The 5 Most Badass Things Ever Done By Jungle Cats
Allow This Guy to Ride the Tiger LionAskold Zapashny of the Zapashny Brothers Circus in St. Petersburg. It is also a picture of a man riding the single most metal thing a man can ride--short of "the lightning" or a rocket-ship shaped like a guitar--a big damn lion. That is the only vehicle in the world that is certified Grade A, Ronnie James Dio Approved.
“Actually, I said 'ride the tiger'--but fuck it. Dio approved!”It matters little that Askold is dressed like a dominatrix at a renaissance faire up there, or that he has a ponytail so effeminate it took first place in a vagina contest, because this man has not only made a Superpredator his primary mode of transportation, but has even gone so far as to jump said lion-vehicle with reckless abandon like it's a carnivorous General Lee. You try stepping to Askold at a stoplight with your custom chrome-skull embossed chopper, and you might win the race--but only one of your vehicles can eat his opponent for fuel.
Cause a Boy to Marry a Dogwed to his neighbor's dog, under the assumption that it would prevent him from being eaten by tigers. This is all because the boy grew an abnormal tooth on his upper gum and in his village abnormal tooth growths are taken as a sign of poor orthodontic health, and all of their dentists just happen to be deadly, deadly tigers. Well, that's not exactly true, but it makes about as much sense as their actual reasoning: Extra teeth are simply a bad omen that makes one more prone to tiger attacks. This village's tribal god apparently really digs on beastiality, and a surefire way to ensure his blessing is to marry an animal. Luckily the marriage is not recognized by law, so the boy will not have to file for divorce in order to take a human wife--which is good, because the alternative would have been the saddest thing in the world: Puppy divorce.
“Sometimes I forget that I don't wear the ring anymore. Sometimes I forget…”Metal is about being a badass, being terrifying and being sexually perverted to a degree that would frighten Alfred Kinsey into a convent. I'm pretty sure that an entire village so terrified of the threat of tigers that they married a child to a dog covers all of those bases nicely. Advantage: Tigers.
Cause a Man to Cover His Eyes Mid-Suicide Attempt
“I would enjoy for that to eat me.”--MetalAdvantage: Tigers.
Withstand Attack by Chainsaw Marinea starving mountain lion. Practically helpless before the potential onslaught of the most weaponized animal in all of nature, Britton was armed only with his wits and a chainsaw. Which is… actually pretty good armament, come to think of it. Britton reports that the lion lunged at him full force, impacting him in mid-air at the shoulder, and he had no choice but to swing the chainsaw into the attacking beast. If the story ended there, that's certainly fucking metal, but not necessarily in the cat's favor. Rather than turning tail and running before one of the largest predators in the nation, a lone Marine, miles from civilization and any possible help, decided “Fuck it: Chainsaw.” Sorry, lions. That's…
Warning: Ineffective against lions.Advantage: Lion.
"HOLY SHIT I AM A LION AND I AM ALMOST LEARNING TO DRIVE A CAR."
“Hmm. Forgive my apathy, you see, I've just finished racing an ape about the world in a hot air balloon.”
“BUT I AM THE KING OF THE JUNGLE AND NOW ALSO KING OF THE ROAD!”
“Yes, well. Last week I killed and ate the king of Spain on a gentleman's wager.”
“BUT MY ENORMOUS JAWS ARE ONLY KEPT IN CHECK BY CENTRIFUGAL FORCE. THEY ARE GOING LIKE 80 MILES AN HOUR.”
“Mmm? What, sorry, I fell asleep. Are you quite finished? I've an appointment to keep where I am to be fired at the moon from the world's largest cannon.”
“SHIT THAT'S PRETTY CRAZY.”Advantage: That guy.
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