Dark Humor Jokes From Unexpected Sources

Including this terrifying bit from Ronald Reagan at the height of the Cold War: ‘My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes’

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Jersey Bros, Phantom Time and Yet Another Open Call For Letters: The Friday Nooner (EST)!

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Awesome Video Of The Day WOAHHHH! I pitched the executives at Animal Planet recently about a new reality show called "Raw Jersey." It would follow the travels of five gentlemen down the New Jersey shoreline in search of the finest girls, the most bumpin' clubs and the strongest hair gel that money can buy. It was gonna have it all: sex, drugs (rohypnol & steroids), partying... inexplicably, they turned it down. And they wonder why their ratings are in the shitter, right? After that I tweaked the pitch for the Discovery Channel and changed the name to "DNA Files: Jersey Uncovered." I billed it as an edutainment program about how even though we're all different people, we all share the same DNA. It's amazing enough that chimps and humans share 99% of the same DNA, so I thought it would be even more striking that we, as normal human beings, share a whopping 100% of our DNA with these guys. Bafflingly enough, Discovery wasn't interested either. Needless to say, VH1 wasn't too keen on "Behind The Douchebags." I guess I'm not cut out to work in television.
The Best Conspiracy Theories Ever Awesome Conspiracy #1: The Phantom Time Hypothesis Nuts And Bolts: The Early Middle Ages (614-911 AD) never happened. It is currently the year 1710.
Evidence: Perhaps unsurprisingly, not a whole lot. Heribert Illig (who initially proposed the theory) claims that there isn't adequate archaeological evidence from that period to prove that it happened. He points to a vast conspiracy perpetrated by Otto III (a Holy Roman Emperor) and Pope Sylvester II, and says that a discrepancy in the Gregorian calendar (implemented in 1582 AD) helps to seal the deal.
Plausability: Pretty high, if not for the fact that years typically occur directly after the year they precede. Meaning that 614 AD happened right after 613 AD, and 615 after 614, and so on, right on through to today. Illig's hypothesis has actually been refuted by pretty much everyone who has ever heard it on countless grounds: archaeological records, literary sources, counting tree rings and astronomical calculations to name a few. That's not even to mention the fact that Illig never gave any sort of credible motive to account for this 1400-year-old conspiracy, meaning they would have done it, what? Just for shits and giggles? The whole thing makes my brain hurt, honestly. It's Friday - who needs some shit like this to kick off their weekend?
Got A Problem? Do you hate your mother? Are you clueless when it comes to proper dinner table etiquette? Is your weird fetish ruining your life? Let me help you out. All next week on the Cracked Blog, the Daily Nooner will also double as the worst advice column on the entire internet. Send your letters here.

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