4 Unintentionally Depressing Self Help Books on Happiness
What are the secrets to happiness? How about the secrets to love? I’ve researched this for years in the fruitiest and lamest corners of countless bookstores, and while I may not know what the secrets to love and happiness are yet, these four books sure as hell showed me 2569 things that aren’t. 2002 Romantic Ideas Special Moments You Can Share with the One You Love Cyndi Haynes & Dale Edwards $7.95 This is the third book I bought from this loving couple, which means in a way, they’ve taken 6006 tiny shits into my brain. Their advice tends to vary wildly between the obvious and the impossible, and all of it is so saccharin your chest hair will pull itself into pigtails. However, it seems to come from a place of genuine love. Let’s feel stomach bile fight its way up our throats once again with Cyndi and Dale. I wish I had time for whatever that is, book published in 2006, but my kid’s got a report on dinosaurs due and I still need help with my golf swing. If I asked my postman for his most romantic stamps, I wouldn’t be surprised if he started taking his shirt off. There’s an entire world of casual sex beneath the surface of society, so I’m careful to never accidentally speak their sex code language. For example, I never tell a hot dog vendor that I want his most expensive wiener, and I never sit next to a senator when I’m taking a crap. Hmmm, that strange outburst might have had a little more muscle behind it if you weren’t the two people who consider America Online to be the 908th Most Romantic Idea. At least one of you is up to something. What a strange window into Cyndi and Dale’s musical tastes. Though something tells me they think “hard rock” is early John Tesh. Yes, get the goddamn shirt. If you’re this type of couple, it seems only fair to warn the people around you. Uh oh, I think the chinks in the armor are starting to show. Next thing you know, one of them’s going to be fantasizing about killing the other one. Oh shit. Man, they can’t even hold it together long enough to get to the third second of the brainstorming meetings anymore. Surprise! I hid your heart medicine! I hope nothing... STARTLES YOU!!!! Let’s not tell anyone about it, sweetheart. We’ll just have it in case one of us does something that might require the one who isn’t dead to leave the state for awhile. This is a quick and easy way for your husband to lose visibility while he’s driving on icy roads! The chunks of snow you left will only obstruct his view for a moment, but without his pills, a moment might be all you need. You know, there’s not a ton of danger in drawing little shapes in windshield frost, but it’s such an empty, pointless romantic gesture that it’s not worth any risk. If she’s not trying to kill him by doing this, I question her sanity. I think life is about to imitate art, Cyndi and Dale. Sleep with your eyes open. Well, I guess we know how he’s planning to do it. That’s not a singing telegram, Cyndi!
Instant Happy Notes!
101 Sticky Note Surprises to Make You Smile
Each page of this "book" is a detachable post-it note to spread joy around your office. It was printed and assembled in China, so when you try to tear off a note, you get anywhere from five to 20 percent of it. No less than seven of the 101 Sticky Surprises are just a smiley face above "TGIF!" And speaking of sticky surprises, surprise: They don't stick to anything. I have no experience manufacturing adhesives, but it seems like directly below the dripping forehead of a 10-year-old factory worker is a bad place to do it.
I'm not even sure what this says. My visual cortex screams rape instead of telling me what I'm looking at.
If the tiny enslaved children making these knew what they said, they'd know they deserved every second of everything.
You'd have an easier time cheering someone up with a piece of paper that said "Herpes Testing Wipe - Discard After Use."
This seems like something you should only type right after saying, "What's gayer than two mustaches wrestling over my dick? I've got it!"
I have a question for the uncredited author who wrote this. When you open your mouth, do spiders crawl out, or is it just a steady seeping of black fluid?