‘I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.’
There's no shortage of products out there for the discerning consumer... and then there's all THIS crap. Thanks, Skymall.
Product #5: NoseAid
WHAT IT DOES: "No need to hold the nose. By gently applying pressure to the outside of the nose, NoseAid stops nosebleeds instantly!"WHAT IT COSTS: $24.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: Sure, you're a good parent, but admit it: all that blood coming out of your son's nose is GROSS. You don't want to TOUCH THAT, do you?! Not only is it gnarly, but how is he supposed to learn how to be independent if you're always helping him out? By using NoseAid, not only will you wean your child off relying on "mommy" for help, but you'll also teach him a valuable lesson: Most of life's problems can be solved with a $25 clothespin.
But NoseAid isn't just for noses! Try using it on your own arm to make sure you're not just dreaming about this amazing product (hint: you're not)! Use it to hold a burned-down joint, or to pinch your little sister when she threatens to tell your parents that you're using NoseAid to hold a burned-down joint! With NoseAid, pinching stuff with your fingers is a thing of the past!
Product #4: A Baffling Array Of Lawn Ornaments
WHAT IT DOES: Makes your house look like it's occupied by a complete lunatic. One with fantastic taste in decorating.
WHAT IT COSTS: $50 - $895
WHY YOU NEED IT: Are you sick and tired of animal pests digging up your prizewinning rutabagas and gallivanting about in your backyard? Maybe you need a ceramic sasquatch, 8-foot-tall giraffe, or "muscular god of the sea" to scare them away! Fed up with catching horny teenagers necking behind your tomato plants? Throw St. Francis back there to spoil the mood, or if that doesn't work, these Ten Commandments tablets will have them zipping up and praying for forgiveness in no time!
And for you, the avid gardener and sumo wrestling enthusiast? Did you really think they wouldn't have a product to suit your needs? Think again -
WHAT IT DOES: "... combines the best of ancient traditional Chinese medicine with 21st century space-age technology."WHAT IT COSTS: $249.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: Your chair at work is great and everything, but is it good for you? The Hula Chair provides you with something most office chairs don't: a completely passive workout. WIth its unique combination of ancient Chinese yadda yadda and futuristic space-age whatever, Hula Chair offers GUARANTEED RESULTS. What are they? Nobody knows, exactly, but they're obviously PRETTY GOOD. With all these CAPS, can you really afford NOT to buy it RIGHT NOW?!
Hell - it even makes you look cool
while you're using it.
If that isn't enough to convince you, just think about the ancient Chinese blah-blah-blah and the holistic whoop-dee-doo and all that.
Just buy the fucking chair already.
Product #2: Signed Soup Nazi Photo
WHAT IT DOES: Is "signed by Larry Thomas, the actor who played the infamous character in a 1995 episode of Seinfeld"WHAT IT COSTS: $199.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: You have an "offbeat" sense of humor, and there is no better way of showing it off than by purchasing a signed picture of Larry Thomas (aka "The Soup Nazi") to hang in your office. Put it in a visible place and scream to the world, "I am familiar with a semi-obscure character from one of the most-viewed sitcoms in the history of television!" Eventually, someone with a similar knowledge of basic pop culture trivia will see it on your wall and scream back "NO SOUP FOR YOU!" Then you'll be like, "Yup -
Seinfeld," and they'll be like, "I love that show!" This will make you more popular around your office, which will all but guarantee that big promotion you've been gunning for. Before long you'll be running the place, and people will come into your office and be like "No soup for you... right, sir?" and you'll be like, "You think I have time to sit around quoting Seinfeld
with you, Bill? You're fired - get the fuck out of my office."
All for a measly $199.95.
Product #1: Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier
WHAT IT DOES: "It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations... from 50 feet away."WHAT IT COSTS: $40.00
WHY YOU NEED IT: Because you're deaf, you're a businessman, and you can't afford to not be able to join a conversation from 50 feet away. Let's face it - in this business (the business of being a businessman) a debilitating condition like hearing impairment might as well be a death sentence. If a client has a choice between hiring some deaf old codger like yourself or a slick youngster with 20/20 hearing - one who can join their conversation from 50 feet away - who do you think they're going to choose?
In the end, it all comes down to the image you want to project. You have two choices:
Bluetooth Headset: "I am a very busy businessman. I'm even too busy to hold my phone while I'm using it! Also, don't you think this thing kind of makes me look like Robocop? Admit it - I totally look like Robocop right now."
Hearing Aid: "What? Sorry - I can't hear."
It's your decision: Do you want to look like a deaf old man, or a dashing young half-professional half-Robocop?
What was that? Did somebody say "no-brainer"?
Oh, yeah - SkyMall did!
Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter
Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!