Six Degrees of Su-Su-Sudio: Using Pandora as Musical Gaydar
At Pandora Internet Radio, they have a system called the Music Genome Project. This is a robot that maps out the DNA of music, and then finds songs that have similar DNA for you to enjoy. If you didn't go to school, think of it like a matchmaker in a room full of cousins. Most people use it so the robot will create a radio station based around their favorite song. Today, I'm using it to discover what happens if Phil Collins's song "Sussudio" was allowed to breed. I will tell the robot that I enjoy "Sussudio," which is already quite dangerous, then see what song it spits out to please me. I will then take that song and create a radio station based on it. And so on. If you're confused, imagine stepping into alternate dimensions where Phil Collins won World War II or was born to fish parents, only on the radio. This experiment may shock you. Your favorite song might be genetically linked directly or indirectly to "Sussudio." We're all about to see how thin a line we're all walking between enjoying catchy music and having a family of dicks hibernating in our mouths. Explaining the Su-Su-Suck System The Music Genome Project categorizes songs via hundreds of short text descriptions like "repetitive harmonies" or "going apeshit on a saxophone." It's like reading the phone book if everyone were named by jazzy Native Americans. That's why I've developed the Su-Su-Suck System to quickly and visually identify the lameness of a song. I'll explain from the top clockwise.
1. Skateboarding Teddy Bear Rating
This rates how well the song works as the soundtrack to a picture of a teddy bear riding a skateboard for drug awareness. This might seem paradoxical at first, but if a bear can skateboard or if squirrels can climb into a stack and drive a car to your song, it probably sucks.
2. Muzak Rating
Do they play your song in department stores and elevators? That's because if you play your song with a flute, it can be used to medically sedate the public in a way that still leaves their meat edible.