Hate By Numbers Is On Vacation

As I've told some of you in our sexy and private chats (meaning my Facebook status message) I'm not doing a Hate By Numbers this week. In its place is a golden oldie from a simpler time -- five weeks ago. Watch Larry King (HBN's Crown Prince) get to the bottom of an alien videotape controversy and/or not. Then read about why I'm not doing an HBN today after the jump!

• I am in the middle of intense contractual negotiations and I'm withholding product in the hopes that Cracked caves to my one demand: scantily-clad, groupie assistants to work the camera and dust the green screen. (Frankly, I can't believe they won't give in here. I mean, I even left the definition of "scantily clad" way open -- French Maid, Sexy Nurse, Vampiress. All good.)

• I'm scared of the vocal minority that insists I suck. I wake up with night terrors. And don't get me started about the folks at Digg.com.

• I planned my week off with Dan O'Brien's travel absence to bring the Cracked empire to its knees so we can launch our competing site: The Mace & Machete Comedy Show ... .com.

• I am currently in talks with the Merchant/Ivory people to turn Hate By Numbers into a wartime romance set in the English countryside.

• Swaim offered me a role in Internet Party 3: Electric Booga-YouTube if I stop doing HBN. I think that's a good deal, especially because he assures me Facebook girl thinks I'm dreamy.

• I've done it for 11 weeks straight, writing, delivering, and editing it myself, and I deserve a break.