6 Ways ISIS Is Crazier Than You Thought
After Ebola lost all of the sex appeal one can squeeze from a hemorrhagic disease, the media had to find a new sexy devil to make us shit ourselves in fear as we slacked off at work by reading news headlines. The answer was given to us in the form of ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, the low-rent version of al-Qaida that showed up to decapitate anyone and everyone who doesn't want to blow up literally every country on earth -- except for whatever country they happen to be in at that moment -- in an effort to establish their half-assed caliphate and rule the world via an ultra-militant and, let's be honest, fucking idiotic interpretation of Islam. Death to America wasn't good enough for ISIS, they wanted everyone to die -- unless you're willing to sign up and help them out, in which case they offer a competitive wage, benefits, the chance to kill new and interesting people, and the experience of a lifetime ... however short that lifetime will certainly be.
And the people were afraid. ISIS are a pack of shitty-ass shit monsters. They're murderous thugs whose beliefs are respected by no one of any faith. Just how far they will go to prove an extreme and duck-buggering insane belief system is kind of staggering.
In August 2014, after murdering journalist James Foley, the one guy in all of ISIS with an eye to not being universally hated decided to hatch a PR campaign. Realizing that a widespread murder spree of innocent people from any and all faiths would only gain them so much sympathy from the fringes of society, ISIS members started taking selfies with Nutella. Problem solved.
"Hey, do you think it's maybe a bad idea to promote our cause with a product
that has 'nut' in it?" -- question no one dumb enough to join ISIS thought to ask.
We can only guess what top-level political position Charles Manson would hold today if he had the wherewithal to order those murders from behind the safety and welcoming warmth of a layer of chocolate-hazelnut spread. But, as it stands for ISIS, the plan is to make members seem easy to relate to and more likable -- like, "See, when I've had a long day decapitating infidels, Christians, and women who dare show their ankles, I like to relax with a sweet treat just like you!"
Other efforts to be approachable to Europeans and Americans included using Twitter to express their love of Pop-Tarts and the films of Robin Williams. Nothing sets up an international brotherhood of man like a mutual love of Jumanji and, if not a willingness to participate in, at least a laid-back attitude toward removing the heads of literally everyone who is not in your shitty club.
"Oh man, I love the wacky antics of Adam Sandler! It's a shame we'll have to execute him!"
It's not known if this softer side of the ISIS campaign worked to gain sympathy from anyone, in the same way it's not known if the sun will actually rise tomorrow. But, there's a good chance it didn't do jack shit.
In the world of hyper-confused and illogical, fundamentalist, and dipshit terrorism, jazz is not the Great Satan, but it's probably at least a Satisfactory Mammon. As such, when not making headlines for killing, ISIS members gather to burn drums and saxophones in a callous display of anti-music shenanigans that would make Lisa Simpson weep.
They burned keytars too, but no one complained about that.
Photos released by ISIS' media wing, which is likely just some shithead with a Nikon, show dozens of the instruments being burned, while scruffy nerfherders look on, presumably pleased that they will never have to reenact that awesome sax scene from The Lost Boys because those instruments are un-Islamic. Bet you didn't know there were un-Islamic musical instruments. Welp, you do now. Drums and saxophones.
If they allow jam sessions, what's next? Poetry slams?
You may be thinking, "But I've heard lots of Muslim music before, and don't they always use drums?" Well, you're silly for trying to apply logic or reality to this situation. Yes, there are many kinds of Islamic music that includes drums, but not if you're a super-crazy fundamentalist! No drums for you, only the ululating wails of a handful of lonely men in a desert.
In March 2015, a handful of men were shown that ISIS takes all matters seriously and preposterously when they were caught using the idolatrous throne of shittery known as a flush toilet. According to ISIS, the prophet Muhammad apparently scribbled a note somewhere near the back of the Quran -- possibly in the sequel that not a lot of people read -- that using a flush toilet was grounds for a whipping, thanks to how disgustingly Western the watery contraption is. What should a proud member of the beheadingest club in all of the Middle East use when he needs to squirt a little tahini? A squatter!
If you have never left North America, you may be unaware that a large portion of the Middle East, Africa Asia, and even South America and some parts of Europe use squat toilets. What's a squat toilet exactly? Imagine the toilet you have now -- only you remove it. Just the toilet, mind you, as though you literally ripped it off the floor and threw it away. Now, what you have left is a squat toilet, sometimes referred to by scholars as "a shithole" or simply "a hole in the ground in which to plop."
Also known as, "Ugh, dude, I'm wearing flip-flops."
The squat toilet is the choice of all fundamentalist mad men because it allows one to shit in the style of one's ancestors and not like those fat cat Westerners who need to shit in a small pool of water to feel important, with their comfortable seats and toilet paper. Fun tangent, here: They probably don't use toilet paper at any squat toilet you're apt to find; instead, there's a bucket of water and a ladle. You take a ladle of water and, with your other hand, just scrub your filthy asshole clean. They say this is a better way to clean one's ass, and to that I say: Though my ass may be much cleaner, is my left hand not much dirtier than it used to be? Let's leave that one for the philosophers.
If you're a militant group of swamp-ass-licking fucksticks out in a desert setting people ablaze, you need to prioritize your outrage. You have to let some things slide, while making sure other things are strictly prohibited. It's no wonder then that ISIS has taken a stand against mannequins with uncovered faces. I mean, shit, can you imagine? Imagine plastic ladies with uncovered faces lifelessly modeling clothing in windows? Do you know what that leads to? Involuntary, mandatory, and lube-free roadside buttfucking. For everyone. Every time you go outside. It happened in California, so it'll happen here, too.
Frankly, I'm amazed I'm getting away with posting such a brazenly filthy image.
In order to stave off this scourge, the more fashion-conscious members of ISIS have declared all mannequins are to wear veils in keeping with a super strict interpretation of Sharia law. You'll notice all of the things ISIS does tend to fall in the "super-strict interpretation sphere," where, at the one end, everyone is free to relax and kick their feet up. At the other end, you're setting people on fire on a semi-regular basis.
In the interests of fairness, this nutty decree covers all mannequins and not just lady mannequins because thou shalt not suffer a plastic person to look prettier than you. It's in their handbook, "1,001 Crazy Kill Plots For Kids And Kranks." Buy it now!
When researching this article, I found a video of a dude humping a donkey. Now, I know you're probably wondering why would I research this article in my stash of donkey videos? But, for real, there was a story and grainy video released not long ago that alleged to show a member of ISIS out in the field, caught on a drone's camera having sex with a donkey. It's been widely discounted as fake and just propaganda to make the other side look bad, as though they needed help to look bad. But, like that story, I was sure this one was fake. Unlike that story, I couldn't find any evidence claiming this was fake at all. At best, this was only mildly affiliated with ISIS, maybe? Point is, they love kitties.
That cat just finished beheading a half-dozen mice.
In the same bizarre way they use Nutella to try to convince you they're not insane, which is totally what an insane person would do, ISIS turned to cat memes in an effort to normalize and ingratiate themselves into the Western world. They created a Twitter account that literally says, "I can haz Islamic State, plz," and they posted cats with guns. Cats on battlefields. Kitty jihad everywhere! They call them "mewjahid," instead of mujahideen, and your brain is probably melting at this point.
Be careful, or these little guys will declare a catiphate!
Highlights from the Islamic State of Cats Twitter feed includes cats drinking water, cats being tickled, cats posing with guns, and one shot of a cat wearing a sock pretending to be an adorable fundamentalist ninja. It is charming. It is. You see it, and you really just want to forgive them for all of those heads they keep cutting off.
Picture yourself as a busy maniac on the go. You've been hiding inside a cactus for 18 hours straight, waiting for the opportunity to get the drop on anyone who looks like they use a flush toilet or believe in the wizardry called math. Your trigger finger is itchy, and not just because there's poop drying on it -- you want to get to work. But, man, are you hungry. Isn't there a snack out there for you to keep your head in the game, while you try to take other peoples' heads out of the game and put them in your head sack, which clearly you carry with you? And, even if there is, who's going to make it while you're busy hiding in a cactus or a hollowed-out camel?
Hey Snickers, I've got a marketing campaign idea we should talk about.
Brother, you're lucky you joined ISIS because these mad bastards thought of everything, including a handy guidebook of a website for your woman who is obviously at home where she belongs. This site will teach her how to be a proper housewife by offering up some high-quality recipes for how to feed your bug-fuck-insane, on-the-go fanatic!
The website -- which I can't find but many news outlets claim is real, or at least was real at one point -- had step-by-step instructions for making date and millet balls, the perfect snack for in between battles. You know what a better snack for between battles is? Eating a Twinkie on your couch, while you watch Daredevil on Netflix and wait for his next fight, because obviously you're not out in the real world murdering people by setting them on fire and then posting it on YouTube because that's literally the craziest thing a human could ever be doing, with or without a fanny pack full of high-energy date and millet balls.
Although, if I were to pick one group of people most likely to subscribe to insane
fundamentalist beliefs, I would go with fanny-pack wearers.
Anyway, the handy guide for ISIS ladies also encourages ladies to learn female-friendly jobs, such as sewing and first aid ... and also to take up hobbies, such as jogging, so they can keep up with the jihadist man-folk as they run from their lives when the soldiers of any and every sane nation on earth come rolling through.
For more from Felix, check out 4 Cartoon Characters You Won't Believe Are Real People and 4 Mistakes Hollywood Seems To Love Making.
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