4 Recent Films That Are Accidentally Sequels to 80s Movies
Did you ever watch a movie and wonder what happened to the characters after the credits? Or see a movie and think: Hey that character reminds me of someone from another movie? No? Hmm. Did you ever wake up with something that looked like a blister on your junk, but without any discharge? (That last question is unrelated to the column. I'm just trying to figure out if I should see a doctor.)In any event, recently I noticed that there were certain movies which, although not designed to be, are like sequels to earlier, unrelated films. Movies that show you what would have happened years later if only you use a little imagination and poetic license, and I thought it would be fun to pair some of them up in a list.Know what else I noticed? There are a whole bunch of people who like to comment on articles who don't actually read them. They miss the conceit of the entire article that's set up in the introductory paragraphs and jump from the title to the entries. I'm also not sure they read the entries. It's basically title, entry title, pictures, comment. So yeah, for them, this column will be a bit of a confusing train wreck. And even though they are the worst people in the world afflicted with all manner of masturbatory-induced venereal diseases, maybe you'd be good enough to point them to the first two paragraphs above. And don't worry about them getting offended by the preceding sentence. They won't read it.OK, so here we go:
Say Anything/Blue ValentineIn 1989 Cameron Crowe released what I like to call his best film about a simple, but kind-hearted, lower middle-class 19-year-old high school graduate named Lloyd Dobler. Lloyd has a crush on Diane Court: a smarter, highly motivated, upper middle-class girl. Lloyd has no true ambition in life other than being with Diane, and he treats her well. Ultimately, she bows to family pressure and breaks up with Lloyd. Do you remember how he wins her back?
Yeah, not like this. This just pissed off the neighbors.
Although a memorable scene, Lloyd's Peter Gabriel-infused serenade does not save the day. Instead, after breaking Lloyd's heart, Diane comes back to him when she is struck by a family tragedy - her father (and basically only friend) is arrested and imprisoned for stealing money from the old folks at his home for the aged. She is alone and turns to Lloyd for help. Lloyd admits he loves her so much that it doesn't matter if she's back because she wants him or just because she needs someone, and they go off to a new life together.
Unless of course they crash and burn in a fiery death. We just don't know.
Well twenty one years later director, Derek Cianfrance explored similar themes with his ultra-depressing and ultimately half-baked movie called
"I don't know, sir. I can't figure it all out tonight. I just want to hang out with your daughter."
How many blue collar Italian guys from New York do you know sporting this tattoo?
3) I'm not really criticizing Cindy. It was inevitable. She should have never married Dean in the first place. Being a solid guy was the only thing she really liked about him and it just wasn't enough. She made a mistake, but she was scared and 18. Kind of like Diane Court. Kind of exactly like Diane Court, just with a baby on the way. 1980s favorite sweethearts Lloyd and Diane don't stand a chance. Thanks
Goonies/National TreasureThis one's easier to explain. Goonies stars young Sean Astin as Mikey Walsh, a young boy with a love of old historical pirate tales. Some of this love was fostered by his now-absent father who has left treasure maps behind. With the help of his politically incorrect friends (the English-butchering Asian and the fat Jew), Mikey finds a cave of secret treasure to save his town from demolition.
"I'll find Precious by following the clues on the back of the Hobbit Articles of Confederation!"
But free your mind. The actor is irrelevant. We're talking character. And it's not so hard to believe that a thrill-seeking kid who loves history, adventure, and pirate gold would grow up to be. . . Well you see where I'm going with this, right?
"I'm still haunted by Chunk's Truffle Shuffle."
Yep. Nick Cage as Benjamin Gates in
Pretty in Pink/The WoodsmanHey remember, James Spader in Pretty in Pink? Oh, sure you do. It was the Spaderman at his Spadiest. He was Steff McKee, Andrew McCarthy's best friend and complete douchebag. He was the rich obnoxious kid who hit on Molly Ringwald, but got rejected. The creep who then harassed Molly mercilessly and tried to break up her romance with dreamy Andrew McCarthy. By the end of the movie Andrew sticks with Molly and tells Spader to piss off. Yay! But what ever happened to Steff?
In character: Full blown d-bag.
Out of character: James Spader is creepier than a pedo.
E.T./CloverfieldOkay, you all know the story of E.T. A lost alien who crash lands in northern California and is befriend by a sweet little boy, his older brother (never to be heard from again) and his little sister (destined to descend into a whirlwind of sex and drugs until finding her true calling of executive producing horrible movies)**I might be blurring the actor with the character again. And it's a good thing ET finds that nice suburban family because our government is after him! By the end of the movie, the kids must dupe Federal agents and escape in order to help ET get home. All this alien wanted to do was get his shit together for a phone call and then wait for a ride. Why you gotta harsh his mellow, g-men? If he doesn't get home, he dies.I mean, clearly, he's no threat? You can kick his ass with a refrigerator door.
The aliens From Close Encounters are so embarrassed right now
And just like in E.T., the more you look at the Cloverfield monster the more ridiculous it appears.
What? You don't think he could? This is a guy who can call deep space with a Speak n' Spell. He can do whatever he wants. How about a little goddamn respect?And sure