12 Celebrity-Inspired Sex Acts We Can't Recommend
Say what you want about Cracked Editor-in-Chief Jack O'Brien (communist? satanist? Belle and Sebastian enthusiast?), but I'll tell you one thing: The boy has an eye for talent. Sure, I thought my Big Book of Celebrity Sex Positions would do well, but who knew it would spend the last month shattering all records set by the Harry Potter and Girl With the Dragon Tattoo books? (Oh, I don't mean individually. Of course, all the Harry Potter and Lisbeth Salander books sold far better than mine. I'm talking about that self-published fan fiction written by a ninth grade girl in Kalamazoo, Michigan, about both characters in one fictional universe. My sex book sold better than that.)
Anyway, you know how it is with runaway success -- the people want sequels. That's probably why ol' Jackie boy offered me $25 and a Johnny Rockets coupon for free french fries to pump out this sequel. So here it is: The Big Book of Celebrity Sex Positions, Part 2!
That's not MS Paint. That's like totally the real cover!
Giving a Stevejob is an intricate process. This form of prostitution requires you to charge your partner a large initial fee for what seems to be a series of reliably delivered sex acts. Nevertheless, after about six months, you refuse to perform until an additional fee is paid for what promises to be even better sex. While getting Stevejobs can be costly, some continue to pay for them due to the promise of being virus-free.
Introducing the Apple Condom in Beta mode. (Upgrade said to actually prevent pregnancy and will be available in about nine months.)
The method is up to you, but the mantra of the Johnny Deppin' is pleasing your lover with a series of exotic and bold choices that, ultimately, are all kind of the same.
Givin' the Ol' Bill Paxton
Stare at your partner during the entire sex act, thinking "Where do I know you from?"
The Jenny McCarthy
Be incredibly attractive and funny. Then go away for a decade. Come back and look shockingly good for your age. Then, just as your lover is at his most excited to see you, kill his erection by spouting paranoid, scientifically groundless rhetoric, leading to the needless death of children.
Exposing children needlessly to death is the new sexy!
Ask Your Lover to "George Cloo-Me!"
This sex act may or may not include sex, but it does come with a granted request for your own private island after two years of dating.
"All my exes are in Texas. Well, no, not Texas. Their own private island. Boy, I'm a nice guy."
The Joss "R" Whedon
This sex act is named after Buffy and Firefly creator Joss Whedon. Whedon is also beloved for being the force behind one of the greatest comic movies ever: The Avengers. This sex act features mind-blowing sex with an incredibly hot, athletic woman who is also supernaturally strong in spirit and character. Basically, someone you could never attain. But on the off chance that you somehow do land her, she will leave you utterly drained and defeated until you're murmuring "Joss 'R' Whedon?" See? It's a pun. "Are we done?" Yes, a shitty, forced pun. I know. What makes you think I don't know? You think it's easy to pick celebs who can be satirized via sexual analogy AND have their names come out to be neat little sex puns? Well, it's not. Shut up. Don't look at me.
On behalf of Cracked and myself, I apologize, Mr. Whedon.
The Gwyneth Paltrow
Missionary-style sex for about 15 minutes leading to a moderately satisfying orgasm. Then get People magazine to call it the most incredible sex ever.
The Quentin Tarantino-Means-No
This is actually more of a non-sex act. Just a fun way to tell your lover you're not in the mood.
"OK, but shouldn't my sex act have something to do with Uma Thurman's feet?"
The Meh-Donna is sex with someone just for bragging rights. You'll go there, but you're really not that excited about it anymore.
Yeah, I guess.
David Letterman Join Us
While the "David Let a Man Join Us" sounds like a menage a trois, it's actually just code for whatever kind of sex you want, as long as Paul Shaffer watches.
"I'll just be over here. Don't mind me."
The Michael Boob-Lay
You know what this is. Don't do it. It's silly.
"I don't get it? Oh. Grow up, guys!"
The Richard Dawkins
Place your female partner on the bed and sit across from her in a chair while wearing a cardigan sweater or smart blazer. Then cross your legs in a dignified manner and wait. When your partner asks why you're not engaging in sex, eloquently explain that while the male orgasm shows tangible proof via a sperm-filled discharge, the female orgasm cannot be visualized and, therefore, does not exist. When she asks you to try intercourse anyway because it feels good, tell her she is delusional. When she asks if you won't at least perform oral, tell her sternly that only fools kneel.
"Have fun with my disciples hating you, Gladstone."
GLADSTONE'S NOTES FROM THE INTERNET APOCALYPSE IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER!
After experiencing the joy of pre-ordering Book 1 of the trilogy, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter.
Also, you can get all your Internet Apocalypse news here as we count down to release.