Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08

By:
My fellow Americans:
With the November election just around the corner and both campaigns ramping up their rhetoric, there's been a lot of talk in the media about the candidates, their qualifications (or lack thereof), and what they might look like naked. That's all well and good - spirited discourse about prominent politicians' genitalia is essential to a healthy democracy - but with all this talk about Obama, McCain, Sarah Palin and (to a lesser extent) Joe Biden, I can't help but feel that someone has been left out of the national dialogue. I'm talking, of course, about me, Ross Wolinsky. I might not be a "Kennedyesque" senator with a gift for oration, nor have I ever been tortured as a POW in Hanoi (I don't even know what Hanoi is!), but let me be clear: I, Ross Wolinsky, am going to be the next President of the United States.

Now I know what you're thinking: Who is this Ross Wolinsky fella, and why in the name of Krokus should I vote for him? What's the Great Pizza Basket, and are those stink lines coming off of Florida? My agenda might be a little bit different than the other candidates', but that's probably because I'm not like the other candidates. Let's get into it, shall we?

HOMELAND SECURITY

We live in troubled times, and the war we are waging against terrorists abroad will be our legacy for generations to come. They hate us for our freedom, and they want to kill our pets and grandparents. It's no surprise that homeland security is on the minds of millions of Americans - we love our pets and grandparents. That's what America is all about. Barack Obama wants to "base homeland security spending on risk rather than pork-barrel politics." John McCain says that "the highest priority for any President is protecting the lives of American citizens."
Ross Wolinsky thinks that both of these men are morons. The Department of Homeland Security operates with a staggering annual budget of $45 billion, but despite this astronomical figure, studies have repeatedly found DHS to be an ineffective government agency. When he is elected President, Ross Wolinsky will dismantle the Department of Homeland Security and use their budget to build the biggest theme park the world has ever seen at the geographic center of the United States. It will be called Freedomland, admission will be free for all natural-born citizens, and it will be staffed entirely by grandparents and pets.

I know what you're thinking, and you're right: A theme park staffed by grandparents and pets will most likely be a very unpleasant place to visit. Geriatrics will be wandering the park, confused and impatient, the pets will go mostly unfed, and anyone who gets on the roller coaster is almost guaranteed to die (and that's not even mentioning the feces). But Freedomland will be more of a symbolic gesture than anything else, and besides, an amusement park covered in animal and octogenarian feces is as American as apple pie. Which reminds me: The park will also sell apple pie.

THE ECONOMY

Following the recent meltdown on Wall Street, America's going to need a President with a sharp business sense while we put the pieces of our nation's economy back together. Barack Obama plans to invest in "infrastructure, energy independence, education, and research and development," while John McCain advocates a "pro-growth, pro-jobs strategy" to get our economy on the fast-track to recovery. Ross Wolinsky thinks that economics is boring, and when he's elected President, he will make talking about it ILLEGAL. Unless, of course, you are born into the newly-created "finance" caste, in which case the well-being of our entire economy will rest entirely on your back. This small group of privileged individuals will be fully sequestered in maximum security "Analyst Camps" on Wall Street, where they'll be forced - err,
allowed - to calculate risk, trade stocks and commodities, and talk about all that other boring, complicated things that most Americans have no interest in or understanding of. This will free up valuable space in the business sections of our nation's newspapers, magazines and TV shows, which can then be filled with something that has been woefully underrepresented in the American media for too many years: Hardcore pornography. When he is elected President, Ross Wolinsky will put hardcore pornography where it belongs: on your TVs, in your newspapers... everywhere he possibly can, really. Oh - and if you go to the bank they'll give you free money. As much of it as you want. That's the Ross Wolinsky promise: locked-up financial analysts, hardcore pornography, and all the free money you want.

FLORIDA

Three words:
NO MORE FLORIDA.

HEALTHCARE

If energy costs are soaring, then healthcare costs are doing some other dramatic, air-related thing that escapes me at the moment. Americans cannot afford their doctor bills and insurance premiums; meanwhile the doctors and surgeons are zipping around the French Rivieria on diamond-encrusted yachts, reclining on deck with a diamond-encrusted glass of imported diamond juice in their hands, laughing maniacally, or possibly just laughing regularly at how ridiculous it is to do that. Both Barack Obama and John McCain know that the cost of healthcare is completely out of control, and they both have their own vague band-aid solutions to bring costs under control, but neither one of them are brave enough to address the root of the problem: modern medicine is simply too expensive for many Americans. So what's the solution? We need affordable medical solutions for the Americans who need them, solutions for when
modern medicine is out of reach. To that end, Ross Wolinsky believes that we must invest heavily in ancient, archaic medical practices that have long since been replaced by more effective, less horrifically painful practices. Leeches, trepanation, and dirt blessed by voodoo shamans were all perfectly respectable forms of medical treatment before "science" showed up and ruined the party, and when Ross Wolinsky is elected President, he will create a new government agency dedicated to bringing these practices back into use for the millions of sick Americans who need them. Modern medicine is elitist and surgery is for aristocrats - what you need is a good ol' fashioned bloodletting.

THE SANCTITY OF LIFE

The sanctity of life is a very sensitive issue, one that must be approached delicately. Barack Obama has made it clear that he supports a woman's right to choose, while John McCain's website says that he is committed to "the protection of human dignity," which means he's against killing babies, I think. Pro-Life? Pro-Choice?
Ross Wolinsky does not believe that babies have a place in this country at all. These unproductive, lazy members of our society have been placing an enormous strain on our national resources for too long, expecting handouts while giving nothing back to society. They cry during movies, they defecate in our supermarket aisles, and they've made enjoying a leisurely afternoon at the local playground nearly impossible. We have put up with The Bonneted Menace for too long, and when he is elected President this November, Ross Wolinsky will make sure that no more babies are born in this country EVER AGAIN.

AGRICULTURE

The plight of the American farmer is one of the great tragedies of our time. Barack Obama speaks of an agricultural agenda that will allow America's farmers to "create a new story for rural America," and John McCain wants to "expand access for U.S. agricultural producers to foreign markets," but Ross Wolinsky knows better than that; after all, he grew up in Chicago, a city not too far away from Iowa (where corn is grown). The problems facing America's farmers aren't rooted in corn subsidies or companies like Monsanto. The politicians would have you believe that fixing things requires a complicated solution, something involving lots of research and committees and big words nobody understands, but here's what the politicians don't want you to know: The problems facing America's farmers are as simple as apple pie coolin' on your grandma's windowsill.

Corn might be America's #1 crop, but is it America's favorite food? NOT EVEN CLOSE. Our nation's farmers, those forgotten heroes tilling their midwestern fields to feed our nation, are dedicating the vast majority of their precious resources on a crop that NOBODY EVEN LIKES. That's why when Ross Wolinsky is President, he will adopt a reform strategy to enact sweeping changes throughout the American agricultural system. No longer will our nation's farmers be tied to growing a crop that sticks in your teeth and refuses digestion. We need to bring our bread basket into the 21st century, and to do so, we need to start growing a crop that people actually want to eat:

Pizza. We must grow more pizza.
My name is Ross Wolinsky, and I approve this message.

Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter

Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Forgot Password?