If Other Cable Networks Had Picked Up Dexter

Dexter is finally back after making us sit through a full year of television where protagonists didn't regularly murder people, and I couldn't be happier. In news that is so bizarre you'd think I made it up for the purpose of this column, Showtime was close to selling show's rights to a number of other networks. There was a lot of interest in being the provider of Season 5 from just about every big network. Thankfully, Showtime decided to keep Dexter, and the deals fell through, due in part to them being made up by me, but we were still pretty close to getting a very different program this season...

VH1

Vh A Sab Love at WITH DEXTER MORGAN He's a KILLER inthe bedroom. Also, EVERYWHEREELSE.

Pro: Unlike most reality dating shows, the bachelor in this instance is at least fairly charming and likable.

Con: The way he eliminates contest week-to-week is pretty ... pretty rough.

CBS

From the creators of Two and a Half Men CBSC my totally unconventiona upbringing dad cranky grandpa wJackry nesghbor

Pro: This show would certainly make a killing ... in the ratings! It'd be just like all of those other wildly successful CBS sitcoms.

Con: It'd be just like all of those other wildly successful CBS sitcoms.

The CW

CU ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE... ...FUCKING IN POOLS DE XTER

Pro: You can't really go wrong with shows about a bunch of attractive people boning.

Con: The CW regularly goes wrong with shows about a bunch of attractive people boning.

Cartoon Network

Pro: Nailed it.

Con: Goodbye Rita, hello Dee Dee. Fucking Dee Dee.

Lifetime

Pro: Should be heartwarming and uplifting, right up until it's the exact opposite of that (the typical Lifetime Original Movie formula).

Con: I was too lazy to check but I'm not sure if Lifetime is still even a network.

MTV

Pro: The true story ... of eight strangers ... picked to live in a house ... work together and have their lives taped ... to find out what happens ... when people stop being polite ... and start getting real.

Con: ... and one of them ritualistically murders people.

The Disney Channel

DEXTER'SHLCHSCHOOL! Semetimmestheenlythiag tiaat seeiis mordering- is loneliness. Disney.

Pro: A show that follows a young Dexter Morgan as he tries to fit in and make friends at his new high school, all while occasionally breaking into giant song and dance numbers.

Con: A show that follows a young Dexter Morgan as he tries to fit in and make friends at his new high school, all while occasionally breaking into giant song and dance numbers.

The Discovery Channel

Pro: Shark week, once a week, every week, while Michael C. Hall delivers well-crafted monologues in voice over.

Con: Nothing, there is nothing wrong with this show. Someone make this show.

Daniel O'Brien is a serial killer who only murders other serials that only murder other serial killers. It's an admittedly small pool he's working with.