I Fucking Love Valentine's Day

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I'll be totally honest: I fucking love Valentine's Day. I know. I know. You hate it. Hate it. Grrr. You hate it because it's a Hallmark holiday; because it's a shallow, commercialized moneymaker, and because you are extremely cool and tragically brilliant.

Look how cool you are. You're an artist. You know what I find to be the most aggravating thing about Valentine's Day? That every year, at least one person (but always more) will say, as soon as the holiday is brought up, "You know Valentine's Day is just a made up, corporate holiday, right? That it's just designed to make money? Did you know that?" They say it like it's some big secret, and only they know the truth because they dared to break off from the herd and question everything. But, honestly, is there anyone who isn't aware of how commercialized the holiday is? Does anyone think they're honoring a saint or a god or anything when they're buying chocolates? Like smokers knowing that cigarettes might be vaguely dangerous, I think it's safe to say that, from now on, no one will ever have to enlighten anyone else about how basically meaningless Valentine's Day is. No one anywhere thinks they're celebrating to honor any saints, or anything.

So, do you hate Valentine's Day because you hate consumerism and Valentine's Day shamelessly pulls in $14 billion a year? Fine. Great, you can totally hate consumerism, that's terrific. Just be aware that, when someone is buying somebody else a weepy, overpriced, bastard Hallmark card or a heart-shaped Whitman's Sampler, they're not thinking, "Score one more for consumerism!" No, they're thinking, "Hey, a card. will really love this," or "Chocolates.
I just might be boning someone tonight."

There are plenty of lame holidays, but none take as much shit as Valentine's Day, and I just don't get where all this animosity is coming from. I can see people getting angry about the commercialization of Christmas, or Thanksgiving; those holidays had clear meanings that have been obscured and exploited. But Valentine's Day? Nobody even knows what the hell that's about. My co-blogger and the Heavyweight Champion of Internet Video Mike Swaim
touched on the fact that we're not even totally sure who this holiday is supposed to honor, historically speaking, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. There's anywhere from three to a billion dead Christian martyrs named "Valentine," and no one has ever been able to reasonably pinpoint which one deserves his own day. And, before the Christians, pagans had excessive feasts around February 14 that are closer in spirit to what we celebrate today than the lives if Christian martyrs but, again, who knows? It's all a mix of pagans, boning and dead Christians at this point. The meaning of Valentine's Day hasn't been lost over time because there never was one.

So, nothing sacred is being tarnished. No one is being dishonored. So, what are you so mad about? Valentine's Day is about chocolates, excess and boning, and generally a filthy, sticky, delicious combination of all three if you can manage it. Until someone creates delicious bacon that also tells me I'm handsome, I will hold up Valentine's Day as man's greatest invention. From when Valentine's Day was started in America until today, in whatever year this is, we have consistently celebrated commercialization and money and porking and candy and chocolate and cheesy cards. What's wrong with any of those things? What's wrong with a holiday about eating candy and fucking? I know how painfully cool you are, and I know you like being miserable all the time and today presents the perfect opportunity for you to be even more miserable and bitter and whiny, but just shut up for a while. People are just trying to smile and bone and eat tons of chocolate. Why do you have a problem with that?

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