7 Great Occupations for Horribly Stupid People
Individual stupidity is usually measured on a sliding scale based on the number of crocodiles your head is inside, but this isn't a list of individual stupid people. It's a list of types of people who are very likely to be individually stupid. #7. Kids on Children Shows Any actor on a kid's show that isn't dressed as an alien or a bear is a complete idiot. They run into streets, they drink bleach, and if a stranger says he has a cookie in his pants, they'll sprain their wrists grabbing for it. And all of these horrible things remind nearby creatures of songs. Do you realize that there's an entire generation of children whose first interaction with education is watching traffic accidents and handjobs get interrupted by rapping dinosaurs? Good luck, Future. Why They're So Stupid: Besides basic safety procedures, most puppets only know songs about the alphabet. If you're over the age of three, hearing that all day is just going to make you dumber. #6. Airport Security Guards When you apply for a job as an airport screener, you are shown a jar containing three jelly beans and asked to guess how many are inside. If you guess correctly, you are placed in a holding cell and tortured until you give up the bomb's location (nice try, Muhammad). If you guess incorrectly, you are given a coupon for a free hug. If you throw the jar of jelly beans into a wall safe and scream for everyone to clear the airport, you are immediately hired. You're only allowed to bring three ounces of liquid on a plane. Kind of. You might have a four-ounce bottle of toothpaste that's almost empty, but airport security guards are so stupid they're not allowed to do that kind of math. This is a problem, but I have an idea. Since we don't have enough money to hire dentists to inspect everyone's toothpaste, we should put a chimpanzee at each checkpoint. Then, every passenger gets to select two items from their bags to carry into battle against the chimp. This will not only quickly identify each commuter's two best weapons, but if they choose toothpaste, hold on, there's something up with this guy's toothpaste. Why They're So Stupid: The idea is to make them so dumb that they're impossible to trick. But man they're going to look like geniuses when the first old lady tries to drive a jetliner into the Statue of Liberty and her plan falls apart because her mouthwash wasn't in her carry-on. #5. Cops in Sci-Fi Movies As a rule, people in movies haven't ever seen a movie. They're not equipped to deal with anything strange. Now, if you or I saw a naked man drop through a hole in reality and walk through 50 bullets to put his fist through our stomach, we'd die knowing that we've made a robot from the future very happy. A guy in a movie, though, he has no idea what happened. He'll use his dying words to argue how robots don't exist, and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to smile! As slow as people are to accept that they're dealing with the supernatural, cops are always the last ones to catch on. They can watch the Blob dissolve through a kindergarten and suggest out loud that they must have drank too much this morning. No matter what, a cop in a science fiction movie uses drugs as the explanation for everything. Did a dead body get up and eat the coroner? "PCP." Did a viking frost giant knock down a skyscraper? "Stack of PCP abusers." Did Star Man bring a dead deer back to life? "That's just what gay sex looks like when you see it for the first time." We know that werewolves are impossible, officer. But after you see one doing a handstand on a moving van and leading their team to the state finals, it gets to a point where "werewolves" are a less ridiculous explanation than "Armenian drug users learning to talk and play basketball." Why They're So Stupid: If police were allowed to believe in the supernatural, they would be shooting people all day long. Meth addicts would be shot as goblins. People lined up for Twilight would be gunned down as vampires. And like I mentioned before, gay prostitutes performing deer necromancy would be... actually, I think they already shoot you for that. #4. Fat People Near Trapdoors The seventh law of thermodynamics is that every time a fat person gets near a trapdoor, they fall in. It's the closest thing we have to scientific proof of God. Why They're So Stupid: According to my research, rumors of underground pizza trees started in 1982 made not falling into trapdoors completely obsolete in the fat person community. If that's a coincidence, I've completely wasted this encyclopedia set. #3. Healthcare Practitioners To avoid any subjectiveness on this author's part, I wanted one of these to be fully scientific. So I went on FutureProofYourCareer.com and took an extensive online quiz that tested my aptitude and personality traits to decide the perfect career for me. This was a quiz I was determined to fail. I gave myself the lowest possible scores in all aspects of human ability. Then I answered all the personality questions like a schizophrenic. If I was able to contradict myself at any time, I did. As far as this quiz knows, I can't do math or stack objects, I've killed several drifters and I did great in math class while working as an object stacker. I'd like to think that by the time I finished, a computer somewhere was screaming and shooting itself in the mouth. Unrelated to this article, that image is also what I was thinking about every time I slept with you, ex-girlfriends. So now that this computer brain knows I can't do anything right, and the property damage from me trying would be unacceptable, it suggested my primary field of study: healthcare practitioner. This seemed strange. Maybe because giving myself the lowest possible scores in everything proved I was honest enough to tell someone they have cancer without fucking with them, yet incompetent enough to have that turn out to be wrong. That's win/win for everybody. Why They're So Stupid: Don't ask me. It's simple science. #2. Pro Wrestling Referees These people have made a career out of looking at the wrong thing. If the Love Buddies are in a tag match against the Murder Cheaters, you can be sure that the ref will spend the whole time screaming at the Love Buddy outside the ring while all manner of inhumanity is being done to the one behind him. I looked up logic in my encyclopedia. Even by 1982 standards, that doesn't make any sense! If you hired a pro wrestling referee to babysit, he would warn the house plant in the corner not to cheat while your two cats killed your baby behind him. Why They're So Stupid: No matter how obvious the crime scene, the ref can't ever piece together the story after he turns back around. If he sees two burping cats and half an infant, all he knows is that these cats win! Shrug! As soon as you get home, he'll present you with the new tag team champions and go home thinking it was a job well done. #1. Best Buy Employees Have you ever had a Best Buy employee interrupt your conversation with the question, "Are you guys finding everything OK?" It happens to me five times a visit. And maybe it's just me but when I'm shopping for DVDs in a row of alphabetized DVDs, asking me if I'm finding everything OK is a lot like asking me if I'm currently shitting into a diaper. I've never found an answer that makes them go away, either. If I say "Yes," they usually read off the titles of whatever DVDs I'm holding until they're satisfied that we're best video buddies. If I say, "Thank God you're here! Can you tell me what letter Hitch begins with?" they look at me like I asked them if they're currently shitting into a diaper. Which is often my follow up. Why They're So Stupid: I imagine some of them start with healthy and active minds. Then they try to explain HD to an elderly customer while the 300 screens near them start playing Bolt again from the beginning. The human brain has one of several choices at a time like that, and they're all suicide.