This holiday season, the Cracked Dispensary wants you to realize that the greatest gift that you can give someone is an education. But educations cost thousands of dollars and a firstborn child, so we're going with the next-best thing: giving the gift of a fake education from the most famous schools in pop culture. Why bother representing your actual alma mater when you can show everyone that you went to the finest institutions that cinema and the internet have to offer?
We don't like to brag here at Cracked, but the education that we provide is better than Harvard, Yale, and the first two Robocop movies combined. What we're saying is that Cracked is the highest institution of learning in the goddamn Universe, and you should respect us in the same way that you respect that one great professor who always comes in hung over. Buy this T-shirt for your fellow Cracked alumni and wear them together with pride, signaling to your peers that yes, you are all world-class intellects and world-class makers of sweaty, list-based love.
The department of Paranormal Studies no longer exists at Columbia University, so we offer our condolences to all of you aspiring Ghostbusters who will never have the chance to strap on a jumpsuit and suck in a ghost with a vacuum cleaner. You'll never have lab time with Dr. Stantz or experience the horror of being sexually aggressed upon by Dr. Venkman, but we hope this T-shirt can serve as a bittersweet replacement. No, it's not an actual degree in paranormal studies, but much like ghosts, degrees are mostly transparent and only useful for seducing those nerdy types with names like Zuul.
High school is a time of self-discovery and transformation. Sometimes, you discover deep-seated insecurities and transform into an adolescent looking to fit in. Sometimes, you discover giant armored monsters and transform into brightly colored ninjas. Equal chances, really. Whatever your high school experience, we all can relate to the teens of Angel Grove. Honor their service by wearing this T-shirt, and know that whatever struggles you encounter, be it strange new body hair or an intergalactic space witch, "mighty morphin" is just another way to say "growing up."
Love me some T-Shirts! But what about the Cracked Store?
Don't you worry your pretty little bold-faced head. Not to be outdone by the Cracked Dispensary, the Cracked Store is also getting in on the higher learning action. We're offering three different computer course bundles for (pardon the cliche) an insanely low price. (In our defense, "insanely" is kind of our thing.) And look, here they come now!
The Complete Computer Science Bundle is priced at a flat $39 and teaches you everything from coding to design. Some of these courses may seem daunting, but the Complete Computer Science Bundle promises to guide you through them all with ease. Remember, if you can follow the logic of a Chris Bucholz column all the way through, then C++ should be a piece of cake.
If movies and television have taught us anything, it's that all it takes to become a master hacker is being able to type super quickly on multiple keyboards at once. But it turns out that movies and television might have misled us this one time. The Become An Ethical Hacker Bonus Bundle teaches you everything about actual hacking with the intention that you use your newfound powers for good. And by "good," we mean good money, because working in cyber security throws you more cash than a reverse ATM.
Give me the smarts, Cracked!
You can go directly to the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store by clicking on the links here. Or you can scroll back up and click on the links in each section to go to the corresponding product page. Yes, Cracked might trade mostly in poop jokes and movie trivia, but if The Social Network is to be believed, Harvard is mostly just taking selfies and rowing anyway. So we're going to go ahead and maintain that a Cracked education is the best education that money can buy.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.