The 5 Most Badass Things Ever Done By Jungle Cats
Allow This Guy to Ride the Tiger LionAskold Zapashny of the Zapashny Brothers Circus in St. Petersburg. It is also a picture of a man riding the single most metal thing a man can ride--short of "the lightning" or a rocket-ship shaped like a guitar--a big damn lion. That is the only vehicle in the world that is certified Grade A, Ronnie James Dio Approved.
“Actually, I said 'ride the tiger'--but fuck it. Dio approved!”It matters little that Askold is dressed like a dominatrix at a renaissance faire up there, or that he has a ponytail so effeminate it took first place in a vagina contest, because this man has not only made a Superpredator his primary mode of transportation, but has even gone so far as to jump said lion-vehicle with reckless abandon like it's a carnivorous General Lee. You try stepping to Askold at a stoplight with your custom chrome-skull embossed chopper, and you might win the race--but only one of your vehicles can eat his opponent for fuel. Advantage: Lion.
Cause a Boy to Marry a Dog
“Sometimes I forget that I don't wear the ring anymore. Sometimes I forget…”Metal is about being a badass, being terrifying and being sexually perverted to a degree that would frighten Alfred Kinsey into a convent. I'm pretty sure that an entire village so terrified of the threat of tigers that they married a child to a dog covers all of those bases nicely. Advantage: Tigers.
Cause a Man to Cover His Eyes Mid-Suicide Attempt
“I would enjoy for that to eat me.”--MetalAdvantage: Tigers.
Withstand Attack by Chainsaw Marine
Warning: Ineffective against lions.Advantage: Lion.
Fucking THISit's actually a real thing. Somebody back in the 1920s thought to themselves, “I find the world lacking in badass, and this trend perturbs me. I will place this enormous predator in an exceedingly fast motor-vehicle and fling it about an enclosed pit with reckless abandon, and the people will pay me for it because I am dangerously insane and may turn on them if not humored in this endeavor. ” And this was the birth of--I shit you not--
"HOLY SHIT I AM A LION AND I AM ALMOST LEARNING TO DRIVE A CAR."
“Hmm. Forgive my apathy, you see, I've just finished racing an ape about the world in a hot air balloon.”
“BUT I AM THE KING OF THE JUNGLE AND NOW ALSO KING OF THE ROAD!”
“Yes, well. Last week I killed and ate the king of Spain on a gentleman's wager.”
“BUT MY ENORMOUS JAWS ARE ONLY KEPT IN CHECK BY CENTRIFUGAL FORCE. THEY ARE GOING LIKE 80 MILES AN HOUR.”
“Mmm? What, sorry, I fell asleep. Are you quite finished? I've an appointment to keep where I am to be fired at the moon from the world's largest cannon.”
“SHIT THAT'S PRETTY CRAZY.”Advantage: That guy.
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