20 Weekend Updates Jokes From ‘SNL’ Season 50 When Michael Che Went Scorched Earth
Michael Che has been hinting all season long that he’s leaving Saturday Night Live, and he sure spent the past year telling jokes like a guy trying to get fired. Here are 20 of Che’s Weekend Update punchlines that proved he didn’t care who he was offending. And fair warning — don’t try these out around the office water cooler…
“Kamala Harris released an 81-page book outlining her economic policy. Because you know how women like to go on and on and on.”
“It was announced that Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs’ sex-trafficking case has been assigned to a new judge, one that Diddy hopes is cool with rapes.”
“According to internal documents from TikTok, the app’s algorithm demoted people it deemed not attractive enough. You know, like Colin does with interns.”
“The Archdiocese of Los Angeles has reached a settlement in hundreds of child sex abuse cases, and will pay out $880 million, an amount that priests called, ‘Worth it.’”
“If (Trump) doesn’t win this race, he could go to jail. Like, literally, his sentencing is coming up right after the election. That’s why he’s blowing that microphone. He’s trying to suck his way to freedom.”
“Black and Brown students in Nyack, New York, reported receiving spam text messages saying they were selected to pick cotton. Police say they will look into the matter and figure out which officer did it.”
“Elon Musk's new Department of Government Efficiency posted a job listing saying that they’re looking for people willing to work 80-plus hours a week for no money. But you can’t be surprised that the white African guy’s first idea is slavery.”
“FBI director nominee Kash Patel, seen here realizing it wasn’t just a fart, was reportedly the target of an Iranian cyber attack. Apparently, they were able to guess Patel’s password because it was just two i’s really close together.”
“It was announced that Matt Gaetz will host a new talk show on One America News Network called The Matt Gaetz Show. He’ll be covering everything from quinceañeras to prom night jitters.”
“A pizza shop in Tennessee has created controversy after it declined to cater a gay wedding. Okay, but what if they called it a meat lover’s wedding?”
“Donald Trump’s inauguration ceremony has been moved inside the Capitol building. Hey, just like last time.”
“For the first time in 30 years, New York City this week went five days without anyone getting shot. Because it’s just way more fun to push people onto the subway tracks.”
“President Trump posted an A.I.-generated video featuring a transformed Gaza with a Trump Hotel, bearded belly dancers and Benjamin Netanyahu lounging on a beach. The video was titled ISIS Recruitment Ad.”
“Amazon Prime has launched a new tool that will use A.I. to dub movies into English, from foreign languages like Spanish, Korean and Sylvester Stallone.”
“Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem visited a prison holding deported migrants in El Salvador, even though it looks more like she's trying to beat a world record on OnlyFans.”
“A British woman says that her one-year-old son ate her father’s ashes. So in a way, he does have his grandpa’s eyes.”
“A giant pouched rat trained to sniff out land mines has set a new world record for most land mines detected by a rat — one.”
“President Trump impersonated a transgender weightlifter in a speech to graduates at the University of Alabama, which is a sentence so stupid it couldn’t even get into the University of Alabama.”
“President Trump said he was interested in reopening Alcatraz because it represents something horrible and beautiful and strong and miserable and weak — which are also his nicknames for his five children.”
“New research shows that too much sitting could damage your brain, which explains why Stephen Hawking was such a dumbass.”
