7 Real Suits That Will Soon Make the World A Cooler Place
The 2SuitOne of humanity's greatest achievements came in 1961 with the first manned mission to space, and after the cheers had died and confetti had fallen, mankind collectively asked the next logical question, "yeah, but how do we fuck up there?" I have been worrying about this problem since high school physics; the logistical issue of throwing genitals at one another in a weightless environment is that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. As a result, I would only be guaranteed one solid power-thrust before I was hurtling backward to the other end of the ship from that exotic yet anatomically correct alieness I picked up in the Virgo cluster.
"Well...that was underwhelming."Enter the 2suit. Created by the poet Vanna Bonta, or as she's better known, "that one lady from Beastmaster," the 2suit allows two weightless and impulsive adults to dock with one another as they drift through outer space. It features a Velcro panel on the front that opens and attaches to the suit of another presumably drunk astronaut. Even though the design lets two people stay in proximity long enough for the copulation to end and the shame to take hold, it doesn't account for flying starts, or even the most basic spin maneuvers, which seem to be the primary motivations for space sex. Still, the technology is nascent and humanity is holding out hope for amendments to the original design, perhaps even a 3suit or a human centipede suit in the near future.Now, back to Beastmaster because I inadvertently charged over that nugget of information earlier. The designer of the 2suit is the actress who played Zed's wife in Beastmaster, and who is currently playing my favorite inventor. I don't know why there is an emerging trend among
Beat that, Tin Cup.
The Metaflex SuitFor anyone with the lofty aspirations of stalking, voyeurism, or just experiencing the world without contributing anything to it (I'm looking at you, every person with a computer), there is a new technology on the horizon.
"Now you're just being a dick."While most great powers come with great responsibilities, the power of invisibility isn't one of them. In fact, shirking responsibility is sort of the point of owning an invisibility suit in the first place.
The XOS 2 Robotics Suit (Exoskeleton)Though it lacks aesthetic charm, the Raytheon XOS 2 suit isn't designed for dinner parties. It's built to lift heavy things and punch holes through people, two tasks with which I currently struggle. The suit has an incredible distribution of weight given its exceptional power; a person can tiptoe while wearing the exoskeleton making it the obvious accompaniment to the invisibility suit.
"No shower today, ladies. Someone punched a giant hole in the wall."It's powered by hydraulics and has a 17:1 strength ratio which I imagine means something impressive to people who understand math. What's most amazing, however, is that the XOS 2 allows the wearer to control the amount of force exerted, the same way muscles in a human body work, something fairly complicated to replicate in a machine. To put the intelligent design of the suit into perspective, Ripley could have used it to pound an alien's body into its own tiny mouth and still offered Newt a reassuring pat on the head without ever taking off this power lifter. As far as real-world application is concerned, it seems best suited for bending rebar into eagles and throwing big rocks into a lake, two things that could make me a real hit at construction sites or on camping trips.
The Trojan Ballistics SuitIf someone gave you $15,000 when you were eleven and asked you to make the coolest suit of armor you could think of, it would probably look something like the Trojan. This suit has so many hidden pockets, weapons and general accoutrements that even the inventor forgets all the cool things he added
The Dolce & Gabbana Steel Grey Pinstriped SuitIt doesn't feature any new technology or fly or anything, it's just a nice goddamn suit . I think that I could really win over a crowd in one of these. Picture for a moment, me coming at you in this pants/blazer combo, probably somewhere classy like Italy or in a really expensive seafood restaurant. You would think, "Oh no, that guy is disrupting my understanding of handsomeness, he is transforming beauty into something destructive and terrifying. I would look away but my eyes don't belong to me anymore, they belong to him now, only him." Looking at this suit on the right frame is like looking into a big, gorgeous, pinstriped sun, and I want it so it goes on the list.
The XscapeSafe SuitRight up there with getting trapped under ice or sucked into space, burning alive is one of my least favorite ways to picture dying. Thankfully, Kennis Sigmon invented a suit that can afford me at least three seconds of reprieve before a blazing inferno engulfs me. The
Seems common.The one downfall is that the process of getting it on seems time-consuming, especially considering that you're burning precious seconds better spent crawling to safety. Once I own the XscapeSafe suit, I intend to wear it under my everyday clothes in anticipation of electrical and grease fires. I'm looking for an opportunity both to demonstrate my heroism by pulling people to safety, but also to get a legitimate shot at fulfilling a lifelong dream of punching out a fire.
The Cyber Sex SuitOne of the primary reasons men buy, own and wear suits is to look presentable enough to convince women to have sex. Vivid Entertainment saw this elaborate mating ritual and said, "what if you could just have sex with your suit instead?" "OK," answered mankind and the
"Before you get started, we'd like you to put on this fire suit."Still, technology has come a long way since the sex suit was discontinued in 2000, and I am holding out hope that the idea was just before its time. I'm adding this suit to the collection for what it has the potential to be and for its pioneering spirit. Also, I take a lot of road trips and I'm hoping there's some kind of car adaptor.