Here’s the ‘SNL’ Sketch George Carlin Refused to Do
“There have been so many” cut Saturday Night Live sketches that Laraine Newman wishes had made it to air, she says in a new LateNighter questionnaire. But one particular bit stands out as the one that got away.
The sketch in question was cut from the very first episode of Saturday Night — and it wasn’t axed for lack of laughs at dress rehearsal. “George Carlin was the host, and there was a great sketch called Alexander the Great’s High School Reunion,” she remembered. “He was a nerd in high school, and people were deriding him, asking what he’s been doing since they graduated.”
“Oh, nothing,” said Alexander. “Just conquering the Western world.”
Don't Miss
“It was so solid,” Newman said. “The jokes were so good, but Carlin didn’t want to do it. At least, that’s what I was told.”
Newman has her story straight, according to Carlin himself. In his memoir, Last Words, the comic recalls several stories from his week hosting the first Saturday Night, including locking himself in a hotel room and someone having to break down the door to get him out. He doesn’t exactly remember which tales were true — “I certainly was full of cocaine.”
As for the Alexander the Great sketch, written by the great Michael O’Donoghue? Carlin begged out of the sketch and refused to do any comedy that wasn’t pure stand-up. Between the nerves and the drugs, “I told Lorne Michaels, the producer, ‘I’ll just fuck it up.’”
Screenwriter Jason Reitman took that nugget and blew it up for Saturday Night, an account of that first show. In this hyperdramatic retelling, Carlin storms into Studio 8H dressed like a gladiator. “ARE YOU SHITTING ME WITH THIS COSTUME?!” he screams, the screenplay’s dialogue in all caps. “I mean, what is this shit? Why am I dolled up like a fucking towel boy at Caesars?”
While O’Donoghue explains the part about conquering the known universe, Michaels asks Carlin just what exactly was his concern.
“My concern is why I let my agent convince me to do your show,” Carlin snarls.
“I think I understand the reason you might be struggling,” says O’Donoghue, miffed that his script is about to be tossed in the trash. “These are ‘scenes’ that revolve around ‘acting.’ That must feel foreign when you’re just a ponytailed vulture, feeding off the corpse of Lenny Bruce.”
Carlin’s indignant refusal actually solves one of Michaels’ problems: The show is overlong by several minutes, and cutting the sketch gets him that much closer to finalizing the rundown.
As for Newman? Even the dramatized version has her bummed about losing the Alexander the Great sketch. There’s a running bit in Saturday Night where she’s trying to figure out a quick costume change. She’s finally jerry-rigged a way to instantly transform from a Weekend Update reporter into a Macedonian goddess in a toga. “Like a magic trick,” according to the screenplay. “Ta da!”
It didn't matter.
“We cut the toga sketch,” Michaels tells the dejected Newman.
