5

Louis C.K. Will Be Back Any Minute Now

Unlike most on this list, Louis C.K. was known as a champion for women for most of his career. He helped promote female comics' careers, and built much of his act around how difficult it is to be a woman in this world. Then it was revealed that multiple times, he had cornered young female comics and masturbated in front of them. This should've derailed his public image and career for at least half a year, right?

Well, three to six months is the rule, so four months after the New York Times article about his sexual misconduct ran, he emerged from hiding to take a walk around New York with his friend Parker Posey. This is something a lot of these men have been doing, making sure they are seen in public with influential people, especially women in their industry. This way, Posey doesn't have to come out and say she supports C.K., but by being seen with him, she's obviously lending her support to his public image.

When the allegations came to light, C.K. confessed that they were true, and said that he would "step back and take a long time to listen." It seems that by "a long time," he meant roughly five months, and by "listen," he meant quietly waiting for people to be able to justify his actions because they miss his jokes. Remember, the women C.K. exposed himself to in 2002 had to live with that for 16 years, watching as anyone who spoke out about him was called a liar.

A few weeks ago, The Hollywood Reporter did an article promoting his comeback. It's full of positive quotes about growing and healing from prominent male comics who sound like they're applying for a jobs as Gwyneth Paltrow's part-time guru. Another story in the The Villager about C.K. hanging around a comedy club carries this quote from fellow comedian Gene Getman: "... in a lot of cases, it was mostly consensual, and what people are really criticizing is a fetish he had. They're essentially slut-shaming him about his sexual preferences."

Wait, is this how we're doing it? Just rewriting the history to make it sound like it's the public masturbation part we were mad about, and not the captive audiences who didn't think they had the option of refusing without repercussions? See, this is why the Comeback Phase of #MeToo is going to get so messy. Louis C.K.'s redemption is going to be a two-pronged assault of "He's a changed man!" and "Was what he did really that bad?" and anyone who bristles at the last part will almost certainly feel the wrath of his fans. "He said he was sorry! What more do you want?"

And it's going to be even messier for cases like ...

4

James Franco Suffered No Meaningful Consequences

James Franco has always been the kind of stand-up guy who tries to pick up 17-year-olds on Instagram. After appearing at the Golden Globes proudly sporting a "Times Up" pin, many female former students from his now-closed Studio 4 acting school felt compelled to speak out about ways he had made them uncomfortable during his classes and film shoots. This included removing plastic guards when simulating oral sex and flying into a rage when two of them refused to do a topless scene.

3

Kevin Spacey Isn't Working, But Is Still Making Millions

There's a good chance Kevin Spacey will never be in movies again. Like Harvey Weinstein, he is contending with multiple legal battles. Plus, some of his accusers were very young at the time of the incidents, most notably Anthony Rapp, who says he was 14 when Spacey made unwanted advances on him.

Spacey's allegations highlight the fact that the #MeToo movement wasn't just a women's issue. It's a people with power vs. people without power issue. Spacey preyed mostly on young actors and other people who worked around him in the film industry. He didn't try to hide his identity when he was out picking up young boys to bring back to his apartment; he used it as a smokescreen to make them comfortable, and ultimately to make sure they wouldn't talk.

Also, Kevin Spacey will continue to be wealthy beyond any of our wildest dreams for as long as he lives.

Yes, he was let go from the final season of House Of Cards, but his contract with Netflix supposedly didn't have a morality clause, which is super weird. It's almost like he knew there were some unflattering things about his personal life that might come to light someday, and he wanted to cover his ass in the event of that happening. The lack of a morality clause means that Spacey was likely paid his full $6.5 million salary for making Season 6 of House Of Cards without all of the hassle of actually making Season 6 of House Of Cards.

2

Mario Batali Is "Eyeing His Second Act"

It's been four months since Mario Batali included a cinnamon roll recipe in his apology for compelling a female employee to straddle him and grabbing a female chef's breasts after offering her a job, among other things. It's good to know that he took his apology as seriously as I take a good brunch.

Since the PR-mandated waiting period is now over (four months), Batali has been popping up at popular New York restaurants, painfully not incognito in his signature bright-colored shorts and Crocs. His main purpose seems to be being seen with popular chefs and prominent people within the food industry. Again, it's the tactic of being forgiven by association. And there's even a favorable article in The New York Times about Batali "eyeing his second act." I mean, his first act barely ended, and the intermission wasn't even long enough for me to take a pee break and get some Twizzlers from the concession stand, but OK, I guess we're doing this already.

The Times article even includes a quote from a woman who runs a bunch of New York City homeless shelters saying, "I do give Mario credit for reaching out to people like myself and not calling for us to stand with him." As if by meeting with him and basically telling The New York Times what a great guy he is, she isn't standing with him? It's painfully obvious that Batali has a full PR team grinding away 24 hours a day to get him back on TV as quickly as possible, and there'll no doubt be an audience waiting, eager to have this terrible gap in their lives filled.

1

Bill O'Reilly Is Slowly Rebuilding Goodwill Via Dog Pics

Fox News announced on April 19th of 2017 that they would be firing Bill O'Reilly for, oh my god, just so much sexual harassment, you guys. O'Reilly made the turducken of sexual harassment -- a little masturbating on the phone with female co-workers, stuffed inside some forcing women to listen to his sexual exploits, all wrapped up in threats that any woman who complained would "pay so dearly that she'll wish she'd never been born." His behavior sparked multiple lawsuits from women who worked with him, one of which took $32 million to settle.

Since then, O'Reilly has started his own website and released a book. Oh yeah, and almost exactly four months to the day after his firing from Fox News, he started an Instagram that exclusively features pictures of his Corgi. Do these guys just set up alerts on their phones that tell them when to begin the comeback? Is there an app just for this? This makes me angry for two reasons. Number one, dogs are pure, beautiful creatures that don't deserve to be used as pawns by some old pervert. Number two, this tells me that O'Reilly totally thinks that someday, the general public will like his cute dog pictures more than they dislike the fact that he referred to a black female co-worker as "hot chocolate."

Meanwhile, he still has a lucrative book deal, with the next title due in September, and fans can hear his thoughts on his subscriber-only podcast.

If all that happens to these guys is that they get, at most, a six-month vacation and some expensive horse meditation therapy, what does that say to their victims? Why come forward? What does it say to them about the ease of doing the same thing again? The #MeToo movement could end up doing more harm than good if all that it proves is that the general public will forgive literally anything after a few months if they like someone enough.

Don't bother looking at Bill O'Reilly's corgi when you can just get a calendar of corgis instead.

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For more, check out 4 Reasons Sexual Assault Victims Don't Step Forward and 7 Reasons So Many Guys Don't Understand Sexual Consent.

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