The 5 Craziest Stories Of The 2016 Election So Far (Pt.

Ben Carson had a terrible week, and if the events of this election so far are any indication, it probably won't matter much. He's just barely trailing Donald Trump, which is a nightmare all its own that we'll get to later. But really, we owe him a debt of gratitude. In an election that seems to be so full of genuinely evil people, or at least candidates who think that they have to act evil to win votes, Carson is emerging as Sarah Palin 2.0. Sure, he compared Syrian refugees to rabid dogs, but stacked up against what some of his competition said, he is basically the comic relief of this election.

This is a man who is so religious that he has a verse from Proverbs etched into the wall of his home. And so dumb that he managed to have "Proverbs" spelled wrong.

Guardian.com
Those Oscars probably aren't real, either.

But it's not just his lack of interior decorating skills we need to be worried about. After Carson embarrassed himself at the last debate by saying that China was fighting in Syria, his main foreign policy advisor, Duane R. Clarridge, went to The New York Times to say that his employer doesn't understand world affairs. Like, at all. In fact, Clarridge's exact quote was, "Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East." I can't stress enough that the person who said that is currently working with Ben Carson, and said this on the record. At least we can rest easy knowing that our next president probably won't have to deal with any problems in the Middle East. I'm sure everything will be sorted out by then.

Never mind that those Muslims are fleeing the same enemy we're supposed to be fighting. Said enemy could just disguise themselves as good guys, you know? Take off their ISIS hoodies before they get to customs or whatever. They have ways. Just like, according to Jeb Bush, there are "ways" to prove you're a Christian.

When President Obama addressed the comments at an appearance overseas, Cruz went into full-on "Say it to my face!" mode, because a real man only questions another's policy decisions when he's within reasonable punching distance.

Ted Cruz's shouting match with Obama, combined with his Rick Perry moment at the most recent GOP debate ...

... would've put comic and podcast host Genevieve Mueller well atop the loser board in this week's fantasy league scoring, but an oversight in the rules last week which failed to take into account when a candidate drops out for good meant that didn't happen. Hey, speaking of which ...

"You put up a good fight, but deep down, I think I always knew that you were never going to last more than three minutes in this Royal Rumble.

"You had the support of Kevin 'God's Not Dead. Seriously, He's Not' Sorbo, and if the backing of a Hercules: The Legendary Journeys-list celebrity couldn't propel you into the political stratosphere, then I doubt that anything could. I'm certain that one day, we'll look back on your 2016 presidential campaign with a nostalgic fondness that we usually reserve for pictures of college parties that we threw up at. But for now, you managed to prove that, even though our society loves an underdog story, sometimes it's okay to hear the underdog and say 'Nah. Not this time, bro.'

"Take it easy, Bobby. See you in 2020."

"Oh, Trump is starting to sound Nazi-like? I think I read an article on Cracked about that a few months ago. Also, I'll accept your acknowledgement of my keen eye for impending fascist disaster on Twitter @adamtodbrown."

Twitter.com
Good start!

"Anyway, if you haven't been following the news for the last week or so, it's true: Major media outlets have finally taken to admitting that the ideas Trump is proposing sound eerily Hitler-like. During a recent GOP debate, he doubled down on his promise to round up and deport millions of undocumented immigrants, and even had the gall to cite President Eisenhower's disastrous (and disastrously named) Operation Wetback as proof that his idea could work."

"Surprisingly, that wasn't even the most Third-Reich-like Trump moment of the past few weeks. He also went on record to say that he wouldn't be opposed to making all Muslims in the United States register in a database of some sort, and maybe even carry an I.D. card or wear some sort of identifying symbol. That's Nazi as fuck. Even worse, when asked how his plan was different from what Hitler did to the Jews, his only answer was, 'You tell me.'

"That's your Republican frontrunner, ladies and gentlemen. Well done."

By virtue of still leading the polls and thereby asserting herself as the statistically better of two very similar options, Hillary Clinton brought home enough points to secure a victory in this week's fantasy scoring for Cracked Editor Soren Bowie. He didn't have much to say about being "stuck" with Clinton last time. Let's see if that changes. Here are his thoughts:

"Please stop muddying my inbox with garbage emails about how I'm a winner. I've been winning at stuff for 33 years; I already know. I intentionally auto-drafted this goddamn dream team to prove that destiny is the laminate that keeps sticky people like you from getting a grip on me as you sink into misfortune. God is not my co-pilot. God is my driver, because I have better things to do along the way. Our sets of footprints in the sand are actually luxury tire treads."

Ingram Publishing/Ingram Publishing/Getty Images
"When you did see footprints, I was ghost riding the whip."

"It is a foregone conclusion that Hilary Clinton is going to win the Democratic nomination, and I will laugh in the slack-jawed faces of the sad, disbelieving keyboard killers who were certain Bernie Sanders would be POTUS for the next 60 years. I know it is inevitable for one simple reason: Bernie Sanders is the political equivalent of Snakes On A Plane. The Internet LOVES Bernie Sanders. They can't say enough about that guy, and with good reason. He's smart and honest and seems genuinely likable. But if you'll take a quick trip with me back to 2006, you'll remember that the Internet was also psyched to talk about a movie called Snakes On A Plane, to the point where it looked like it would smash box office records on opening day."

"And then ... it opened and flopped like hot testicles on a marble floor. That's because the Internet is overflowing with good intentions and absolutely no follow-through. Message boards, forums, and meme plants consist almost exclusively of people who think that their words matter as much as actions -- that just by talking about something, they've done enough work for one day. Mark my words.

"I'll see you on the podium."

Check out our initial draft in If Everything Had A Fantasy League: Election League. And get all the inside tips on your own election draft (free tip, don't draft Bobby Jindal) in 6 Bizarre Factors That Predict Every Presidential Election.

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