the obvious: It's a waterfall, probably located just out of frame, thus adding even more tension to the already dramatic tableau. But this is not artwork for the reasonable man. This is the artwork of the mad and the damned, and it takes a sinful maniac to understand it. So allow me to explain: This man is not the victim of a sudden and unexpected attack. This man has never been a victim in his entire life. This man has simply constructed a sluice system that funnels angry weasels into the shirtless dam of howling fury that he has formed at its terminus. But ... why? Curiosity, of course. Some men climb mountains simply "because they are there." Some men fight a hundred weasels in an aqueduct simply "because I'm pretty sure I could take them."
GIVE ME BACK MY ARMThe title of this story says it all. It reads: "GIVE ME BACK MY ARM"All capitals, no punctuation. That statement does not suggest a cry of fear, an exclamation of surprise or a plaintive plea. No, it is a direct, loud, firm command; as one would order a dog to drop errant table-scraps, so is this man ordering a savage river predator to release his limbs or suffer the consequences.And oh, poor thing, it looks to be firmly mid-suffer. But, hey -- don't feel too sorry for the beast, it's like the old saying goes "sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you ... and then your only option is to uppercut your way out from
VAMPIRES RIPPED MY FLESHQ: What time is it? A: Time to
COXSWAIN HARDY AND HIS 20 MAROONED GEISHASPerhaps the most astounding detail of this piece is not the inexplicably dry blouse of the woman in red (dude, it's like, super-hard to draw wet clothes!) nor even the fighter planes in the background bombing the shit out of a completely deserted island, thus implying that they're purposefully targeting those naked Asian clones. No, the most amazing detail of this painting is that not one -- not one -- of those girls is doing any kind of overarm stroke. They're all dog paddling,
THE NUDE TRIBE CAPEREditor: All right, Jimmy, you're up to paint the next cover. I think Kevin and Morris overdosed on that Chinese Testosterone I've been slipping into their coffee. When I came in this morning, I asked what the score was in the Sox game last night and they both choked each other to death on the spot. Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, son: I was up all night drinking motor oil and gin. I'm almost positive I'm going to die, and I am absolutely
GENTLE SLAUGHTER OF THE VIRGIN BRIDE
CANNIBAL CRABS CRAWL TO KILLThere are myriad reasons for a man to be seen beating crabs to death with a piece of driftwood, and they're all as valid as they are awesome: Maybe you're relaxing on the beach when nature responds jealously to your natural musk. Or else you're bored, you have a stick and there's a line at the volleyball courts. Or hell, maybe some shit just went down at a Sizzler. Don't scoff, it happens:Jim: Thanks for taking me out to dinner, Don. Too bad your wife couldn't make it.Don: Ha! The day they allow women in a seafood restaurant is the day I start
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Google+. Or you could just beat everything with its own kind. That's really the central message here.
For more from Robert, check out The 8 G.I. Joes Most Frequently Left In the Box and If The Characters from 'Street Fighter 2' Got Hammered.