ONS Awards: The Latest and Worstest Nintendo Games
ONS stands for Official Nintendo Seal, the esteemed honor that Nintendo bestows its retail products. This is of course slightly downgraded from the previous honor, the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality. The new version is a refreshing, almost stupid disclosure of the product's lack of quality. It's like telling consumers, "If we felt right about describing this as good, we would."
The Official Nintendo Seal, because "Look, guy. I'm going through a real messy divorce, and every morning I come to work to this huge pile of kids games. I don't really have time to try them all out. Maybe my wife's new teenage boyfriend does," doesn't fit on a sticker.
Classic gamers know that even back when its games legally had quality, a lot of suck got through Nintendo's quality filters. Now, with all oversights on suck lifted, may God help your Nintendo. Bad video games are stealing money from the stupid faster than Amazing Sea Monkeys and magic candy bar salesmen combined. The actual numbers would astonish you, so instead here are two others: 12, seventy-umpleen*.
* Novelty economic figures.
In this installment of the ONS awards, I'm focusing entirely on the Nintendo DS. In a recent television campaign, glamorous celebrities are depicted enjoying quirky, fun games. Sexy Beyoncé giggling at Rhythm Heaven? When is the media going to show an accurate representation of the Nintendo DS? Where are the "normal" women with bad skin, healthy hips and gills struggling through a game based on the monster truck, Bigfoot, with their cloven pig hands? Take back the night!
In the ONS Awards, each game will receive one to five Official Nintendo Seals in the categories of Graphics, Fun and Challenge. Many of these games were reverse engineered from market research based on how many copies they would sell to people who don't give a fuck if they're good or not, so the Graphics, Fun and Challenge will all be of poor quality. But remember, the Official Nintendo Seal never said anything about quality. So a high number of Official Nintendo Seals only means MORE not-quality. If you need an example, picture you're in a sack race. The sun in shining, the air is filled with laughter, and you score one ONS for winning the sack race, or five ONS's if you stay in one place and masturbate into your bag.